I have a passion for horrible jokes. I can't help it. Sometimes it seems that the more moan and groan inducing the joke is, the more I adore it. I've fought the urge to include these in this blog but you know, after much consideration, I decided to include them after all. It won't be a daily thing but you'll definitely start seeing more of them. Email submissions are always welcome as well. If I post your joke I'll make sure you get credit!
So here are two of the absolute worst jokes I've heard in recent memory:
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza place. He asks the waiter to make him one with everything.
Two men walk into a bar. The first man orders a scotch. The second man remembers something he'd forgotten and suddenly doubles over in pain. Moaning in agony he falls to the floor and then falls through the floor and into the earth. He looks up from the bottom of the pit he's fallen into and sees the first man drinking his scotch yet says nothing. They're not that close.
Thank you I'll be here all week....
And I wonder why someone emailed me the suggestion to rename my blog "Brain Droppings."
Hey, if George Carlin (requiescat in pace) hadn't already used it as a book title, I'd be all over it.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Happy Holidays from the C.S.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from the Cynical Sarcastic.
Look for the year end post coming up on 12/31.
I'll be back to ranting and raving once again beginning 1/2/2012!!
Look for the year end post coming up on 12/31.
I'll be back to ranting and raving once again beginning 1/2/2012!!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
With All Thanks and Due Respect
Good evening loyal readers. Here we find ourselves once again. Something's going on in the world and I happen to have a little something to say about it. To quote En Vogue: "wrote... about it, want to hear it? here it go..."
As we are finally withdrawing our forces from Iraq with all due pomp and circumstance, I would like to take a few minutes and say something to our men and women in uniform that I truly feel they deserve and genuinely do not hear enough:
THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU DO AND HAVE DONE FOR YOUR COUNTRY!
I hate to have to continue to crib lines from movies to make my points - wait, check that, actually I do like doing that so strike that last bit but continue on - but to paraphrase Jack Nicholson's speech from A Few Good Men these men and women choose to walk those 'walls' so that we don't have to ourselves. These soldiers are volunteering to place themselves in harm's way to protect this country and our way of life no matter how they may personally feel about the situation and for that I believe they deserve our gratitude. I promise you that when our members of the armed forces were sitting sweat drenched underwear deep in sand, grit and camel shit while all manner of Hell's IED wrapped fury rained down on them that not one single one of them gave a red-assed-babboon's nut hair about 'probable weapons of mass destruction' or 'securing oil rights.' All they cared about was getting themselves and their buddies safe and homeward bound. Patriotism, no matter how it manifests, is a funny thing. These young men and women did what they did because they took an oath and volunteered to put a boot in the ass of those who needed it courtesy of the red, white, and blue (thank you Toby Keith). Regardless of politics, regardless of fifty cents a gallon cheaper gas, regardless of how you personally feel about George Bush or Barack Obama, they had a job to do and they got it done.
So don't you think that we owe them a whole shit load more than they are getting from us now that they are currently or are on their way back home?
I'm not trying to get an honorary membership to the VFW here folks. I've heard horror stories over the past month of veterans of our armed forces going through poverty, neglect, homelessness, and even worse being denied medical and psychological treatment because of some pencil pusher who works for the VA or some other administrative group was too tired that afternoon and late for a golf game to finish filing out someone's authorization for treatment. I've personally watched two instances of newly returned soldiers being derided by some high and mighty ass ferret because we 'shouldn't have gone to Iraq to start with.' I've even just today been given the details of a Vietnam-era vet who is being denied treatment by the VA and left to essentially rot in an emergency room in Carteret County due to a desperate act that in reality was a cry of desperation for aid.
I try fairly hard not to get on too large of a soap box on this blog. I don't try to advance political agendas and the like. My only goal here is to cry foul when I see it, blow the whistle a bit, and try to get the game moving again as it were. This, however, needs to called what it is. It looks like bullshit, it smells like bullshit, and it is 100% Grade A, made in America, July 4th flag napkin covering up dog turd on a picnic blanket BULLSHIT and we should be ashamed of ourselves.
There is a solution, however, and I challenge all of my readers to do this in the coming week. Take a minute out of your holiday cheer and tell a solider thank you. That's all. Just start there. It's that simple. If you feel ready to move to the next level, visit a VA hospital, call a veterans service office to volunteer, or hell, just take some cookies to National Guard post for Christmas. If you really want to get creative, consider looking into and giving money or volunteering your time to a little program called the Wounded Warrior Project. They are actually doing some good and I think more of us need to be a part of it. We as a nation owe a large debt to a lot of our citizens and, as a society, I think we're starting to bounce some metaphorical checks.
Thanks for indulging me on this one kids. We are all going to benefit from the improvements to the corner of the world our military just helped to clean up. As these folks return home from a job well done, let's make sure we give them their due. To those of you lucky enough to have a veteran in your life, no matter who they are or where they served or when, take a second over the course of the holidays and tell them thank you for doing their part to ensure that we all continue to have the freedom to argue each year over who gets the drumstick at Christmas dinner.
Enjoy this last week before the holiday!
