Mail Call: Sequel Notes and For Controversy's Sake

This week's Friday Mail Call is one of those that sort of writes itself, so let's get to it!

The first part of this week's Mail Call addresses the rather large amount of notes I received regarding a possible sequel to By Design.  I've been really surprised to see the number of suggestions and ideas that everyone has submitted and it's been pretty fun to sort them throughout the week.  Some of the responses were really funny (aka "please for the love of God don't you dare) to one young lady that actually sent me a somewhat detailed idea for a one-off story.  Thanks to everyone for your input and for the help making my decision.  And the decision is...

 

I will begin work immediately on a deleted scenes / more of the story companion work to By Design that will focus primarily on David and Stephanie. I'll be announcing the title and estimated completion details within the next few weeks so stay tuned. Thanks again to everyone for the input and interest.  What can I say... you ask and I shall deliver!

 

The second part of Mail Call is to respond to an email I received from a gentleman named Phillip.  Phillip asked, if I read his message correctly, why I approach some topics the way I do on the blog and if I was trying to be controversial to garner attention.  I'm going to respond based on that interpretation, however Phillip, if I'm off base, please correct me and I'll be happy to adjust the response.

 

Sadly Phillip, I can honestly tell you that what you read on the blog is pretty much what you get out of me in life as well.  I say sadly simply for the fact that admitting this means I can't blame any negativity that something I write may cause on a need to be controversial merely for controversy's sake.  It means I have to own up to a personality flaw, pure and simple.  I tend to be pretty vocal about my opinion on a regular basis, but that's also part of believing as I do that you should have the courage of your convictions.  If I get upset with someone and choose to call them out on the blog, believe me I have no compunctions whatsoever in saying the same face to face.  It horrifically mortifies those around me, usually my wife, but it's just the way I am.  As far as controversy for controversy's sake, well, I'll put it this way.  Creative people naturally enjoy attention.  I am by nature a large, loud person.  Put the two together and mix with a healthy appreciation for creative profanity, mix well, and as they say there I be.  I say what I think and believe in what I say.  If you want something that just upsets people for the hell of it, watch Midgets vs. Mascots, Gary Coleman's final film.  I will say this:  I double dare you to get through the lactose intolerant midget scene without laughing like a special kid in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.  I triple dare ya!

 

Back to the letter mines kiddies!  More to come this weekend!

A Sequel?

One of the cooler parts of being a writer and actually publishing your work, in my opinion at least, is the feedback that you get from readers and fans.  I know there are some of my brother and sister scribblers out there that truly loathe hearing from anyone about their work, but I am the complete opposite.  Strangely enough, I sort of even geek out a bit when someone so vehemently despises something I write that they send me hateful emails.  To me, just the sheer fact that my creations generated an emotional response whatsoever is beyond awesome.

 

I received a review for By Design today from a reader that had a really unique idea.  She mentioned in her notes that she wanted more of David and Stephanie's story and that possibly a sequel would be in order to complete the tale.

 

A sequel?  Really?  I can honestly say that the idea had never crossed my mind and now that it has I'm having a hard time getting away from it.

 

The great thing about the two already published books and the third that I'm currently writing, Hurricane Carolina, is that they all exist within the same "universe" and have some crossover of characters.  Given that existing framework, I started thinking about that possibility for a "sequel" project.  For those of you curious as to how a writer's brain works, here's a little window into a thought process or two.  Mind the cobwebs...

 

1) By Design has currently outsold Bounce at a rate of almost 2:1.

 

2) David Bartello is, to date, the second most commented on character I've created. Usually when someone asks me questions about the books the first thing they ask is about the inspiration for Dina then they begin to tell me how much they like David (and then they tell me how much they hated Mack from Bounce).

 

3) I cut a fairly sizable amount of David and Stephanie material during the editing process because it either was a force fit or moved the story off track (or worse was just too long).  A few of those scenes were reduced to mentions or background info in the final edit of the book that in earlier drafts were fully fleshed out.

 

4) There is an opportunity to further flesh out Nick and David's relationship by continuing the story.  Personally, I found that dynamic a lot of fun to write as I have a lot of source material to work with.

 

5) Do well received characters deserve a spotlight of their own? Are David and Stephanie strong enough to carry their own story?

 

Since this idea came from a fan submission, I'm really interested to hear what more of you think.  Would you be interested in a sequel story to By Design that featured David and Stephanie? Are there other elements to the story you'd like to see fleshed out more?  Should this be another novel? A novella? Should I back away slowly from the keyboard and go back to my other projects?  Please leave your thoughts and suggestions in the comments section or send them to thecynicalsarcastic@gmail.com.

 

Thanks in advance for your comments and ideas. Have a great weekend!

Rock Meet Hard Place: A Note on Adversity

The emails for this week were fairly light, so in lieu of a Friday Mail Call post I decided to take a few minutes and share something that's been on my mind as of late.  I'm going to go ahead and front load with the NSFW warning simply for the fact that I'm going to type this as fast as I think so therefore I make zero guarantees for what my come out of my proverbial "mouth."  Sometimes you just need to get something off your chest.  Then again, sometimes you also need to say something out loud (or type it) just because maybe you need to hear it just as badly as you need to say it.  Granted if you think about that particular sentence more than once you get a Jungian-psychology-meets-the-sound-of-one-hand-smacking-yourself-in-the-forehead headache, but just bear with me on this one if you will.

 

I'd like to say a few words on adversity.  Yes, I'm probably going to break my overshare rule a bit tonight but, as they say in the movies, fuck it.  No, this isn't going to be some hard-charging, once more into the breach line of bullshit either, if that's why you're cringing in dread. 

 

The last few weeks, no scratch that, the last few months have been pretty tough around my household.  I've been technically unemployed since January with the exception of my writing and getting back into the work force is proving to be a bear.  I'm sure there are a lot of you reading this that have either recently been in the same situation or are in it currently and you have my full empathy, believe me.  I've made jokes repeatedly about hearing the words "overqualified" to the point of committing a hate crime, but the reality is that like me a ton of professionals out there have gone from looking for a job in their field to a job near their field to look-I'll-just-flip-a-burger-if-necessary and it's seeming to become more difficult as the days go by.  By the way, just as a little side note to hiring managers, please stop being Captain Fucking Obvious in the midst of an interview.  If the person sitting across from you is clearly twice your physical size, commenting on said differential is just annoying and makes you look like a moron.  Personally, I don't want to have to work for a moron, but I will if I must.  Seriously though, the words "Damn you're a big dude" have no place in an in any conversation in which I need to take you seriously... just sayin'!

 

In any event, my lack of employment outside the keyboard has definitely had its effects around here but thankfully I have a great wife, family, and friends that have been amazingly supportive and that truly makes all the difference.  I mention all of this to set the tone for what I really want to touch on tonight.  Unfortunately, during the last month or so there have been several things occurring in and around my life that have significantly chapped my ass.  It's not been one single event or one single ass gasket of an excuse for a human being but a world class culmination of a lot of what I see as truly just dumb shit coupled with glaring, self-righteous self-centeredness on the parts of a number of folks that has really prompted me past general mouthiness into truly gratuitous anger with some of these dung gremlins.  I'd love to go into detail and just blast these folks wide open publicly but, as I do have a standing rule of trying to keep some things in my life private, we'll just suffice it to say that for a change my shit list is very clearly enumerated and defined in its population.

