Well boys and girls, now that Bounce is finally put to bed it’s time for your buddy the CS to get back to doing what he does best: running off at the mouth with no real clue where it’s all going to lead! I PROMISE YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL THIS POST IS IN NO WAY WORK APPROPRIATE.
So let’s start things off with one of everyone’s favorite topics: HOT WOMEN!
(For all of you learning how to write out there, that’s called cheap pandering to your audience for attention. Learn it well young padawan.)
I’d like to take a few minutes today to discuss what it is about an attractive woman holding a weapon that seems to be so highly boner inducing to the more red blooded members of our herd. Ladies, I am not being discriminatory here in the least. I know there are a large number of you out there that have been known to generate a couple of millimeters of girl wood over an Angelina Jolie-dispensed ass whoopin, so you’re allowed to play today as well. For the rest of you gun hating, limp wristed, prettier than every woman you’ve ever dated wussburgers out there who are still trying to sell everyone else on the whole “guns kill people’ line and were late to work yesterday because you stopped off to piss on Chuck Heston’s grave, the dick you forgot to eat this morning before you left the house is still sitting on the kitchen table. I’d get back to it quickly before that shit hits rooms temperature.
That’s right kiddies, today we’re gonna talk about just exactly what it is that makes these women so freaking attractive. Where did the idea for this post come from, you may ask? Did monkey boy look up from his keyboard too long one night and get caught up with something playing on Netflix in the background that put his mind so far in the gutter that he gave himself an involuntary chin rest? Nope, well, sorta nope anyway although Netflix did have something to do with it. I was browsing thru the new release queue the other day and I couldn’t help but notice how many just bad action movies there were showing up that had scantily clad women on the cover holding some enormous gun or blade of some description. This got my little mind wondering and wandering as it is prone to do so often late at night when I’m trying to get some work done. This brought today’s question to mind: why are we so fascinated with these images that they exist in such proliferation?
Let’s break the whole stereotype apart for a second. Attractive female person with somewhat cartoonish features – check. If you don’t understand that particular part of the equation, I sincerely apologize for wasting both you and your boyfriend’s time and hope you enjoy your antiquing trip to New England this weekend. Place attractive female person in skin tight and or revealing outfit – check but unnecessary. Years after their respective shows were cancelled there still exists a legion of male Joss Whedon fans out there that still weep softly to themselves every time they watch a rerun of Buffy or Firefly and watch Sarah Michelle Gellar stake a vampire in a prom dress or see Jewel Staite all greasy from working on Serenity’s engine in a cargo pants and a wife beater.
Sorry, had to wipe a quick tear from my eye. God I hate it when my inner nerd gets all emotional.
So that leaves us with the weapon itself. Hmm. Well, we all know that gun manufacturers have used attractive women from time immemorial to showcase their wares. You know I’d even be willing to bet you then when Tom Cruise’s character in The Last Samurai freaked out and walked off stage at the expo the Winchester corporation probably replaced his ass with a booth babe in a corset and bloomers. (Dear history buffs: the preceding line was a joke. I know movies aren’t real. And besides, we all know that what Captain Scientology was actually holding was really a pocket Derringer anyway. Bitch is just that short!) So what is it about an attractive woman holding a weapon that gets to us all? I think it comes down to something a whole lot more primal than any of us want to talk about. I think it comes down to testosterone.
It goes without saying that we are becoming more and more passive as a society. I don’t want to wade into the whole pussification-of-America rant here because that’s not really our topic, however the fact remains that there is a lot of truth in the sentiment. We’ve even discussed previously on this very blog how men are becoming softer and softer by nature and how women are becoming increasingly unhappy with this state of affairs. I swear to you I cannot count on both hands the number of female friends I have had to listen to as they bemoan the fact that their men have become less and less manly both in and out of the bedroom.
What does all of this have to do with girls and guns? It’s actually pretty simple if you think about it. We are all still animals no matter how many BMWs we buy or how nice our houses are or how big our bank accounts get. At our most primal we as a species respond to aggression. If you think for one second that Og the caveman got laid regularly by bringing a girl flowers and cleaning her house you are sadly and pathetically mistaken my friend. I think that’s where the whole girls-with-weapons argument hits home: it tweaks that angry, horny little monkey in all of us that wants to mate with someone at least as much of a badass as we see ourselves as if not more so. Think I sound a little far-fetched? Think this theory is a bit out there? I can point to two conversations had in the past two weeks in which both a female and male friend intimated similar information. The guy made a crack about finding a woman confident enough to pull him by the beard and tell him to drag her to bed and the woman lamented her inability to find a man who was alpha male enough to pull her hair, throw her against the wall and break her in half until God came for her (yes, she is a bit of a drama princess). Honestly I thought about trying to get these two together but I’m not sure I want to be responsible for that kind of rampant property damage. It would be like forcing Godzilla to watch days of monkey porn a la A Clockwork Orange and then turning him loose on King Kong’s slightly gothic sister in downtown Tokyo without lube. Yikes. Lizard scales and monkey fur and broken buildings oh my.
You know, I just realized that sometimes mental images can actually go too far. Sorry.
To wrap up, I think the whole issue with women and guns comes down to us just being the animals nature intended. We can cover it up, gloss it over, or try to slap a tie and some Brooks Brothers over it but at the end of the day we are who we are: creatures driven by the need to mate, procreate, and repeat. Since most of us have wives (or husbands – remember ladies are just as much a part of this as men are) that would kick our asses all the way to divorce court for acting on those impulses, we just smile, nod, and go about our day until we see some random girl walk into our favorite bar carrying a bloody machete, a sawed off shotgun, and yelling for a fifth of Jack. Then only one thing needs to be said:
“Dude, seriously, sit back down. I swear it’s not your birthday.”