Oh yeah, as a by the way, I have a little piece of parting advice to all of you as you finish your holiday shopping up over the next few days and prepare to spend time with your family, friends, and/or Chinese restaurant of choice over the coming week. There are three items that you will not find in any store at this time of year that I have found out are actually in very high demand. I feel it's in the best interest of my readers to let you in on this information as it will save you a immense amount of stress over the next few days. First of all, every store in the continental United States is completely sold out of "I Don't Know," as in "what should we get for Uncle John's present - I Don't Know." I have a great contact in retail merchandising who assures me that the shelves will be stocked with IDK sometime around late January, just when they begin to seriously market tax prep software. Secondly is "O.F.U." Yes, the F stands for exactly what you think it does. Normal stores are already sold out but I understand it can be ordered On Demand like reruns of old HBO movies. Apparently the best way to receive an expedited order of OFU is to wish a particularly surly person Merry Christmas, as in "Merry Christmas - Oh F. You!" My understanding is that they are doing a particularly brisk business on this item in most high end car dealerships this time of year. Finally, there is one product you will not find for sale anywhere but you may actually find yourself in need of during this holiday season: "F. IT" The good news is that F. It is actually free and can be found lurking near the bottom of third drink poured at your local tavern of choice. My understanding is that it takes two drinks to be able to see the F. It clearly and then the third actually allows you to claim your prize. Be careful though as it has also been brought to my attention that F. It has been blamed for as many as seventy-five percent of all last call hook ups and two-thirds of all unintentional pregnancies.
Just a little holiday humor spun the Cynical Sarcastic way boys and girls. Have fun this week and look for another post just before Christmas!
As we are finally withdrawing our forces from Iraq with all due pomp and circumstance, I would like to take a few minutes and say something to our men and women in uniform that I truly feel they deserve and genuinely do not hear enough:
THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU DO AND HAVE DONE FOR YOUR COUNTRY!
I hate to have to continue to crib lines from movies to make my points - wait, check that, actually I do like doing that so strike that last bit but continue on - but to paraphrase Jack Nicholson's speech from A Few Good Men these men and women choose to walk those 'walls' so that we don't have to ourselves. These soldiers are volunteering to place themselves in harm's way to protect this country and our way of life no matter how they may personally feel about the situation and for that I believe they deserve our gratitude. I promise you that when our members of the armed forces were sitting sweat drenched underwear deep in sand, grit and camel shit while all manner of Hell's IED wrapped fury rained down on them that not one single one of them gave a red-assed-babboon's nut hair about 'probable weapons of mass destruction' or 'securing oil rights.' All they cared about was getting themselves and their buddies safe and homeward bound. Patriotism, no matter how it manifests, is a funny thing. These young men and women did what they did because they took an oath and volunteered to put a boot in the ass of those who needed it courtesy of the red, white, and blue (thank you Toby Keith). Regardless of politics, regardless of fifty cents a gallon cheaper gas, regardless of how you personally feel about George Bush or Barack Obama, they had a job to do and they got it done.
So don't you think that we owe them a whole shit load more than they are getting from us now that they are currently or are on their way back home?
I'm not trying to get an honorary membership to the VFW here folks. I've heard horror stories over the past month of veterans of our armed forces going through poverty, neglect, homelessness, and even worse being denied medical and psychological treatment because of some pencil pusher who works for the VA or some other administrative group was too tired that afternoon and late for a golf game to finish filing out someone's authorization for treatment. I've personally watched two instances of newly returned soldiers being derided by some high and mighty ass ferret because we 'shouldn't have gone to Iraq to start with.' I've even just today been given the details of a Vietnam-era vet who is being denied treatment by the VA and left to essentially rot in an emergency room in Carteret County due to a desperate act that in reality was a cry of desperation for aid.
I try fairly hard not to get on too large of a soap box on this blog. I don't try to advance political agendas and the like. My only goal here is to cry foul when I see it, blow the whistle a bit, and try to get the game moving again as it were. This, however, needs to called what it is. It looks like bullshit, it smells like bullshit, and it is 100% Grade A, made in America, July 4th flag napkin covering up dog turd on a picnic blanket BULLSHIT and we should be ashamed of ourselves.
There is a solution, however, and I challenge all of my readers to do this in the coming week. Take a minute out of your holiday cheer and tell a solider thank you. That's all. Just start there. It's that simple. If you feel ready to move to the next level, visit a VA hospital, call a veterans service office to volunteer, or hell, just take some cookies to National Guard post for Christmas. If you really want to get creative, consider looking into and giving money or volunteering your time to a little program called the Wounded Warrior Project. They are actually doing some good and I think more of us need to be a part of it. We as a nation owe a large debt to a lot of our citizens and, as a society, I think we're starting to bounce some metaphorical checks.
Thanks for indulging me on this one kids. We are all going to benefit from the improvements to the corner of the world our military just helped to clean up. As these folks return home from a job well done, let's make sure we give them their due. To those of you lucky enough to have a veteran in your life, no matter who they are or where they served or when, take a second over the course of the holidays and tell them thank you for doing their part to ensure that we all continue to have the freedom to argue each year over who gets the drumstick at Christmas dinner.
Enjoy this last week before the holiday!
Oh yeah, as a by the way, I have a little piece of parting advice to all of you as you finish your holiday shopping up over the next few days and prepare to spend time with your family, friends, and/or Chinese restaurant of choice over the coming week. There are three items that you will not find in any store at this time of year that I have found out are actually in very high demand. I feel it's in the best interest of my readers to let you in on this information as it will save you a immense amount of stress over the next few days. First of all, every store in the continental United States is completely sold out of "I Don't Know," as in "what should we get for Uncle John's present - I Don't Know." I have a great contact in retail merchandising who assures me that the shelves will be stocked with IDK sometime around late January, just when they begin to seriously market tax prep software. Secondly is "O.F.U." Yes, the F stands for exactly what you think it does. Normal stores are already sold out but I understand it can be ordered On Demand like reruns of old HBO movies. Apparently the best way to receive an expedited order of OFU is to wish a particularly surly person Merry Christmas, as in "Merry Christmas - Oh F. You!" My understanding is that they are doing a particularly brisk business on this item in most high end car dealerships this time of year. Finally, there is one product you will not find for sale anywhere but you may actually find yourself in need of during this holiday season: "F. IT" The good news is that F. It is actually free and can be found lurking near the bottom of third drink poured at your local tavern of choice. My understanding is that it takes two drinks to be able to see the F. It clearly and then the third actually allows you to claim your prize. Be careful though as it has also been brought to my attention that F. It has been blamed for as many as seventy-five percent of all last call hook ups and two-thirds of all unintentional pregnancies.