 

Once again, why foist all this personal drivel out there?  Well, believe it or not there's actually a point hidden in all this somewhere and I promise we'll be arriving shortly.  All of this nonsense has started to pile up and really wear on me lately to the point that, when dumped on top of the cares and worries of an unemployed scribble monkey, sleeping at night has started to become a significant issue.  Trust me when I say that involuntary cat naps throughout the day that are brought on from a stress induced lack of sleep is not what you would call a preferential lifestyle choice.  Let's just say I'm really glad my wife isn't a Sharpie practical joke kind of girl!  I've lately even found myself in the position where I've had to make decisions that could have whopping ramifications on relationships with a number of people in my life simply because I am becoming physically incapable of tolerating any more of their bullshit.  Granted I may not seem like it sometimes due to the quantity and occasional quality of ranting and raving that I do in this blog, but in reality I do have the capacity to be an extremely tolerant guy. 

 

My question becomes this then: how do I deal with this staggering influx of bullshit and stupidity into an already highly stressful life?

 

As I've talked about before, my days since mid-July begin with a now 3.5 to 5 mile walk with my father.  Strangely enough, since we've started this new daily ritual, we've started doing something that we've never really done that much of in my 38 years on this planet: talking like real people.  You know, having an actual conversation that didn't involve him referring to me in a dad to kid manner.  The odd thing is that I found out through these discussions that he was grappling with a few of the same people and issues that I was and that strangely enough we felt the exact same way about them.  A few days ago, however, he completely reversed course mid-stream as it were on a few of these things we'd been discussing.  Mind you, we're not talking about some random nonsense here.  These were deep down, life affecting decisions that had to be made.  As we discussed these issues, he said something that just blew my mind.  He said that he was considering his stance on a few of these matters and it occurred to him that he couldn't find a way to explain any of it to his granddaughter, my niece.

 

In case you're playing along at home, here's where we get to the point.

 

The whole notion of making a decision based on the kind of black and white world that a young child can comprehend really got me thinking.  It occurs to me that while we are busy as individuals coping with the twists and turns that life throws our way and the challenges we have to rise to meet, there are others paying attention to us.  What we do, when we do it, and how we go about it is being very carefully observed.  Sure, you can go the God route with this if you'd like but I'm looking at this from a much more direct connotation.  We as adults, particularly those of you out there that are supposed to be 'heads of households,' have a responsibility to think about the example we are setting for those around us.  It occurs to me that while a decision may be tough to explain to a child, what about having to explain it to your wife?  To your best friend? Your business partner?  If called directly on the carpet for an action or decision, could you make that proverbial child understand why you did what you did?

 

I read a great article in a back issue of Muscle and Fitness magazine (yes, I'm becoming that gym rat guy again, deal) on Sylvester Stallone that was written just before the first Expendables movie was released.  In the article, Stallone was asked why he felt people responded so strongly to his Rocky Balboa character and continued to do so thirty years later.  He replied that he felt that people love Rocky because no matter how bad the situation got, the guy just kept coming.  He kept standing back up and not backing down, no matter what. 

 

All of this put together left with me a thought I'd like to share with you in conclusion:

 

As adults we have a responsibility to not only our kids but to our friends and even to people we don't know to try to be an example.  None of us are perfect; we've all made our share of serious mistakes in our lives.  At the end of the day, however, I think it's how we handle the challenges in our life, particularly the serious ones, the defines what that example is that you set.  When real adversity strikes your life, what kind of example are you?  Do you fold? Scream? Rail against it? Give up? Ignore it? OR do you shoulder the issue, stand up to it, and do what needs to be done?

 

Just a little something to think about...

Alleve for headaches, Midol for cramps. You know the drill.

 

Mail Call / What's Up and The Fat Kid Lament

Happy Friday kiddies!  I don't know how the week has progressed for the rest of you but MAN has it been a busy one on my end.  Before I even get started today I want to take a moment to say thank you to all of you that are apparently reading this blog on a daily basis.  I have been so slammed with life and other projects this week that I haven't been able to post anything since last Friday and yet The Cynical Sarcastic is still averaging over 75 page views a day!  Considering where this little rant-fest sprang up from last fall, I find that to be very humbling and will make sure that from now on I do a better job of keeping the content flowing!  Thanks again from the bottom of my scribblin' little heart!

Moving on . . .there were two emails this week that I wanted to respond to for our Friday Mail Call.  In the interest of time, let's get right to it...

I have just recently purchased both of your books and really enjoyed them.  I couldn't help but notice that they were published really close together.  I know most authors write only a book or two a year.  Are you writing them that quickly?  When can we expect your next book? I've also just found your blog.  If you've already answered this on the blog, please email me and tell me where to find it.  Thanks, Jamisha N.

Thanks for the email Jamisha.  I'm glad you enjoyed the books.  Yes, I actually have answered your questions on the blog in the past BUT it's been a while back.  It probably isn't the worst idea to catch some of the new folks up as well, so here are your answers. 

Thanks for the compliment, but if I were talented enough to crank out a novel every two months I definitely wouldn't be back in the job market again!  Bounce was actually conceived of during October of 2011 and then fleshed out through April of this year.  After editing and overcoming / learning the publication process, I was able to publish it in May.  By Design however is a very different project.  I began writing that book in 2004.  I completed it in its first form in 2005 and began shopping it to agents.  Because of the subject matter and the badgering to remove a lot of the racier content at that time, I became disgusted with the process and shelved the book.  I basically relegated it to a trunk novel and just let it sit for six years give or take.  The something interesting happened.  The first book took off in sales very quickly and really shot over any expectations I had for it.  I decided to capitalize on its momentum and took another really hard look By Design. I realized I had a great story that just needed some updating and maturing and decided to get it ready to publish.  Now I consider that to have been a great decision because it has outsold the first book and continues to do so.

With regard to the next book... well I'm currently in the midst of three projects and one side project.  If you'll check the right side of the main blog page, I keep a roughly updated schedule of upcoming work and when it will hopefully see the light of day for everyone's reference / amusement.  Right now I'm working on an untitled project with Brandon Stoops, a new author in the Raleigh area, that we're hoping will be completed and to market before the end of the quarter.  I'm also working on two novels somewhat simultaneously, Hurricane Carolina, a rock n' roll romance, and The Shadow of Death, a psychological thriller.  I expect to release both of these next year with HC coming first in Q1 and TSOD in late Q2 / early Q3.  My side project will actually be announced on the blog in the coming days, hopefully as early as this weekend.  If you enjoy the blog, I'm hoping you'll like the first anniversary collection I have planned for late November of this year.  The intent is to choose 70-90 of the favorite posts and publish as a collection with all first month sales going to charity in time for Christmas! 

I'm a Facebook friend and have just started reading your blog.  I plan to start on one of your books this weekend.  My question isn't really about the writing but about your diet you talk about on FB.  What got you started on that?  How's it going?  Are you seeing any results?  -Tracy.