So let’s start things off with one of everyone’s favorite topics: HOT WOMEN!
(For all of you learning how to write out there, that’s called cheap pandering to your audience for attention. Learn it well young padawan.)
I’d like to take a few minutes today to discuss what it is about an attractive woman holding a weapon that seems to be so highly boner inducing to the more red blooded members of our herd. Ladies, I am not being discriminatory here in the least. I know there are a large number of you out there that have been known to generate a couple of millimeters of girl wood over an Angelina Jolie-dispensed ass whoopin, so you’re allowed to play today as well. For the rest of you gun hating, limp wristed, prettier than every woman you’ve ever dated wussburgers out there who are still trying to sell everyone else on the whole “guns kill people’ line and were late to work yesterday because you stopped off to piss on Chuck Heston’s grave, the dick you forgot to eat this morning before you left the house is still sitting on the kitchen table. I’d get back to it quickly before that shit hits rooms temperature.
That’s right kiddies, today we’re gonna talk about just exactly what it is that makes these women so freaking attractive. Where did the idea for this post come from, you may ask? Did monkey boy look up from his keyboard too long one night and get caught up with something playing on Netflix in the background that put his mind so far in the gutter that he gave himself an involuntary chin rest? Nope, well, sorta nope anyway although Netflix did have something to do with it. I was browsing thru the new release queue the other day and I couldn’t help but notice how many just bad action movies there were showing up that had scantily clad women on the cover holding some enormous gun or blade of some description. This got my little mind wondering and wandering as it is prone to do so often late at night when I’m trying to get some work done. This brought today’s question to mind: why are we so fascinated with these images that they exist in such proliferation?
Let’s break the whole stereotype apart for a second. Attractive female person with somewhat cartoonish features – check. If you don’t understand that particular part of the equation, I sincerely apologize for wasting both you and your boyfriend’s time and hope you enjoy your antiquing trip to New England this weekend. Place attractive female person in skin tight and or revealing outfit – check but unnecessary. Years after their respective shows were cancelled there still exists a legion of male Joss Whedon fans out there that still weep softly to themselves every time they watch a rerun of Buffy or Firefly and watch Sarah Michelle Gellar stake a vampire in a prom dress or see Jewel Staite all greasy from working on Serenity’s engine in a cargo pants and a wife beater.
Sorry, had to wipe a quick tear from my eye. God I hate it when my inner nerd gets all emotional.
So that leaves us with the weapon itself. Hmm. Well, we all know that gun manufacturers have used attractive women from time immemorial to showcase their wares. You know I’d even be willing to bet you then when Tom Cruise’s character in The Last Samurai freaked out and walked off stage at the expo the Winchester corporation probably replaced his ass with a booth babe in a corset and bloomers. (Dear history buffs: the preceding line was a joke. I know movies aren’t real. And besides, we all know that what Captain Scientology was actually holding was really a pocket Derringer anyway. Bitch is just that short!) So what is it about an attractive woman holding a weapon that gets to us all? I think it comes down to something a whole lot more primal than any of us want to talk about. I think it comes down to testosterone.
It goes without saying that we are becoming more and more passive as a society. I don’t want to wade into the whole pussification-of-America rant here because that’s not really our topic, however the fact remains that there is a lot of truth in the sentiment. We’ve even discussed previously on this very blog how men are becoming softer and softer by nature and how women are becoming increasingly unhappy with this state of affairs. I swear to you I cannot count on both hands the number of female friends I have had to listen to as they bemoan the fact that their men have become less and less manly both in and out of the bedroom.
What does all of this have to do with girls and guns? It’s actually pretty simple if you think about it. We are all still animals no matter how many BMWs we buy or how nice our houses are or how big our bank accounts get. At our most primal we as a species respond to aggression. If you think for one second that Og the caveman got laid regularly by bringing a girl flowers and cleaning her house you are sadly and pathetically mistaken my friend. I think that’s where the whole girls-with-weapons argument hits home: it tweaks that angry, horny little monkey in all of us that wants to mate with someone at least as much of a badass as we see ourselves as if not more so. Think I sound a little far-fetched? Think this theory is a bit out there? I can point to two conversations had in the past two weeks in which both a female and male friend intimated similar information. The guy made a crack about finding a woman confident enough to pull him by the beard and tell him to drag her to bed and the woman lamented her inability to find a man who was alpha male enough to pull her hair, throw her against the wall and break her in half until God came for her (yes, she is a bit of a drama princess). Honestly I thought about trying to get these two together but I’m not sure I want to be responsible for that kind of rampant property damage. It would be like forcing Godzilla to watch days of monkey porn a la A Clockwork Orange and then turning him loose on King Kong’s slightly gothic sister in downtown Tokyo without lube. Yikes. Lizard scales and monkey fur and broken buildings oh my.
You know, I just realized that sometimes mental images can actually go too far. Sorry.
To wrap up, I think the whole issue with women and guns comes down to us just being the animals nature intended. We can cover it up, gloss it over, or try to slap a tie and some Brooks Brothers over it but at the end of the day we are who we are: creatures driven by the need to mate, procreate, and repeat. Since most of us have wives (or husbands – remember ladies are just as much a part of this as men are) that would kick our asses all the way to divorce court for acting on those impulses, we just smile, nod, and go about our day until we see some random girl walk into our favorite bar carrying a bloody machete, a sawed off shotgun, and yelling for a fifth of Jack. Then only one thing needs to be said:
“Dude, seriously, sit back down. I swear it’s not your birthday.”
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