Just a little holiday humor spun the Cynical Sarcastic way boys and girls. Have fun this week and look for another post just before Christmas!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Uncle Bubba Has Had Enough!
My youngest sister has called me 'Bubba' for most of her life. I think it started from an inability to say brother as a very small child and then evolved into a means of sibling derision as time progressed. When my niece was born the 'Uncle Bubba' jokes began and still, upon occasion, raise their head when anyone chooses to make an undefendable joke at my expense.
Well boys and girls, Uncle Bubba has officially had enough.
What have I had enough of? Well at this point in my existence I have decided to focus my ire on celebrities and their antics. To explain, I should tell you how I started my morning...
I woke up this morning and started my day as always: walking the dog, checking my email, trying in vain to jumpstart my quickly advancing on middle age central nervous system without caffeine, when a posting on CNN.com caught my attention. It would appear that Lindsay Lohan, celebrity still for God only knows why, has posed for Playboy and oh-the-horror some of the pictures have leaked out onto the internet. I'll admit, I'm male, I looked. You know, I am well aware that have the ability to be crass upon occasion. In fact, I occasionally revel in it. But this crap, well, I can't really find a nice way to put this so I'm just going to state my opinion and be done.
This moronic, pendantic, and sophomoric display of oh-God-my-career-has-gone-to-turd-so-hey-everyone-look-at-my-boobs-and-maybe-I-can-stave-off-the-inevitable-for-two-more-minutes was not worth the callouses. I mean seriously? I've seen drugged addled crack monkeys before but I never thought Heff and Co. would stoop to placing one in a high profile centerfold. Never mind, I immediately retract that statement. If they remotely followed that ideaology they'd have closed up shop around 1985.
So anyway, after my early morning shudder of revulsion and the subsequent need to go back to bed and try to pretend it was all just a very very very bad dream, my little brain started turning and I realized that I am so over the whole 'celebrity' due to bad behaviour phenomenon. It occurs to me that the only reason these idiots are even in the public eye is that WE PUT UP WITH IT! Take Princess Lohan for example. Most of us run screaming from anyone we know in our lives with a felony rap sheet as long as hers. We make snide jokes about Cousin-So-And-So with the 'little problem' that goes in and out of rehab. But let the unfortunate remnants of what used to be a fairly serviceable little Disney actress Amtrak her way through one miserable public failure and embarrassment after another and oh-dear-God can we not get enough.
I am so sick of all the Lindsays, Snookies, Kardashians, and Real Housewives of Dumbshitville that I honestly don't think I can take anymore. Why do we as a culture glorify this nonsense on such a continualy basis? It seriously makes me want to line everyone one of them up in a 1995-esque Janeanne Garofalo hangover lineup, get a big handful of powder, and take a cue from Katt Williams and slap the shit out of each one directly across their plastic surgery enhanced coke vacuum while shouting "Simple Bitch!"
And besides people, if we're going to be honest about it anyway, Brittney already pulled this crap earlier last decade and she was, at least, entertaining about it. Honestly, who hasn't had the urge to beat someone with an umbrella or two...
All I can say is maybe if we as a society stop glorifying the failings and misdeeds of others that maybe, just maybe, some of this tidal wave of offal would subside. Nah, nevermind. The second that happens Twitter would shut down and Discovery ID, A&E, and about 15 other minor cable networks would be reduced to three decent dramas and old Shamwow commercials.
To hell with it. I'm going to read a book or go outside or something.
Well boys and girls, Uncle Bubba has officially had enough.
What have I had enough of? Well at this point in my existence I have decided to focus my ire on celebrities and their antics. To explain, I should tell you how I started my morning...
I woke up this morning and started my day as always: walking the dog, checking my email, trying in vain to jumpstart my quickly advancing on middle age central nervous system without caffeine, when a posting on CNN.com caught my attention. It would appear that Lindsay Lohan, celebrity still for God only knows why, has posed for Playboy and oh-the-horror some of the pictures have leaked out onto the internet. I'll admit, I'm male, I looked. You know, I am well aware that have the ability to be crass upon occasion. In fact, I occasionally revel in it. But this crap, well, I can't really find a nice way to put this so I'm just going to state my opinion and be done.
This moronic, pendantic, and sophomoric display of oh-God-my-career-has-gone-to-turd-so-hey-everyone-look-at-my-boobs-and-maybe-I-can-stave-off-the-inevitable-for-two-more-minutes was not worth the callouses. I mean seriously? I've seen drugged addled crack monkeys before but I never thought Heff and Co. would stoop to placing one in a high profile centerfold. Never mind, I immediately retract that statement. If they remotely followed that ideaology they'd have closed up shop around 1985.