Thanks for the question Tracy.  Simply put, I was well on my way back to being a fat sloppy bastard again and decided to do something about it.  To give you a bit of back story, around the time of my 30th birthday in 2003 I weighed 380 pounds.  Even at 6'9" that's a big fat bastard.  I went through my divorce that following January and found out that I was very close to developing a cardiac issue after trying to run ten flights of stairs like they were giving away free cookies on the top floor.  One ER visit later, I developed some sense and started getting back in control.  Over the next two years I got myself down to 265 and kept the weight down until about three years ago when my job began demanding crazy hours.  My weight crept back up until late March of this year when I realized I had inched back to 330.  Beginning April 1 I started back in the gym five days a week and began playing basketball daily.  I'm now down under 300 pounds and, due to some hardcore motivation, I'd hazard the guess and say I'm stronger than I've been since college and almost back to that level of conditioning.  For August my training partner and I have adopted a pretty hardcore diet to get rid of as much jiggle as possible before we start a major gain cycle in September.  To answer your question, sister it has been ROUGH.  I'm seriously about two chicken breasts and a brussel sprout away from a hate crime.  We also have made some mistakes like undercutting our carbs too far and having no energy or overdoing it on cheat day and spending the entire afternoon in the bathroom but hey, morons gotta be morons on occasion after all.  My goal is to get down under 290 by September 1 and then maintain it healthily while we're putting on mass over the rest of the year.  We'll see what happens, but thanks for the support.

Tracy's letter really got me thinking about the major changes I've made in my life and routine since April.  Prior to April I was sleeping late, lazing around a lot, playing way too many video games, and spending most nights up until 4 or 5 am writing.  Now I'm putting in cardio twice a day beginning at 7 a.m. (up to 5 miles or more daily), spend two hours plus in the gym five days a week, and play ball on Saturday mornings.  Not bad for the guy that had so much joint pain after climbing five flights of stairs in January that he almost didn't make it to work the next day.  I tell my friends all the time that I'm beginning to feel like my body is truly ten or fifteen years younger (uglier doesn't count smart asses) and I've having a lot of fun weeding out all my XXXLT clothes.  I've got to get new pictures up for the blog and Facebook, but I'm waiting until September to do so to see just how much flabby I can scare off before hand.  Sometimes I even pull up pictures from January just to stare at how pregnant I looked! 

Why go into all this detail about losing weight with you all?  It's simple, really.  Even though it makes me sound like a bad infomercial, if I can do it, so can you.  Don't get me wrong here, there are parts of me that really miss being able to eat like a fat kid chasing down a diabetic coma.  I mean, after all, it's just not right that I've reached a point where I could consider daydreaming about a box of Krispy Kreme a part time job for chrissakes.  But the fact of the matter is that I'm almost 39 years old and if I didn't make a change now, I wouldn't make it for a long time if ever.  My father is 65 and has been neglecting himself for twenty five years since he stopped playing church league softball at 40.  We now walk 3 miles a day six days a week.  Even though he's dealing with some knee pain, he's losing weight and already talking about bumping up our mileage in September.  It sounds a bit silly, but I think my relationship with my father has even gotten better because of the daily stroll.  In any event, as I said earlier, if my big chubby ass can do it, anyone can. 

Well kids, with all that being said, it appears to be time to head back to the salt mines.  The books aren't going to write themselves and there might even be dishes in the sink and beds to be made.  Man do I need a job!

Have a great weekend! 

Mail Call: Seriously, Dude?

This week's Friday mail call is in response to an email I received this morning.  For those of you that need it, kindly consider this your may-not-be-suitable-for-work warning.  This ass-biscuit really lit my fuse and I intend to have my say.

As I noted I received an email this morning from a gentleman named George R. who felt compelled to take "issue" with several items and "recurring themes" in my blog.   Apparently George has read some of my postings on other sites, done some Googling, and stopped into this little neck o' the net for some light reading. I'm not going to copy his extremely long diatribe as I firmly believe that ignorance tends to propagate via repetition, but I do want to answer a few of his points.

Ol' Georgey boy here feels that I am gravely mistaken on a few things in my life and wishes to point out the error of my thinking.  In summary, they are as follows:

1- As a retired academic and student of history, George felt it necessary to remind me that supporting the police and military in this country is akin to supporting government oppression.  He points out segregation, forced integration of schools, the "race wars" of the 1960's and the "genocide of children" that was the Vietnam conflict as examples.  He further continues to point out the repeated profiling of non-whites by the police and rampant misconduct by our military in Guantanamo, et. al.

2.  George believes that homosexuals and the acceptance of their lifestyle is a large part of what is wrong with this country.

3.  George further asserts that I need to be reminded that there is only one acceptable faith, Christianity.

4.  Finally, George apparently feels that I am one of those "god-be-damned liberal idiots" who is determined to hate anything that doesn't make me feel like someone owes me something.

5.  There were also several other assertions to me participating in racial slurs, veiled bigotry, and not letting anyone but white people write posts on my blog.

Yes, simply put, ol' George here is a nutjob.

Why do I bother to respond to this pile of drivel?  Well, first and foremost it annoyed me and just happened to catch me in the right mood to reply.  I already emailed my reply to George directly, but thought I'd go ahead and post it for all of you as well.

Dear George,

I received your email this morning and, even somewhat against my own better judgment, felt it necessary to reply as quickly as possible.  Sir, I apologize if what I have to say raises your ire but I feel it prudent to be direct with you.  There is little chance of us becoming friends as I find your thinking stunted and limited to the point of cartoonish.  Although your arguments are well written, they in truth account for little more than moderately spirited accountings of wrongs that occurred in this country over four decades ago and ravings against things which you apparently have little comprehension of to begin with.  Sadly I find them not worth my time to even attempt to refute as anything I have to say would most likely fall on deaf ears obviously blocked by archaic rhetoric and ignorance.

The true reason for my reply is to ask you one simple question, albeit rhetorically as I would prefer to not receive a response.  What about Friday, George?  You seem to be a man with a lot of grudges, misconceptions, and a not small amount of closemindedness that seems to be stuck in a world that no longer exists.  Sir, outside the dusty tomes you apparently spend so much of your time immersed in is a very different world than you apparently remember.  Out there it's Friday, August 10, 2012.  You refer to yourself as a retired academic.  I'm assuming that means you are in your 50's or 60's if not older.  Sir, you have a limited number of years left on this rock. Is this truly how you intend to live them?

In conclusion, I would also admonish you to have the courage of your convictions and not call 911 the next time you have a medical emergency.  I'd hate for someone as vehemently angry with our police and military to have to stoop to beg for their help to prevent something as trivial as your death.

Thanks for your note and now please try to find some other way to prove to the world that you are incapable of finding a suitable and useful way to go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,

The CS

His reply:  "that was two questions instead of one."

Seriously dude?

And with that, I'm stepping away from the laptop and going to find something constructive to do with my life like play human Frogger on I-40.  How do these morons find me???

I'm an A-hole

They say that confession is good for the soul.  Well, sadly, this is a true story.

I ran into a local gas station this morning seeking a PowerBar.  As I was standing in a very long line with a very frazzled cashier, a little person began to lose his mind over the fact that they had run out of the single serving cups of hazelnut creamer.  Now understand, there's getting upset and then there's the shit-flipping tirade this diminuative individual launched into.  The resulting conversation went something like this:

Me:  "You okay there bud?" (Please note that this was at 6:45 am and I was nowhere in the same zip code as awake.)

Guy:  "No I'm !@#$%^&* not!  They're out of !@#$%^&* hazelnut creamer!"  More vulagrity ensues.

