Hello all. It appears that I may have shocked a good portion of my tiny corner of the universe by unexpectedly getting married yesterday. Hey, for what it's worth, there was a completely random set of circumstances that led us to the conclusion that it was something that needed to be done and done quickly. We're still going to have our planned wedding later this year but, hey, for now at least the pressure is off.
Yes, for the several of you who mentioned it, I am aware of exactly how random and out of the blue this was. Trust me, lack of planning on our part does not equal social obligation on the part of anyone else!
And no, for the 485th time, my new wife is not pregnant. I swear.
However, as is par for the course of my little eighteen holes on this rock (too far with the golf metaphor?), nothing goes off without at least a couple of funny stories cropping up along the way. So, for your general amusement...
1) It appears that in Johnston County, North Carolina, you really can put together an impromptu wedding in literally no time flat. Start to finish, including drive time, was less than two hours. Considering the discussion as to whether or not we should go ahead and get married now instead of in October began at 9 p.m. Thursday night and we were married by 3 p.m. Friday, I guess I shouldn't have much to say on the subject. Moral: if the process for a major life event can be concluded in less than a twenty-four hour period, it probably should have already been taken care of to start with.
2) During the brief period of time between completion of the paperwork and the arrival of my parents to serve as our witnesses, my fiance and I decided to grab a soda at the deli that sits in front of the magistrate's office. Don't ask, it is after all Johnston County. The following conversation occurs at the counter:
Smart Ass Deli Owner (SMAD): What can I get you?
Me: Two cans of Mountain Dew.
SMAD: Anything else?
Me: Nope, that will get it.
SMAD: Want me to shake them up for you?
(Apparently at this point my body language and/or my expression gave away my internal sentiment of 'Dude I'm twice your size and not in the mood to be fucked with right now so just gimme the damn soda you lactating sphincter wrinkle!')
SMAD: Or not?
Me, trying to be nice: Considering I'm about to get married right now, probably not the best idea.
SMAD: Oh so I should just shake up hers then. Make it a comedy wedding.
Me, realizing my own inner smart ass had just been engaged: Followed rapidly by the comedy divorce.
SMAD: Never heard of a comedy divorce.
Me: Should of been there for my first one.
SMAD: stunned look followed by bending over the counter laughing.
Moral: Sometimes being quick witted is much more useful than being large and a little intimidating. Interestingly enough, a little research proves that it is never against the law to double someone over with laughter while punching a douchebag in the gut for annoying you usually comes with jail time, or so I've been told.
3) My father, proud progenitor of the DNA that apparently spawned my twisted sense of humor and need to be socially inappropriate as often as possible, walks into the magistrates office and proceeds to announce to the magistrate that he needed to "get these two arrested," in reference to me and my fiance. The magistrate reaches to call for a deputy then my father interrupts and says "I'm sorry I meant married." Cue smarmy look from magistrate. Moral: I have no idea. The man's been that way for the 38 years I've known him and I'm getting more like him every day.
4) In the Johnston County magistrates office waiting room is a sign that warns that you may be held in contempt of court for profanity, yelling, or attempts at violence. Obviously taking cues from my father's antics and trying to pass the time while we wait I reference the sign to my mother and ask her if she thinks that it is only in reference to those waiting to get married or if it's for those involved in small claims actions as well. Laughter ensues. At that moment, the apparently female and redneck version of that little critter who sits on Jabba the Hutt's lap in Jedi and her companion, a female cross between said Hutt and a Wookie with a mange issue, storm out of small claims court. I make some comment about I guess Jabba and Chewie lost and my mother has to tell her 38 year old son to hush. Suddenly the aforementioned sign captures my father's attention. Now it should be noted that my father is a bit (selectively) hard of hearing on occasion. He decides to ask my mother if that sign was only for the folks there for weddings or if it was just for general principal. My mother and fiance promptly crack up laughing at both of us. Moral: My wife is a brave, brave woman. She's seen the strength of that particular strand of DNA and went through with it anyway.
5) While completing the paperwork before my bride and I can say our 'I Do's' and continue on into wedded bliss, the magistrate chooses to regale us with the story of the poor girl who started his day by insisting on bawlling her eyes out and refusing to enter his office, then crying during the entire ceremony, then only hugging her new husband. He then chose, in concert with my father, to speculate as to how fast they would be back in his office for the other end of the transaction, so to speak. While rolling my eyes slightly and making faces at my intended to keep her amused I noticed that during this entire conversation the magistrate had 'The Talk' playing on the flat screen in his office. Moral: Civil servants, God bless them, must endure the entire gambit of humanity. Much like retail managers, I imagine that magistrates must develop a very jaded view of the world. The question lies though as to how much of it is a survival skill and how much of it is for their personal amusement.
So there they are boys and girls, five silly things that happened the day we decided to get married. At this point all I can really say is that if we get all this in the giggles department with not much more than an afterthought of planning, may God and any other deity of your choice help us when it comes to the wedding later this year. I wonder if February is too early to hire the midgets with video cameras. . .
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