So anyway, after my early morning shudder of revulsion and the subsequent need to go back to bed and try to pretend it was all just a very very very bad dream, my little brain started turning and I realized that I am so over the whole 'celebrity' due to bad behaviour phenomenon. It occurs to me that the only reason these idiots are even in the public eye is that WE PUT UP WITH IT! Take Princess Lohan for example. Most of us run screaming from anyone we know in our lives with a felony rap sheet as long as hers. We make snide jokes about Cousin-So-And-So with the 'little problem' that goes in and out of rehab. But let the unfortunate remnants of what used to be a fairly serviceable little Disney actress Amtrak her way through one miserable public failure and embarrassment after another and oh-dear-God can we not get enough.
I am so sick of all the Lindsays, Snookies, Kardashians, and Real Housewives of Dumbshitville that I honestly don't think I can take anymore. Why do we as a culture glorify this nonsense on such a continualy basis? It seriously makes me want to line everyone one of them up in a 1995-esque Janeanne Garofalo hangover lineup, get a big handful of powder, and take a cue from Katt Williams and slap the shit out of each one directly across their plastic surgery enhanced coke vacuum while shouting "Simple Bitch!"
And besides people, if we're going to be honest about it anyway, Brittney already pulled this crap earlier last decade and she was, at least, entertaining about it. Honestly, who hasn't had the urge to beat someone with an umbrella or two...
All I can say is maybe if we as a society stop glorifying the failings and misdeeds of others that maybe, just maybe, some of this tidal wave of offal would subside. Nah, nevermind. The second that happens Twitter would shut down and Discovery ID, A&E, and about 15 other minor cable networks would be reduced to three decent dramas and old Shamwow commercials.
To hell with it. I'm going to read a book or go outside or something.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Pardon My Testosterone Count
Hello all. I'd like to start this week's post with a quick apology for the two weeks of silence. Hey, what can I say? Even the loudest among us all must occasionally take a little time for the holidays and to mourn the occasional birthday. I'll make sure that any future silences are accounted for well in advance, and thank you for the emails wondering where my next post was or when to expect it to show up.
Jeez, you'd almost think I had a fan or two. Considering I still find it almost unfathomable that anyone finds my little musings here worth reading anyway, I definitely take it as a compliment.
So without further ado...
I'd like to ask a question to mainstream American if you don't mind. Exactly when did it become a social crime to either be or behave as an alpha male? I didn't see the memo, no one let me know, hell for that matter I didn't even have a chance to shoot the carrier pigeon as it went overhead. All I know is that one day I woke up, scratched, took a few minutes to get myself together, then opened the door into a world where being the dude in charge of his personal situation was suddenly a bad thing.
What happened? Seriously!
For the purposes of this little discussion I do need to clarify one or two things. The alpha male I'm talking about here a lot of things but he is neither a bully or an abusive person. This guy is not the one who wedgied you until your legs were numb in middle school, nor is he your mom's ex-boyfriend from when you were fifteen who used to hit her when he drank too much. Those assclowns have hopefully been allowed to either see the error of their ways or been whistled out of the gene pool by now so they don't merit discussion. What I'm talking about is the old school man who could take care of things. The guy who felt obligated to take care of his family. The man who could fix things around the house. The dude other dudes looked up to. The man who stood up when things went south and handled business. The quiet badass. The stoic. The real man. See Humphry Bogart / John Wayne / Harrison Ford / etcetera for reference material.
Seriously dude, where did you get off to lately and why oh why oh why did you suddenly get such a bad rap? Why do our children all suddenly need participation trophies to protect their self esteem? Why is it such a horrible travesty for a child to protect themselves when physically assaulted by another child? Why is it so suddenly taboo to stand up for something other than the constant and consistent pussification of our culture? And for sweet baby Jesus doing eighty on a freeway's holy sake why is it suddenly so bad for a man to have an opinion and heaven forbid be willing to defend it in, gasp, public?
Well, as you might have guessed, I just happen to have a theory or two on what may have happened.
I think it all started when men as a group decided to get in touch with their emotions. You all remember the whole mid-nineties drum circles induced searches for inner growth. Then came manscaping followed by the horror that was metrosexuality. Sometime after that, okay in fairness I think it came around during that same period, men seemed to lose their drive. I don't know exactly where it happened or when but somewhere around the time Gen-X started to pop out children our social values tended to the man being the guy in the house holding down the couch in front of the Playstation instead of the person leading the charge.
BEFORE I rouse any feminist ire out there, please be assured that understand that the roles of men and women in our society have changed in the last few decades and that women are now taking more of an equal place as the breadwinners in the home due to the economy and three thousand other factors. I mean nothing to detract from that in any way. But I will take a moment to mention that even the most hardcore girl power endorser has to take pause when Women's Health magazine runs a five page article on the decline of the alpha male in our society, particularly when they note that while the change has a few benefits it's a negative in the overall.
Face it guys, we let this happen to ourselves. We lost our place as leader of the pack, figuratively and maybe literally. Do I endorse chauvenism? Not hardly. I'm not saying take it all over boys, but I am saying it just might be time to step up and actually participate enough to have an opinion in what happens in your home.
Oh yeah, and while you're at it, man up just a bit. Learn to fix the car, change that diaper, whatever works in your house and needs your attention. Hell, it's cold outside now. Grow a beard for good measure. Get your chubby butt to the gym and do something about the love handles. Chase your wife around the house like you did when you first started dating her. Play with your kids. Talk to your parents. Be a good friend. Listen when others speak.
You know, do the stuff all those men you looked up to when you were a kid did. Whether you realize it or not, someone's looking up to you right now...
Jeez, you'd almost think I had a fan or two. Considering I still find it almost unfathomable that anyone finds my little musings here worth reading anyway, I definitely take it as a compliment.