Me:  "It's not that big a deal dude.  I'm sure the girl at the counter can get some more for you.  Take a breath."

Guy: "I'm an air traffic controller.  I'm on the way to work.  I need my !@#$%^&* coffee!!!"

Me: (without missing a beat) "When did Munchkinland get an airport?"

I am such an asshole.

Found Words of Advice

I'm not usually the biggest fan of doling out advice.  If the truth was to be told, I'm not entirely sure I have a lot to give except for maybe pointing someone else down the same road I've travelled.  When it comes to being a writer / author / blatherer however, I think it's important that I pass along any info I find that we can all use.

Author Laurell K. Hamilton has an excellent post on her blog from a few days ago entitled "Don't Let Perfection Stop You" that has some excellent advice for anyone working on a novel.  We are all guilty of trying too hard on our first, second, or tenth pass.  It's definitely worth the read for all of us aspiring artistes.

You can find the post here.

Guest Blog: I Hate Men by Anonymous

Today's guest blog is written by a woman that I've been friends with now for over fifteen years.  I haven't spoken with her since probably around last Christmas until about a month ago when I sent out the invitation for guest bloggers.  She emailed and said that she had something she wanted to say but she wasn't sure I would allow what she wanted to say to be put on the blog.  I told her to go ahead and write what she wanted and if there was an issue we'd talk about it.

My friend's email arrived in the wee hours this morning, just as I was finishing my weekly post answering an inane email.  I'm including the post in its original form without any editing whatsoever.  I've never had something I've read break my heart as badly as this did.  As I said I've known this woman for a very long time and always known her to be a vibrant person with a real gift for music.  This both saddens and angers me on so many levels I'm not even sure where to begin.  In all honesty I've strongly considered not even posting it because of what it contains.  However, the purpose of a guest blog, at least here on the CS, is that the writer can say whatever they'd like on any topic, no matter what that may be.  I have to honor my friend's strength in putting something this personal out into the world, particularly with how difficult it must be to live this way.  It's almost nonsensical to want to applaud someone's strength and mourn their tragedy in the same breath, but sadly that's where I find myself. 

All I can really find to say in response to her is thank you for sharing.

First of all, I’d like to say thanks for the chance to share my story.  It is not often that you get a chance to say what you want to without judgment or censoring.  I’m appreciative for this opportunity given what I need to say.

I hate men.  It’s a strong sentiment, I know.  The fact is that I can count on one hand the number of men in my life I can stand being around.  The owner of this blog is one of them.  I’ve known him since college.  In fact, the other three men I can tolerate I met about the same time.

Why do I hate men?  Well, let’s see.  I am a rape survivor.  It started with my uncle when I was young and was continued by other men in my family through high school.  I’d love to say I’m over it but it’s not one of those things you can get by.  Being raped changes who you are as a person. It kills off a little part of the light inside you each time it happens.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar.

But being a survivor is not why I hate men.  Not the entire reason.  What enrages me the most is the sense of masculine entitlement.  Why men feel they can have what they want just because they are bigger, stronger, or louder is simply galling.  I have a boss who thinks that just because he is rich he should get his way.  I can’t stand being in a meeting with him.  Every time he belittles one of our company’s sales people gives me the same feeling in my stomach as if he was forcing me over a table.

The other reason I hate men is that because of them I’m a liar.  You’re probably thinking I’m some militant dyke but actually I’m straight, married, and have two kids.  I dated a woman once and found it wasn’t for me.  One of the reasons I wrote this anonymously is that my husband doesn’t know all of this about me.  I haven’t spoken to my family in twenty years and he thinks they’re dead.  My kids will never know their real grandparents because of the actions of certain men and that no one would believe me.  You probably wonder how I can be married and have sex and kids when I feel like I do.  Men have caused me to be a bitch for so long it’s now part of me.  My husband is thankfully a wuss by nature so the sex thing doesn’t come up much and he gives in to my nagging a lot.  It hurts that I can’t be honest with him. But how do you tell the man that gave you kids you treasure that you hate his existence.  Our kids are the product of two very drunken nights.  I know I’m not a good wife but that I’m a wife at all I sort of think is a miracle.

I’ve lived with this for twenty five years.  I've tried therapy.  I’ve been medicated.  I even got so low before that I started seducing men I hated so I could humiliate them.  Nothing helped.  I still hate men.  I’m writing this because I just wanted a chance to say what’s really in my heart.  I want to get over it.  I want to be a good wife.  I want to love my husband.  I’m tired of living in this hate.  I also want to tell my uncle, cousin, and some others that they should be ashamed.  They took something from me when they hurt me.  They put a hole in a little girl who grew up to be a woman.  All the woman could fill that hole with was hate.  And now, no matter how much she tries, all she can do is hate.  And it’s your fault.  You should be ashamed and hell is too good for you.

Thank you for reading what I have to say.  Maybe just getting it off my soul is what I need to do.  Pray for me if you pray.  Men out there, remember this.  No one at work, church, or in my home knows this about me.  This is my secret.  Think of all the women you know.  Who of them could have a secret too?  Are you making it bad for them too?

Mail Call #3

Okay, so I'm a bit late getting this week's mail answered.  There was only one note this week that for better or worse needed a reply so this won't be the longest thing I've ever written, but it's a reply nonetheless.

... I've noticed that you state you are of the Christian faith and yet your books and your blog seem to be anything but...  Hypocrisy is an ugly slope.  I hope you'll correct your path....

Under normal circumstances I may not have even considered replying to this note.  It should be pretty obvious that I edited it down considerably.  The writer of this epic felt it necessary to make the same point repetitively nearly to the point of the comic and to then back up their thoughts with fairly well detailed, if not slightly obscure, Bible quotations.  It's been a long time since I even thought about the books of Habakkuk and Zephaniah.  Bravo and well played sir.  The thing is, however, that this gentleman brings up a point or two that I think may be worth talking about as others may find them applicable.

I don't want to wander too far down the ol' garden path here but I feel like I need to express this point pretty clearly.  I have a problem with those who accept every single tenant of their given faith without any examination or introspection.  I am primarily Christian in my personal beliefs, NOTE I SAID PRIMARILY, but I don't buy its dogma by the bucket wholesale.  In my own little opinion not everything preached from a pulpit or gleaned from chapter and verse is applicable today nor has stood the test of time and analysis.  Organized religion and faith are two very different things: one is a belief and one is a control mechanism.  I'll leave it to you to decipher the whole which is which thing.  Do I consider myself a Christian? Yes.  Do I think swearing or telling someone to take a sugar frosted fuck off my taint because they're being a moron means I'm going to hell? Not hardly, but if I'm wrong I guess I'm in line for a management position by this point.  I simply refuse to see profanity as a "sin" because, as I've said before, it's just words.  I tend to believe sins are universal, such as murder, and not a cultural thing.  Jobo the African Bushman understands murder just like we do in this country but I doubt any random slur you choose to sling his way in English will alter his day whatsoever.  So, as far as hypocrisy goes, I think this gentleman may be off base.  Hypocrisy is saying one thing and doing another, at least at its most basic definition.  I tend to express myself verbally, in writing, and in deed at about the same level and usually within the same paradigm.  Granted then again so does a poo-flinging howler monkey...

