Guess what kiddies? Your buddy the Cynical Sarcastic is finally back from his protracted week long bout with the nastiest stomach flu he or his doctor has ever heard of in recent memory. I'm telling you folks, this mess was pure evil. We're talking the-end-of-the-third-season-of-Buffy-when-Angel-goes-evil-on-Slayer-nookie evil. Yes, I swear to you this virus was mean enough I think it even killed a gypsy computer teacher.
Yeah, you got the reference. It's okay though, we won't tell anyone else.
So to crib Varsity Blues as shamelessly as possible: I'M BACK, PUKING ROWDY!!!
And it just so happens that there's a reprobative finger sniffing little ass gremlin who has found themselves so squarely in my sights that I'm actually having a hard time trying to figure out which Weapon of Massive Psychological Destruction to unleash upon the wanktard.
So what's on my mind today boys and girls?
Well why don't you just go on ahead and get comfortable while I get good and wound up.
We might be here for a bit.
Over the past week I have had a number of people call to check in on me while I have been as extremely ill as I have. I'm not usually the sickly kind of dude so I guess it struck some folks as unusual. Well, one of the calls I received was from a pseudo-friend from back in the days when I lived in Asheville. I'm not even Facebook friends with this bundle of goo so I'm not even sure how they found me but hey, whatever works. This female person who will remain nameless (mostly because she's probably gonna want to sue somebody by the time I get finished today) was calling to say hello since we hadn't talked in forever blah blah, blah, blah blah blah blah. Mind you I'm so sick at the time that talking was effort but hey, I can be pleasant even when I'm doing my best hourly impersonation of the Technicolor Yawn. The conversation was benign enough and blessedly short until she made some offhanded comment about the fact that she and her husband were about to pull their kids out of their preschool because she found out that some of 'THOSE' people brought their kids there.
For those of you that know me fairly well, allow me to drop back out of the pocket just a second and catch everyone else up on a few things. Three things shocked me at this point in the conversation: (1) This individual conned some poor monkey into marrying her hateful, bitter, and condescending ass, (2) That disturbing mental image of a conjugal union managed to bear fruit and provide this cretin with two little crotch dumplings of her own to ruin, and (3) that in the year 2012 her now apparently well off and underfucked little twenty years late to be a REAL yuppie behind had the audacity to refer to ANYONE as 'those people.'
WHAT THE FUCK JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO COVER IT, NOW DOES IT?
Now, granted, I was extremely unwell at the time so maybe that should excuse the next thing that came out of my dumbass mouth. "What people," I had to ask like a moron?
"You know," this labially challenged trustee of priviledge and personal pharmacists replied. "The gays."
Needless to say the phone went dead fairly quickly and if I'm not totally misremembering the situation I believe I ranted at a dead phone line for a good ten minutes before falling back to sleep. I know it started with "you ignorant bitch" and included my patented line inquiring as to which mickey-mouse-fantasia-broomstick-army-your-parents-were-on-leave-from-when-your-simple-ass-was-conceived and then went from there.
And so this brings me to my topic for today: Sexual Diversity.
My dear readers, there are so many things in this world to get upset about or develop prejudices over. I personally hate stupid people. I can't help it, I just do. But when it comes to what two or three or however many consenting adults do in the privacy of their own bedroom, I mean really, why do we even care? Straight-Gay-Bi-Tri WHAT THE HELL EVER! Does it really matter people? Really? Are we still that cloistered in our thinking as a society? Do we still judge people based on their bedroom activities because someone else convinced us it was wrong? Not to be mean here, but I'm even talking to you ultra-conservatives. Unless you can prove to me that God Almighty came to you through one of his angels and personally told you that any definition of sexuality and family other than the traditional construct is immoral, I'm sorry but at some point someone else read it in a book and made the argument to you that it was right and you bought in. Am I saying you're wrong? No. Am I saying you have just as much right to your opinion as the next group of fudge packing butt ninjas who choose to sodomize each other in a daisy chain while wearing burlap sacks on a main runway at the airport while they take turns licking flaming tequila off of a scalded teddy bear while waiting for the great god Bacchus to descend and take them to Valhalla? Yes. That's all.
(Author's Note: Sorry to offend anyone if I'm misquoting the exact deity in question in the preceeding description of ritual. I was laughing too hard to hold the video camera still and the audio got a little muffled. I mean, let's be real. Even missionary position is pretty funny when viewed in the right circumstances. Don't believe me? Try watching your favorite porno with the volume down while Hanson's MmmBop plays in the background. Classic.)
Folks, what you do in the privacy of your bedroom, as long as it doesn't harm anyone permanently or break any real laws is your freakin' business. If any of us were EVER to be fully judged for the nonsense we've pulled in the name of sexual discovery, exploration, or conquest it would not be a good situation. Guys, it's kind of like this. How would you like if your boss could fire you based on knowing about the time you snatched open your towel and did the Mr. Happy Dance at your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/Great Dane, etc? I mean, we've all had our little Forgetting Sarah Marshall impersonation, right?
Haven't we?
Guys?
Or was it just me?
Shit........
Oh fuck it, I'll have to just own that one then. At least I had the sense to stop doing it after I saw it done in that movie. Once Marshall from How I Met Your Mother did it, I can't in good conscience allow myself to do it again. Unless I was very drunk of course. That's the only time where almost anything, including attempting to pee in a linen closet, is basically forgiveable.
But I digress, big time, once again. All I'm saying here is that by this point in our evolution as a culture, species, and country is it really okay for anyone to still harbor that ridiculous of a prejudice? Sure, it's their right. But is it okay for them to act on it in a way that will impact their children? Not so easy of an answer, is it?
To wrap this up and go back to my meds, I'll leave you all with this. If you have a problem with people with different sexual preferences than yours, I encourage you to embrace your own beliefs wholeheartedly yet silently and in a profound manner.
In other words: SHUT THE HELL UP AND GO FUCK YOURSELF.
No comments:
Post a Comment