So without further ado...
I'd like to ask a question to mainstream American if you don't mind. Exactly when did it become a social crime to either be or behave as an alpha male? I didn't see the memo, no one let me know, hell for that matter I didn't even have a chance to shoot the carrier pigeon as it went overhead. All I know is that one day I woke up, scratched, took a few minutes to get myself together, then opened the door into a world where being the dude in charge of his personal situation was suddenly a bad thing.
What happened? Seriously!
For the purposes of this little discussion I do need to clarify one or two things. The alpha male I'm talking about here a lot of things but he is neither a bully or an abusive person. This guy is not the one who wedgied you until your legs were numb in middle school, nor is he your mom's ex-boyfriend from when you were fifteen who used to hit her when he drank too much. Those assclowns have hopefully been allowed to either see the error of their ways or been whistled out of the gene pool by now so they don't merit discussion. What I'm talking about is the old school man who could take care of things. The guy who felt obligated to take care of his family. The man who could fix things around the house. The dude other dudes looked up to. The man who stood up when things went south and handled business. The quiet badass. The stoic. The real man. See Humphry Bogart / John Wayne / Harrison Ford / etcetera for reference material.
Seriously dude, where did you get off to lately and why oh why oh why did you suddenly get such a bad rap? Why do our children all suddenly need participation trophies to protect their self esteem? Why is it such a horrible travesty for a child to protect themselves when physically assaulted by another child? Why is it so suddenly taboo to stand up for something other than the constant and consistent pussification of our culture? And for sweet baby Jesus doing eighty on a freeway's holy sake why is it suddenly so bad for a man to have an opinion and heaven forbid be willing to defend it in, gasp, public?
Well, as you might have guessed, I just happen to have a theory or two on what may have happened.
I think it all started when men as a group decided to get in touch with their emotions. You all remember the whole mid-nineties drum circles induced searches for inner growth. Then came manscaping followed by the horror that was metrosexuality. Sometime after that, okay in fairness I think it came around during that same period, men seemed to lose their drive. I don't know exactly where it happened or when but somewhere around the time Gen-X started to pop out children our social values tended to the man being the guy in the house holding down the couch in front of the Playstation instead of the person leading the charge.
BEFORE I rouse any feminist ire out there, please be assured that understand that the roles of men and women in our society have changed in the last few decades and that women are now taking more of an equal place as the breadwinners in the home due to the economy and three thousand other factors. I mean nothing to detract from that in any way. But I will take a moment to mention that even the most hardcore girl power endorser has to take pause when Women's Health magazine runs a five page article on the decline of the alpha male in our society, particularly when they note that while the change has a few benefits it's a negative in the overall.
Face it guys, we let this happen to ourselves. We lost our place as leader of the pack, figuratively and maybe literally. Do I endorse chauvenism? Not hardly. I'm not saying take it all over boys, but I am saying it just might be time to step up and actually participate enough to have an opinion in what happens in your home.
Oh yeah, and while you're at it, man up just a bit. Learn to fix the car, change that diaper, whatever works in your house and needs your attention. Hell, it's cold outside now. Grow a beard for good measure. Get your chubby butt to the gym and do something about the love handles. Chase your wife around the house like you did when you first started dating her. Play with your kids. Talk to your parents. Be a good friend. Listen when others speak.
You know, do the stuff all those men you looked up to when you were a kid did. Whether you realize it or not, someone's looking up to you right now...
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Black Friday and Other Societal Condundrums
(With apologies in advance to those who had outstanding input for the blog for this week... This topic needed to come first but I promise I will use the material we've all discussed for next week's piece. Thanks again!)
Well kiddies, it's that time once again. Something has annoyed me to the very fiber of my being, and yes I realize that said fiber might be slightly mud stained and tattered. Simply put, I'd like to make a request of all the retailers out there:
Quit freakin' tinkering with Black Friday already!!!
Look, I work for a quasi-retail organization. Believe it or not, for most of my adult life, Black Friday has been one of the longest days of the year for me but by the very same token it's also been one of the most fun. This is now the fourteenth year I've worked Black Friday in some capacity and at least ten of it has been at the management level. It's an awesome day. Usually that single day generates an enormous amount of sales and income and, when set up correctly and planned for appropriately, can create a successful year out of the economic doldrums all by itself. I'm even a fan of pre-sales on Wednesday night. Awesome. Right on. Let's all go make or spend that money and celebrate capitalism and consumerism in all their righteous glory.
BUT SINCE WHEN IS IT NECESSARY TO OPEN AT 10PM ON THANKSGIVING NIGHT - WAL MART - JUST TO CAPITALIZE ON A FEW MILLION EXTRA DOLLARS IN REVENUE?
Granted I understand that I just answered my own question. As long as there is some bleeding brained basket case who just received their yearly bonus check and can't wait the extra five hours until the stores open there will be some corporate pencil pusher with the audacity to say "Hey Boss, let's open seven hours earlier just for the extra couple of zeros!!"
I have but two words for Skippy from Accounting who thought this was genius finally taking a shiny shit on his desk: FUCK YOU.
I see no reason under God's green and verdant that we as a nation have allowed ourselves to become so driven to buy the perfect whatever for whomever that we have decided that it is okay to shit all over a national holiday like a lactose intolerant midget after a gallon of milk and skydiving lessons. I just don't get it. And let's not forget the employees who have to facilitate this socioeconomic capriciousness. What, did one of Sam Walton's DNA experiments decide that all of his employees must be overweight losers and just assume they didn't need to celebrate Thanksgiving with their families, eat a good meal, and maybe just chill the hell out for a day?