The other point that I felt bore a tad of discussion is the notion of commitment when you create a public persona.  I've learned that since I began my "literary career" that random people have a notion of me built before they ever meet me.  Granted it's in microcosm for the most part as I don't exactly have a national audience to speak of, but I not only find it interesting but kind of cool to see what people who read my work expect from me when they meet me.  Suffice it to say that some have been pretty close to home and I would almost swear that some have thought I was a good portion of one of my characters.  It's almost mind blowing to think what it's like for highly popular mainstream authors.  I've had maybe fifty of these experiences.  I can't imagine what thousands would be like. 

The reason I mention the idea of commitment to a public persona is that, as a writer, I think you have to make a decision about how much of yourself you're going to put out there for the public.  For the most part I have allowed myself to be who I am on paper to be who I am in person, but within limitations.  There are certain things I feel are private and don't belong in the public venue.  I am a little more forthcoming than some others in my field with what I do discuss on the blog, but at the same time I also try to limit myself to things that aren't going to drive off ye olde audience as well.  I also think that if you are considering putting yourself out there creatively you also have to be willing to back up what you say and be willing to stand by it regardless of the outcome sometimes.  My most recent example of this came up a few days ago.  A young man working at Cleveland Library came up to me and told me he had read the entirety of the blog since meeting me a few weeks earlier.  It turns out that he works at the same McDonald's that I lampoon on occasion because of horrific service or the antics of its staff.  Back in January of this year I wrote a post in which I mentioned a very predatory young woman making fun of some poor kid she was controlling based on her sexual hold on him.  It turns out that her little victim is actually the best friend of the kid I was speaking with.  Long story short, both the victim and the girl have now been shown the blog post and thankfully thought it was cool to be immortalized.  I haven't even thought about that incident in six months and it very well could have created a situation had someone been upset by it.  As I said earlier, if you're willing to say it in a public forum you'd best be ready to be reminded of it if not called on it later.  In a nutshell, that's primarily why I'm not taking this individual who wrote this note to task and lambasting him into a fine mist over the surface of the blog-o-sphere.  He felt I was shovelling the wrong flavor of b.s. and decided to call me on it.

Well, since that's all the mail for this week, I guess I'll call it an evening.  Have a great weekend and look for new guest blog posts as well as my random spewings coming in the next week! 

Number 100

While attempting to come up with something riveting, compelling, or let's just face it not boring for the 100th post for The Cynical Sarcastic, it occurred to me that the best way to commemorate this milestone is to continue what I normally do here: applying fingers to keyboard and hoping the results don't lead to mass weeping or more public ridicule than usual.

Before I wade into the issue at hand for the day, I do want to pause for just a moment to say thank you to all of you that read the blog regularly, submit comments and questions, and just generally make this a fun experience.  I have some great guest blogs lined up over the course of the next few months as well as some other changes that I'm pretty excited about coming down the pipe. Hopefully the next 100 posts will be even better than the first (you can stop pleading with God now - I got the hint).

As many of you that have been following along since I began this blather-fest last November, I started this blog as a way to gauge whether or not my particular brand of jibber -jabber had an audience and whether or not there may be a market for my upcoming fiction projects.  Well, over 14,000 page views later I'm happy to say that the collective sales for both books have now cleared the 1000 mark.  While it may be a drop in the bucket from a mass market standpoint, I personally consider it a dream come true to be able to say I now a published author.  As a way to say thanks, I've set up a little promotion on the ebook format for each of my books.  From now through August 15th, readers of The Cynical Sarcastic can receive an ebook of either or both of my books for FREE from Smashwords.com.  Simply visit the site, choose one or both books, and enter the appropriate coupon code(s) at checkout.  The codes are as follows:

MT88V

FA49K

Make sure that you checkout each item separately so that the coupon codes work correctly.  If you've already purchased the books through other sources like Amazon, Kindle, Nook, Kobo, iBooks, or Sony, feel free to use these coupons to inflict my work on others / introduce your friends to a new author / settle a few old grudges by tormenting others randomly.  However you choose to use them, these ebook downloads are completely DRM free with these coupons so they can be viewed and shared on any e-reader, computer, tablet, smart phone, and the like.  Thank you again to everyone of my fans (it will never cease to amaze me that I can say that) and know that without your support I could not have achieved the measure of success I have both now and in the future.  Make sure to stay tuned on the blog for updates on the next three upcoming projects, Hurricane Carolina, The Shadow of Death, and Brandon Stoops' debut novel which I'm co-authoring.

Now that we've got all the thanks-you's and happy stuff out of the way, let's get on to the meat of the post.  Kids, this whole Chick-Fil-A vs. gay marriage hubbub has gotten WAY out of hand.  Honestly, and I mean this from the bottom of my happy little heart, there are some people in this country that really need to get a grip and a clue as soon as possible. I mean in the old "here's a dollar, I want you to go down to the corner store and buy yourself a clue" kind of way.

This is just fucking dumb people.  That's all there is to it.

As a company, Chick-Fil-A has never, not once, ever made any attempt to hide its religious affiliation.  Duh, they're closed on Sunday, sponsor church camps, and play religious themed music in their dining room.  Is anyone reading this REALLY surprised that the head honcho for this organization came out against gay marriage? (Yes the turn of phrase was intentional.  Deal.)  If you are truly surprised by this I have to wonder what kind of internal shock and awe campaign you fall victim to every time you see a fat kid with a cookie.  I bet a dog shaking a squeaky toy must really fuck up your afternoon, huh?  How on God's green and verdant marble can you expect a company to suddenly act outside of its given corporate culture?  That's like getting mad when you can't buy socks at McDonald's or condoms that actually fit from a vending machine (I'm just sayin....).

Do I agree with Chick-Fil-A's stance?  Of course not, but by now if you've been playing along with the home game you knew that anyway.  Am I going to boycott them or take part in some silly same sex kiss day to protest?  Hell no and woe betide some dude who gets overly friendly and caught up in the spirit should I feel the need for a chicken bagel that morning.  Kids, it's just like the whole Boy Scouts of America vs. The United Way argument several years back.  The BSA is publicly anti-homosexual.  Fine, that's their stance.  One of my best friends is an Eagle Scout.  Big deal.  Personally I'm actually kind of proud of organizations that, in our ever politically-correct-to-the-point-of-lunacy bullshit inundated world, take a stand on an issue and stick to their guns despite public opinion to the contrary on occasion.

It's called Freedom of Speech people.  You know, as in the Bill of Rights.  I know this may unsettle some of you but the same freedoms that allow Mr. Cathy to express his views allow me to indulge my propensity for verbal diarrhea on this very blog.  Do I think it was the smartest business move of all time - uh no.  Somewhere there's a team of discrimination lawyers sporting three inch trouser pole in their legal briefs just waiting for the first clam-wrestling, fudge-packing, rainbow chasing friend of Dorothy to get their knickers in a wad because Assistant Manager Chad didn't let them take their break on time.  Bet on it, it's coming, God Bless the US-freakin-A, and there's not a thing ol' Mr. Cathy can do to stop the old fryer grease hot and nasty legal ass-reaming that's heading his company's way in spades.

Folks, it's all about keeping things in perspective.  Right is right and wrong is wrong and opinions are just that.  We are all allowed to have them and express them.  The point is to stay a bit grounded with all of it.  North Carolina let Amendment One pass.  Did I get upset? Yeah.  Did it fundamentally alter my existence? Not yet, anyway.  The same goes for CFA.  In the long run. That chicken sandwich you're gnawing on a few weeks from now is the exact same recipe it's always been regardless of what some dildo harness in a high dollar suit in an office building in Atlanta thinks about whether marriage equals Adam and Eve or Adam and Steve.

Personally, I still and will support what I feel is the innate human right to be happy and marry whosoever you wish.  I think we should all do what we can to allow our fellow man to be just a little less miserable in the long run, or maybe a little more depending on your view of marriage.  I'm going to continue to believe in that and, come September 1st when I'm finally off this demonic diet, I'm going to sit my oversize body in a comfy little Chick-Fil-A booth and power down a couple of sandwiches, some nuggets, and a lemonade regardless of whether their boss thinks clam-wrestling should be an Olympic event or not. 

After all, when it comes to my food, I prefer to stick with Fat Kid Logic. Politics ain't got a damn thing to do with Fat Kid Logic.

Thanks again for a great first 100 boys and girls.  See ya next time on the C.S.

Mail Call #2

Happy Friday boys and girls!  This was a pretty heavy week for email so let's get right too it.

Brian, you've made some pretty harsh comments this week regarding the Colorado shootings, heroes, and a bunch of similar topics.  I applaud your willingness to take a stand on how you feel, but don't you think this will hurt your sales and reputation?

There are so many way to answer this question.  I guess the best way to do so is to just be honest.  I am who I am (no Popeye jokes from the peanut gallery) and that's all I know how to be.  I am not now nor have I ever been accused of being a subtle person.  Hopefully my fans (it is still SO weird saying that) appreciate my inability to still within the p.c. status quo.  If not, well, it's kind of their loss I guess.  Personally I get offended by fake people. If you truly lack the "courage of your convictions" then why have the conviction in the first place? 

On a related note, I'd like to thank everyone for the large number of emails, texts, phone calls, Facebook chats, and even face to face discussions regarding this week's blog content on heroes, gun rights, and the will to act.  While I don't share the same viewpoints on these issues as some of you, I appreciate the fact that so many are willing to share their mind on these topics.  I've even found out through these discussions that I apparently even have a couple of nutjobs reading the blog now.  To those folks I say welcome, don't poke the other guests, and there's plenty of pudding in the fridge.

To wrap up the discussion, I do want to directly answer one email that implied I was being somewhat indirect about my personal beliefs on some of these issues.  I'm not sure which blog that particular individual was reading, but let's see if this helps.  I believe in our constitutionally protected right to bear arms (and arm bears - especially with frickin' lasers).  I believe in the rights of the individual to protect themselves appropriately.  I believe that it is a man's (or woman's as the case may be) job to defend their family and loved ones.  I also think most of our current gun control legislation is fluffy feel good bullshit aimed at placating the frightened not facing reality.  Criminals will ALWAYS have access to weapons.  And finally, what will it take to get some people to understand that guns don't kill people - the idgit pulling the trigger does?!?!  Fix the idgit not the gun you dumbasses!!

Other than royalties, what's really the upside to writing books?

I received this email on Monday and it's taken me a few days to answer, well at least to answer intelligently anyway.  I've talked before about the fact that I feel a real need to tell these stories that get in my head.  It's pretty much the only way to get rid of them.  Sometimes, as was the case with the second novel, the upside is that I get to see the culmination of years of work on a project.  Plus, as silly as it sounds, I now actually have proof I've been here.  Hopefully there will be many more as time goes on but for now, in some dark little corner of the whole of English literature sit my two little books.  I contributed, I created, and if I get hit by a random semi tomorrow there is at least proof I was here that will outlast the lives of those that know me personally.  It sounds horrifically grandiose but the upside of doing anything creative is that once you put it out there into the world, no matter what it is, your creation grants you a tiny little glimmer of legacy and immortality.  Strangely (maybe sadly, I'm not sure) enough my legacies are named Mack, Nick, Dina, David, Lina, and others, but messed up as those characters are they're mine nonetheless.  I've made the statement before but I truly hope that somewhere down the line my niece's grandkids or my own great grandkids find my little work on whatever passes for a library by then and gets the chance to find out what a truly messed up little monkey I truly am.  To me, personally, that's one hell of an upside.

I'm interested in self-publishing but don't know how?  Any pointers?

I'm actually in the process of putting together a little resource post on just that topic.  Look for it in the next week or so.

I've been working on a short story for two years now that has turned into a novel.  I'm about 100,000 words in, I think I'm about halfway finished, and now I'm stuck.  Any suggestions?

First of all, congratulations on getting this far to start with.  Most people don't.  Now, depending on formatting, I'm guessing your 100k is about three to four hundred pages already.  If that feels like the halfway point - wow!  The first thing I might suggest is to back away from it for a bit.  Work on another project.  Get drunk.  Get laid.  Take a break.  Get a job writing greeting cards.  Whatever works for you, just get your brain out of that universe for a while.  Getting stuck happens to all of us and for most it's just a matter of moving away from it to get "fresh eyes" on the story.  I might also suggest that you look at your book as a whole.  You've got so much material written already; you may actually have two books on your hands and not realize it! 

You are always asking for people to review your books online.  Why?

Book reviews, even bad ones, get the word out about an author's work.  Reviews help new readers know what they're getting into with a book, give people something to discuss,and help an author get better at their craft.  Some of my toughest reviews have been from good friends and they've been really helpful.  Of course, if you're a little twisted like I am, reviews can also be a truly funny source of entertainment.  The worst review I've received yet was so hilarious that it's still one of my favorites. So please, review away!

Well that's all the email for this week.  Thanks again for all your support.

Over the weekend we're going to be celebrating another milestone for The Cynical Sarcastic: the 100th post!  Make sure that you check in, it's going to be a good one.

In Response: The Will To Act

I received the following email this morning in response to yesterday's blog post.  It's not Friday yet but, given the subject matter, I thought it would be a good follow up to discuss.  The original was extremely long and well thought out but I have carefully edited down to save space while trying to keep the original message intact.

I've only recently started reading your blog.  I enjoy it but today feel the need to comment. I'm writing in response to your post regarding the Colorado incident.  It appears you espouse the idea that had there been an armed citizen in that theater, tragedy could have been averted... I have to vehemently disagree.  The sheer fact that the gunman had legally purchased firearms in his possession should indicate how erroneous that train of reasoning truly is at its core...  What bothers me is that, as a creative person that concerns himself with artistic pursuits, you fail to see the true issue is not one of defense but one of the need for defense... I don't own a gun nor do I see how owning one will do anything but escalate a dire situation I may find myself in... I agree with you that our police personnel are truly heroes but I wonder why you don't agree with letting them do their jobs.  Why do we need guns for protection when we have security systems and police response?... Yes the events in Colorado are horrible, but should they constitute a rallying cry to self-deputize the citizenry?  I urge you to consider both your personal stance and the public forum in which you discuss it.  You have an opportunity as a writer to help to influence those who read your work... I hope this gives you something to consider.

I appreciate this person's point of view.  Her argument is a valid one based on what she believes to be accurate information from her life experience.  Her standpoint on gun ownership is just as valid as opinion as mine is, whether I agree with it or not. 