Like I said, I am a huge fan of the event we call Black Friday. Just keep it on Friday where it belongs and don't do any more to heap more ruin on one of the actually few cool holidays we have left.
I hope everyone enjoys their Thanksgiving and is actually able to take the time to appreciate what they are truly thankful for this year. Anyone who finds themselves stuck in my area without anything to do for the holiday this year feel free to give me a call. I'm cooking a turkey just for the heck of it. Somebody's got to eat it!
Well kiddies, it's that time once again. Something has annoyed me to the very fiber of my being, and yes I realize that said fiber might be slightly mud stained and tattered. Simply put, I'd like to make a request of all the retailers out there:
Quit freakin' tinkering with Black Friday already!!!
Look, I work for a quasi-retail organization. Believe it or not, for most of my adult life, Black Friday has been one of the longest days of the year for me but by the very same token it's also been one of the most fun. This is now the fourteenth year I've worked Black Friday in some capacity and at least ten of it has been at the management level. It's an awesome day. Usually that single day generates an enormous amount of sales and income and, when set up correctly and planned for appropriately, can create a successful year out of the economic doldrums all by itself. I'm even a fan of pre-sales on Wednesday night. Awesome. Right on. Let's all go make or spend that money and celebrate capitalism and consumerism in all their righteous glory.
BUT SINCE WHEN IS IT NECESSARY TO OPEN AT 10PM ON THANKSGIVING NIGHT - WAL MART - JUST TO CAPITALIZE ON A FEW MILLION EXTRA DOLLARS IN REVENUE?
Granted I understand that I just answered my own question. As long as there is some bleeding brained basket case who just received their yearly bonus check and can't wait the extra five hours until the stores open there will be some corporate pencil pusher with the audacity to say "Hey Boss, let's open seven hours earlier just for the extra couple of zeros!!"
I have but two words for Skippy from Accounting who thought this was genius finally taking a shiny shit on his desk: FUCK YOU.
I see no reason under God's green and verdant that we as a nation have allowed ourselves to become so driven to buy the perfect whatever for whomever that we have decided that it is okay to shit all over a national holiday like a lactose intolerant midget after a gallon of milk and skydiving lessons. I just don't get it. And let's not forget the employees who have to facilitate this socioeconomic capriciousness. What, did one of Sam Walton's DNA experiments decide that all of his employees must be overweight losers and just assume they didn't need to celebrate Thanksgiving with their families, eat a good meal, and maybe just chill the hell out for a day?
Like I said, I am a huge fan of the event we call Black Friday. Just keep it on Friday where it belongs and don't do any more to heap more ruin on one of the actually few cool holidays we have left.
I hope everyone enjoys their Thanksgiving and is actually able to take the time to appreciate what they are truly thankful for this year. Anyone who finds themselves stuck in my area without anything to do for the holiday this year feel free to give me a call. I'm cooking a turkey just for the heck of it. Somebody's got to eat it!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Faith and Religion
One of my all time without reservation idols when it comes to the expression of ideas over the last fifteen plus years is one Mr. Dennis Miller. As I wade in to the mire on my first real post for my blog, I'd like to cue up the Tears for Fears soundtrack, don a now slightly dated mid-nineties suit and open with an homage to one of the greats.
I don't want to get off on a rant here but I am so very, very tired of overtly religious people that I am ready to start volunteering to jump on the short bus to idiotville and begin committing hate crimes in alphabetical order, beginning with 'ass-kicking.'
Before I wind off any further into this diatribe I want to make sure I clarify a few things. I see a tremendous difference between people of faith and 'religious people.' My parents are people of faith. They're devout in their belief in God and have spent their lives not only living their faith but doing all they can to foster the good works of the church in their community and around the world. I also would like to clarify that this little discussion has nothing to do with one particular faith or another. My circle of friends comprises a good majority of the religious spectrum from main stream Southern Baptist to dark closet Pagan and most points in between and I have full respect for all of their beliefs. I treasure the experience of knowing these people and the richness their faith brings to them both as an individual and member of our collective community.
Where I start losing respect and start gaining vehement, full-on, eight-and-a-half-foot tall and covered in bad shag carpeting rabid Wookie-esque rage is when I get confronted with some holier than thou ass clown who gets a sense of entitlement from where they spend their collective Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. Well, that and Scientologists, but they don't inspire rage as much as I just don't get it. I've tried but I just don't get it. Nothing about me will ever be 'clear,' so take your audit and go sit in the corner and play with your amulet made from L. Ron's ashes and leave me the hell alone.
I have lived in the south all of my life. I consider myself to be very blue collar in work ethic and sensibility with a college education thrown in for good measure. I work on a daily basis with people of, on some days literally, almost the entire spectrum of socioeconomic classes. I can start the day dealing with someone just released from prison and trying to restart their life and the very next phone call can be from a representative from a national company. I consider one of the perks of my day job to be that I get to talk to, quite literally, a wide freakin' swath of everybody. I live and work in the Raleigh metropolitan area which is as wide a cross section of cultures as you can imagine in microcasm without having to travel to more multinational destinations such as New York, Atlanta, Los Angeles, etcetera.
Out of all of those people from all of those places, why is it that I seem to find myself dead center bullseye in the crosshair of at least one butt nuggett a day who wants to use the fact that they spend two hours a week semi-sober and in what used to pass for nice clothes as justification for whatever malfeasance they have chosen to commit?