This whole issue has been such a hot button over the last five days that nearly everyone is talking about it in some form or another. It occurred to me during a discussion with my wife last night about why I want her to carry a gun as we make changes in our life that while this horrific tragedy has spawned a lot of debate, it also has an underlying issue that I think bears discussing.  When you brush away the gravel and dirt, there's also the issue of the will to act lying beneath as well.

What do I mean by the "will to act?"  Simply, the capacity for violence.  It would have done no more good to have everyone in that Aurora theater armed if no one had the nerve to draw their weapon and use it. While discussing this event with a friend, it was pointed out that the perpetrator weighs approximately 180lbs and, even in full body armor, a direct hit from a .40 or .45 caliber slug would put him on his ass.  I agree with the logic, but then again, somebody has got to have the nerve to shoot the bastard to begin with. Since this whole event centers around a Batman movie, take a second and recall the scene in Batman Begins where Liam Neeson's Rha's Al Ghoul is explaining to Bruce Wayne that his parents' death was actually his father's fault for not being willing to act to save his family.

I rattle on a lot, both on this blog and unfortunately in life as well, about the rampant pussification of this society.  We've become far too concerned with everyone's feelings to focus on reality.  There is a simple truth to be had in all of this and I haven't heard it put better than in a blog on RangerUp.com that I read last night.  To paraphrase:

Most people in this world are sheep.

Sheep fear the sheepdog for he keeps them in line.

The sheepdog reminds them of the wolf with his teeth and muscle and

capacity for violence.

The sheep would rather the sheepdog dye his fur white, pull his teeth, and start saying Baa.

Until the wolf comes.

Then all those sheep try to hide behind one solitary sheepdog.

How many of us out there are truly sheep and how many are sheepdogs?  How many men do you know that don't just talk a good game but are actually physically and psychologically capable of protecting their families should shit and fan become acquainted?  I know a lot of good people in this world  I also realize that it's very easy to cull them into two groups, and honestly that saddens me. 

The will to act vs. the will to be a victim. 

Sheep or sheepdog.

Thomas or Bruce Wayne?

You know, the Norse tradition tells that the Valkyrie descended to take those that fell in battle to a place of honor in Valhalla.  Not the winners.  Not the losers.  Just those with the courage to act.

In his heart of hearts, every person knows their true nature.  What's yours? 

It's not about gun control and all that crap, not really.  It's about a gut check, pass or fail.

In response to my reader, thank you for your thoughts.  I respectfully disagree.

Heroes

Kids, I've got to get something off my chest.  Bear with me if you will.

I am sadly disappointed in a large number of my fellow Triangle area residents today.  Actually, I think the phrase "grieved by" is a much better description of what I'm feeling. 

I normally try to listen to G105's morning show on a daily basis, but was unable to this morning.  I heard about the bruhaha that good ol' Bobby Dumas, our own favorite local shock jock, caused and the near epic level of fallout surrounding it second hand.  One replay and a slew of message board reading later and I feel like I need to say something myself on this issue.

The entire stink from this morning's show was that Bob simply refused to acknowledge the victims of the Aurora, Colorado shootings as "heroes."  Seemingly a solid third of the area is incensed by this and thinks he's being disrespectful to those poor people.  Don't get me wrong here, the entire incident is a horrific tragedy and I hope that nutbag deep-fries for what he did.  By the way, I also think that Christian Bale is currently showing an amazing amount of class by taking time out to visit the victims still hospitalized by this horrible incident.

But folks, I gotta agree with Bob here.  There is a word for those people, but it's not hero.

They're called victims.

I categorically refuse to honor someone who was in a bad situation as a hero.  I'm sorry but there is nothing heroic, regardless of what your favorite rapper may contend, about being shot at simply for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Don't misunderstand me here.  My heart bleeds for these poor people and what they will have to live with for the rest of their lives while that orange haired fuck will most likely spend the rest of his squalid existence in a looney bin.  Were there heroes in this affair?  Hell yes!  The people who shielded their loved ones from harm, in some cases even giving their lives, are truly heroes.  The officers who took that fruit loop gunman into custody; definitely heroes.  The spineless fucking coward who reportedly jumped from the balcony and abandoned his girlfriend and child, not so much.  It seems as if a number of people want to hand out the 'hero-tag' like a participation trophy in hopes of making everyone feel better and I'm sorry but that is such RAGING BULLSHIT!  And please don't get me started on all the anti-gun pussies out there who are now saying that if we couldn't own guns that couldn't have happened.  Guess what, folks?  The huge spike in Colorado concealed carry permit applications since last Friday should tell you something. 

The simplest definition of the word hero is a person who, in the opinion of others, has performed a heroic act or deed.  If it's still not clear for you, let's boil it down to two simple and, if you're any kind of patriot, gut-wrenchingly powerful words: "Let's Roll"- Todd Beamer, Flight 93, 9/11/01.  That man and his fellow passengers who stormed that cockpit and thwarted the plans of evil men were heroes.  Every soldier that returns from being deployed into an active theater of war is a hero, whether they were on the front lines or in the rear with the gear as far as I'm concerned.  Our members of law enforcement who put on a uniform and go to work every single fucking day to put their life on the line to keep us safe are heroes.  I find it revoltingly pathetic that we as a society are so quickly willing to lump a feel better tag on people that are the victims of a horrible tragedy that we are don't seem to mind deriding the constant and consistent sacrifices of the real heroes among us in doing so.

Mr. Bob Dumas, you are now and forever shall be The Man and you are 100% right on this one my brother.  Thank you for speaking the truth regardless of how many want to tear you down for doing so!  To all those who are incensed over what he had to say, I'll tell you what.  Why don't you go home tonight and pull out your participation ribbon from fifth grade soccer and hug it real tight with your teddy bear while you go to bed so it will make you feel better.  The real heroes of this world will be out walking their walls and riding in their patrol cars, doing their job to hunt down the things that go bump in the night so you can continue living in your own little clueless haze of entitled contentment.  Enjoy, you clueless shits.  Enjoy.

Thoughts On...

To quote the lyrics of one of my favorite Staind songs:  "It's been awhile..."

That's right kiddies, your buddy the Cynical Sarcastic is back and mouthing off once again.  I'd dearly love to be able to say that I've been quiet for the last week or so because I was wallowing in the afterglow of the new book's release.  I'd like to be able to tell you that I spent this period of silence in blessed relaxation and meditation. 

Hell, I'd even be happy to be able say the laptop crapped out on me.

But no, sadly, that is not the reason for my lack of blathering.  

The only way to really explain my recent rendition of the sound of silence is to crib a phrase from a friend of mine:  "I Got Nothin'."  Literally boys and girls, until I rolled my oversized hindquarters out of bed this morning, the creative impulse and I had parted company for a bit.  For the first time in quite a while, I had absolutely bupkiss to say on pretty much anything be it an opinion, a blog, a sentence in a book, or anything else.  Nada, zip, zilch, zero.  It's not that I haven't tried, trust me I have, but apparently when you have a talent for manifesting words from the ether and that talent takes a break on you, well, let's just say that anything I attempted to write last week would have been much better off written on a Macaroni Grill paper tablecloth and promptly disposed of in a similar fashion or as emergency toilet paper.

So, since it appears that this magical Monday morning has seen me re-inhabited by the need to scribble, I figured I would get things moving again by sharing a few thoughts and handling a little housekeeping. As per our little title, here are some thoughts on... 

... on this blog

After logging in occasionally to check the numbers over the last month or so, I've noticed that the CS has either gained a fair number of new readers or there are a bunch of you out there that just can't stop pulling up the posts to show people what it looks like when an abject idiot is allowed to type without supervision.  I'm going to feed the ego a bit and pray that the first scenario is true, even though the second seems pretty damn plausible and fairly amusing right about now as well!  In any event, if you are a new reader to my little ramblings, welcome and thanks for stopping by.  You get the same ten second speech everyone else did when I started this thing last year: I will probably offend / piss you off at least once a month.  Hopefully I can make you laugh and maybe even think with similar frequency.  Feel free to drop me a line at any time via thecynicalsarcastic@gmail.com with any ideas, opinions, op ed, and even pleas to just shut up.  Be forewarned that if you come off as a douche you may be the recipient of a warning shot across the bow, but hey, it's all fun and games in the end anyway. 

... on The Dark Knight Rises

Absolute genius.  I couldn't be happier with the way the trilogy wrapped up and thought that Chris Nolan and company smashed it out of the park.  As for the unfortunate tragedy in Colorado, well, my hope is that the media will for once do as it should and let a tragedy slip slowly from consciousness and not give that shit stain any more recognition.  Unfortunately I get the feeling that before all this is over with we're gonna learn what kind of print boxers that bung monkey was wearing under his body armor.

... on our illustrious president

I've made the decision that from now on, when used in regard to Buford Obama, I will no longer capitalize the word president.  After the unceasing round of idiocy that has spewed from that ass puppet of late, I refuse to acknowledge even the simple respect his office deserves.  I swear to you all that your local PTA President that spends her early afternoons playing ride-em' cowgirl on the pool boy has more leadership ability and basic business sense than that idiot. One can only hope that by November enough of our citizens will have grown tired of our commander-in-chief using our country like a fifty year old toothless fluffer with a bad case of lockjaw, get off our collective knees, find some dignity and toss that wanktard to the curb before we find our great nation reduced to trading bareback anal for day old bread in the back of China's station wagon.  Regardless of what the stereotypes may say about the endowment of Asian men, something tells me we all might just feel it if the big red one starts tapping on our back doors.  Wait, doesn't that qualify as government allowing small business to succeed?

... on writer's panic

I know we're all familiar with the often used phrase "writer's block."  Every monkey that puts pen to paper (or finger to keyboard as the case may be) bitches about it on a regular basis.  Sometimes the words they just don't a-flow.  What happens though when the words don't flow for an extended period?  I think every writer has a different length of time during which it doesn't really bother them too badly if no magic happens.  For those that barely have time to write a paragraph a day I imagine it can take a while.  For me, however, recent events have conspired to inform me that after about four days with no words I begin to freak the hell out.  Two novels in and I'm done?  Really?  THAT was the sum total of my literary career? Oh God! 

Sometimes I can be a really silly bastard.

Well kids, that's all for this morning.  Let's see if the rest of the day remains productive.

Oh Ye of Narrow Mind

"... There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio

Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

Hamlet, Act I Scene V

It's not very often that I get a chance to trot out my love and appreciation of Shakespeare to use as part of a blog post.  People have a tendency to misread references to classical literature as an attempt to be haughty, snotty, or "better than" in a lot of cases.  Trust me kids, today that is just so very, very much not the case.

As I mentioned in yesterday's Friday mail call post, I'm trying to lean away from engaging the occasional moron who sends me an email fraught with overt stupidity.  I am, however, toying with adopting a rule that while one giggleshit may not be worth a response, five will get my attention.  To my way of thinking, the frequency of occurrence of five individuals outside of the Westboro Baptist Church all sharing the same brand of idiocy on a subject is so slim that I won't have to spend much time dealing with this.  By the way, if you are from the Westboro Baptist Church or affiliated with them in some way, THERE ARE GAY PEOPLE IN MY FIRST TWO BOOKS WHO SIN ON A VERY REGULAR BASIS.  I have a couple of signings coming up in the next few months.  I'd be happy to invite you to picket the hell out of my shit.  Nothing says massive book sales like protest signs. (Insert sound clip of "Sinner..." from Tommy Boy here.)

As a writer, or for that matter as a creative person of any ilk who produces fodder for the masses, one of your "professional" concerns is a concept called "the audience principle."  Essentially, if you continually piss off your readers, they will stop reading.  Unless you're just that good and they can't help themselves.  For the best explanation of this concept I've ever seen, check out Ben Affleck and Jason Lee's ComiCon scene at the beginning of Chasing Amy.  

Unfortunately kids, I've never really gotten a handle on the whole audience principle thing.  I tend to say what I think, come hell, high water, bad reviews, or coming off like an over-opinionated dick.  Sorry.  I guess when it all comes down to it, sometimes I get a bit overindulgent with my own "muchness."

To that end, I have to respond to this 'series' of emails I've received regarding the new book. Before I continue, as always, please remember that I love hearing from everyone with their opinions and comments on any of my work.  It's just that every now and then, well, some things burble up through the muck and I can't help but take a swat at them.  This is one of those cases.  I've received eight emails now berating me for being totally unrealistic with the character of Dina in that a truly gay woman would never fall in love with a man. These ladies are convinced that such a thing cannot and would not ever happen unless the woman was deluded or had, as one genius put it, "mislabelled" herself.  Well, here's my response to the whole "things that could never happen" argument.

Ornithorhynchus anatinus - and he's pleased to meet you.

Other than serving as proof that somebody at the ol' celestial creation station was rockin' ye olde ganj, the platypus is exactly one of those things that shouldn't have happened but did.  The simple truth to my character, ladies, is that iconic t-shirt slogan: Shit Happens.  But to be clear, it's not the fact that these good and noble guardians of vaginal power took issue with my literary creation that bothers me.  Honestly, I'm glad that something I created rankled anyone on any level enough to illicit a response.  What irritates me is that these apparently intelligent and self-possessed women are so tied into identity labels and what is apparently a very narrow view of the universe that they missed the whole point of the exercise. 

Hamlet was not wrong kids.  There are more things going on in this world than we can possibly understand or comprehend.  In my highly less than humble opinion, it's not our responsibility to decry the things we don't understand as wrong or not feasible or whatever.  Our driving force should be to open up the windows of our cobwebbed little noggins and let the proverbial sunshine in while we try to get a clue.  I don't mean this in a belittling way at all but as I kept reading this fairly articulate pile of male-bashing et al, I couldn't help but recall the older woman on the faux TV show in Starship Troopers who found the idea of a bug that thinks offensive.  It truly saddens me to know that anyone in our day and age is still so hung up on strapping a label around someone to define who they are that challenging that notion offends them.  Folks, if this was 1992 I'd get it, but now, really?

I guess my point is simply this.  We all have our little comfort zones where things happen in a way that we understand and everything fits nice and neatly.  The fact is that the world is just too full of wonder for any of us to have a hope of getting through it all without having to expand our concepts of the way the world works.  Things are going to happen and people are going to exist that we just don't understand or like.  Look, I not only got married once but now twice.  Talk about things that just aren't very freakin' likely to happen.  Maybe I should have had a platypus ring bearer...

There, see, I made it through an entire response to an inflammatory topic without calling anyone a narrow minded cunt waffle. Aren't you proud? 

Aww dammit.