I'll even provide an example for those who think I may just be exaggerating in the slightest. A few days ago I was dealing with a gentleman over the phone and we came down on opposite sides of a financial discussion regarding his dealings with my employer. When the discussion did not go his way and he was faced with an adverse outcome he proceeded to inform me that he was going to pray that God would judge me for being such a cold and unfeeling person. Granted I had to remain professional at the time but I've got to admit that even though it's not my personal belief in any way I wanted to stop the conversation and ask the man if what he meant was that he was going to tattle on me to his imaginary friend and get me in trouble. Really? You're going to 'tell God on me?' Isn't God, in whatever form you choose to believe in, at the most basic omniscient you reprobative piece of crotch offal? Doesn't he already know this anyway you obviously ignorant pile of regret from your mother's misspent youth? Seriously?
And the saddest part of all of it is that the worst offenders in this are members of the clergy. I won't drag anyone out in the open here as I do have enormous respect for those members of the clergy who live as they should as true shepherds of their flock. I will just simply leave it at these three points regarding the errant members of their ilk: (1) The collection plate is not to be used to pay for your personal bills. That's why the church cuts you a paycheck. God hates thieves or did you already forget the ten commandments? (2) Sleeping with your parishoners is not ministering to them. It's being a horny little dick wad. Widows/widowers are not your private dating pool. Be the respectable leader the church pays you to be. (3) They're little boys (and girls) you disgusting pedophile. Just because a priest did it to you last decade/week doesn't mean it's okay to continue the cycle. 'But the Monsignor did it to me' is not a defensible position, so cut it the hell out, hang yourself with your own robes and quit using decent people's oxygen.
Look people, all I'm asking for here are two simple things: cut out the hypocrisy and just be honest. On bended knee in front of a bar, toilet, or prostitute on Saturday night and then in the same position Sunday morning just is not going to get it people. It's just not. Neither is preaching for donations on television and then using that money to pay for your wife's eyelash extensions. And neither is feeling the need for speed and dancing around in your tightie whities and a dress shirt one minute then becoming a Thetan, preaching the evil the aliens did to us all and making Valkyrie the next. Sorry Mr. Cruise, but you sorta had that one coming.
And to conclude the homage, that's my opinion, I could, and at least in someone's opinion will burn in hell for doing so, be very wrong. Thank you and good night.
I don't want to get off on a rant here but I am so very, very tired of overtly religious people that I am ready to start volunteering to jump on the short bus to idiotville and begin committing hate crimes in alphabetical order, beginning with 'ass-kicking.'
Before I wind off any further into this diatribe I want to make sure I clarify a few things. I see a tremendous difference between people of faith and 'religious people.' My parents are people of faith. They're devout in their belief in God and have spent their lives not only living their faith but doing all they can to foster the good works of the church in their community and around the world. I also would like to clarify that this little discussion has nothing to do with one particular faith or another. My circle of friends comprises a good majority of the religious spectrum from main stream Southern Baptist to dark closet Pagan and most points in between and I have full respect for all of their beliefs. I treasure the experience of knowing these people and the richness their faith brings to them both as an individual and member of our collective community.
Where I start losing respect and start gaining vehement, full-on, eight-and-a-half-foot tall and covered in bad shag carpeting rabid Wookie-esque rage is when I get confronted with some holier than thou ass clown who gets a sense of entitlement from where they spend their collective Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. Well, that and Scientologists, but they don't inspire rage as much as I just don't get it. I've tried but I just don't get it. Nothing about me will ever be 'clear,' so take your audit and go sit in the corner and play with your amulet made from L. Ron's ashes and leave me the hell alone.
I have lived in the south all of my life. I consider myself to be very blue collar in work ethic and sensibility with a college education thrown in for good measure. I work on a daily basis with people of, on some days literally, almost the entire spectrum of socioeconomic classes. I can start the day dealing with someone just released from prison and trying to restart their life and the very next phone call can be from a representative from a national company. I consider one of the perks of my day job to be that I get to talk to, quite literally, a wide freakin' swath of everybody. I live and work in the Raleigh metropolitan area which is as wide a cross section of cultures as you can imagine in microcasm without having to travel to more multinational destinations such as New York, Atlanta, Los Angeles, etcetera.
Out of all of those people from all of those places, why is it that I seem to find myself dead center bullseye in the crosshair of at least one butt nuggett a day who wants to use the fact that they spend two hours a week semi-sober and in what used to pass for nice clothes as justification for whatever malfeasance they have chosen to commit?
I'll even provide an example for those who think I may just be exaggerating in the slightest. A few days ago I was dealing with a gentleman over the phone and we came down on opposite sides of a financial discussion regarding his dealings with my employer. When the discussion did not go his way and he was faced with an adverse outcome he proceeded to inform me that he was going to pray that God would judge me for being such a cold and unfeeling person. Granted I had to remain professional at the time but I've got to admit that even though it's not my personal belief in any way I wanted to stop the conversation and ask the man if what he meant was that he was going to tattle on me to his imaginary friend and get me in trouble. Really? You're going to 'tell God on me?' Isn't God, in whatever form you choose to believe in, at the most basic omniscient you reprobative piece of crotch offal? Doesn't he already know this anyway you obviously ignorant pile of regret from your mother's misspent youth? Seriously?
And the saddest part of all of it is that the worst offenders in this are members of the clergy. I won't drag anyone out in the open here as I do have enormous respect for those members of the clergy who live as they should as true shepherds of their flock. I will just simply leave it at these three points regarding the errant members of their ilk: (1) The collection plate is not to be used to pay for your personal bills. That's why the church cuts you a paycheck. God hates thieves or did you already forget the ten commandments? (2) Sleeping with your parishoners is not ministering to them. It's being a horny little dick wad. Widows/widowers are not your private dating pool. Be the respectable leader the church pays you to be. (3) They're little boys (and girls) you disgusting pedophile. Just because a priest did it to you last decade/week doesn't mean it's okay to continue the cycle. 'But the Monsignor did it to me' is not a defensible position, so cut it the hell out, hang yourself with your own robes and quit using decent people's oxygen.
Look people, all I'm asking for here are two simple things: cut out the hypocrisy and just be honest. On bended knee in front of a bar, toilet, or prostitute on Saturday night and then in the same position Sunday morning just is not going to get it people. It's just not. Neither is preaching for donations on television and then using that money to pay for your wife's eyelash extensions. And neither is feeling the need for speed and dancing around in your tightie whities and a dress shirt one minute then becoming a Thetan, preaching the evil the aliens did to us all and making Valkyrie the next. Sorry Mr. Cruise, but you sorta had that one coming.
And to conclude the homage, that's my opinion, I could, and at least in someone's opinion will burn in hell for doing so, be very wrong. Thank you and good night.
Tentative Publication Schedule
As I mentioned in the first post for the blog, I am also a fiction writer. The following is a brief list of my ongoing projects and, for now, approximate scheduled release dates. As always these dates are tentative for a reason but at least by putting it out there I'll keep myself in gear and get them done.
1) The Bounce at the Bottom, targeted for Q1 2012 (updated 2/10)
2) By Design (working title), targeted for late Q2 to early Q3 2012
3) Hurricane Carolina, targeted late 2012
4) The Shadow of Death (working title), targeted late 2012 early 2013
I will post updates and links to Amazon and B&N sites once the work becomes available.
1) The Bounce at the Bottom, targeted for Q1 2012 (updated 2/10)
2) By Design (working title), targeted for late Q2 to early Q3 2012
3) Hurricane Carolina, targeted late 2012
4) The Shadow of Death (working title), targeted late 2012 early 2013
I will post updates and links to Amazon and B&N sites once the work becomes available.
Opening Lines
Welcome to the long awaited, at least by the one very patient person following this blog so far, first post for The Cynical Sarcastic.
I won't go into a long self-indulgent diatribe about who I am and what this is all about before we get started. I'll stick with a much shorter one and save the self-indulgence for actual face to face conversations where it's much more fun anyway.
My name is Brian. I'm a Raleigh, North Carolina native. I am a writer by passion and a business manager by trade. One of these days I'm hoping to make the transition to making my passion my trade but, as we all know, these things take time. I am in the progress of publishing several pieces of fiction and, if you should be so inclined, there will be a separate post on this blog that will list release dates, schedules for public ridicule and the like.
Now that we've got the obligatory front-loading accomplished, let's get on with the business at hand, shall we? Namely, why on God's green and verdant Earth do I have the audacity to foist a blog out on the unassuming public? Well, it's actually pretty simple. I have two basic personality flaws, well okay to be honest two among a host of them but really the only two I can do anything about in public without fines or therapy bills. First and foremost I have an opinion. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how long you let me go on about it, I tend to have an opinion on a pretty wide range of subject matter. Secondly and probably the more relevant reason to this endeavor, I have been told that I have a rather unique way of looking at things that tends to flavor said opinions.
So for better or worse, richer or poorer, strange or twisted, and hopefully not rambling or nonsensical, (and to finally shut up those who have been pestering me to do this) welcome to my little slice of how I see the world. I welcome all posts, opinions, comments and criticisms. I promise I will do my best to offend everyone equally but at the same time I will do my best to try to offer up a little nugget of truth here and there at the same time.
Essentially, welcome to my brain people. Wipe your feet, you're welcome to the fridge, please put the books back on the bookshelf when you're done, don't touch my remote, and mind the bullshit. It's literally everywhere in here people and it will ruin your shoes.
I won't go into a long self-indulgent diatribe about who I am and what this is all about before we get started. I'll stick with a much shorter one and save the self-indulgence for actual face to face conversations where it's much more fun anyway.
My name is Brian. I'm a Raleigh, North Carolina native. I am a writer by passion and a business manager by trade. One of these days I'm hoping to make the transition to making my passion my trade but, as we all know, these things take time. I am in the progress of publishing several pieces of fiction and, if you should be so inclined, there will be a separate post on this blog that will list release dates, schedules for public ridicule and the like.
Now that we've got the obligatory front-loading accomplished, let's get on with the business at hand, shall we? Namely, why on God's green and verdant Earth do I have the audacity to foist a blog out on the unassuming public? Well, it's actually pretty simple. I have two basic personality flaws, well okay to be honest two among a host of them but really the only two I can do anything about in public without fines or therapy bills. First and foremost I have an opinion. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how long you let me go on about it, I tend to have an opinion on a pretty wide range of subject matter. Secondly and probably the more relevant reason to this endeavor, I have been told that I have a rather unique way of looking at things that tends to flavor said opinions.
So for better or worse, richer or poorer, strange or twisted, and hopefully not rambling or nonsensical, (and to finally shut up those who have been pestering me to do this) welcome to my little slice of how I see the world. I welcome all posts, opinions, comments and criticisms. I promise I will do my best to offend everyone equally but at the same time I will do my best to try to offer up a little nugget of truth here and there at the same time.
Essentially, welcome to my brain people. Wipe your feet, you're welcome to the fridge, please put the books back on the bookshelf when you're done, don't touch my remote, and mind the bullshit. It's literally everywhere in here people and it will ruin your shoes.
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