Thursday, August 22, 2013

Rest In Peace Elmore Leonard

Elmore Leonard, one of my favorite authors, passed away Tuesday at the age of 87.  If you're not familiar with his work I would hazard the guess that you've either seen or read something of his and just not realized it was his to start with.  Instead of some long winded diatribe about how much his work meant to me as a writer in the decade since I was first exposed to it, I'd instead like to share his 10 Rules for Great Writing.  The following is copied from a Detroit Free Press article in which Mr. Leonard discusses his 10 Rules.  Even if you're not a writer, I think it's still worth a quick read.  RIP Sir.

1. Never open a book with weather.

If it's only to create atmosphere, and not a character's reaction to the weather, you don't want to go on too long. The reader is apt to leaf ahead looking for people. There are exceptions. If you happen to be Barry Lopez, who has more ways to describe ice and snow than an Eskimo, you can do all the weather reporting you want.

2. Avoid prologues.

They can be annoying, especially a prologue following an introduction that comes after a foreword. But these are ordinarily found in nonfiction. A prologue in a novel is backstory, and you can drop it in anywhere you want. There is a prologue in John Steinbeck's "Sweet Thursday," but it's O.K. because a character in the book makes the point of what my rules are all about. He says: "I like a lot of talk in a book and I don't like to have nobody tell me what the guy that's talking looks like. I want to figure out what he looks like from the way he talks. . . . figure out what the guy's thinking from what he says. I like some description but not too much of that. . . . Sometimes I want a book to break loose with a bunch of hooptedoodle. . . . Spin up some pretty words maybe or sing a little song with language. That's nice. But I wish it was set aside so I don't have to read it. I don't want hooptedoodle to get mixed up with the story."

3. Never use a verb other than "said" to carry dialogue.

The line of dialogue belongs to the character; the verb is the writer sticking his nose in. But said is far less intrusive than grumbled, gasped, cautioned, lied. I once noticed Mary McCarthy ending a line of dialogue with "she asseverated," and had to stop reading to get the dictionary.

4. Never use an adverb to modify the verb "said" . . .

. . . he admonished gravely. To use an adverb this way (or almost any way) is a mortal sin. The writer is now exposing himself in earnest, using a word that distracts and can interrupt the rhythm of the exchange. I have a character in one of my books tell how she used to write historical romances "full of rape and adverbs."

5. Keep your exclamation points under control.

You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose. If you have the knack of playing with exclaimers the way Tom Wolfe does, you can throw them in by the handful.

6. Never use the words "suddenly" or "all hell broke loose."

This rule doesn't require an explanation. I have noticed that writers who use "suddenly" tend to exercise less control in the application of exclamation points.

7. Use regional dialect, patois, sparingly.

Once you start spelling words in dialogue phonetically and loading the page with apostrophes, you won't be able to stop. Notice the way Annie Proulx captures the flavor of Wyoming voices in her book of short stories "Close Range."

8. Avoid detailed descriptions of characters.

Which Steinbeck covered. In Ernest Hemingway's "Hills Like White Elephants" what do the "American and the girl with him" look like? "She had taken off her hat and put it on the table." That's the only reference to a physical description in the story, and yet we see the couple and know them by their tones of voice, with not one adverb in sight.

9. Don't go into great detail describing places and things.

Unless you're Margaret Atwood and can paint scenes with language or write landscapes in the style of Jim Harrison. But even if you're good at it, you don't want descriptions that bring the action, the flow of the story, to a standstill.
And finally:

10. Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.

A rule that came to mind in 1983. Think of what you skip reading a novel: thick paragraphs of prose you can see have too many words in them. What the writer is doing, he's writing, perpetrating hooptedoodle, perhaps taking another shot at the weather, or has gone into the character's head, and the reader either knows what the guy's thinking or doesn't care. I'll bet you don't skip dialogue.
My most important rule is one that sums up the 10.
If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it.
Or, if proper usage gets in the way, it may have to go. I can't allow what we learned in English composition to disrupt the sound and rhythm of the narrative. It's my attempt to remain invisible, not distract the reader from the story with obvious writing. (Joseph Conrad said something about words getting in the way of what you want to say.)
If I write in scenes and always from the point of view of a particular character -- the one whose view best brings the scene to life -- I'm able to concentrate on the voices of the characters telling you who they are and how they feel about what they see and what's going on, and I'm nowhere in sight.
What Steinbeck did in "Sweet Thursday" was title his chapters as an indication, though obscure, of what they cover. "Whom the Gods Love They Drive Nuts" is one, "Lousy Wednesday" another. The third chapter is titled "Hooptedoodle 1" and the 38th chapter "Hooptedoodle 2" as warnings to the reader, as if Steinbeck is saying: "Here's where you'll see me taking flights of fancy with my writing, and it won't get in the way of the story. Skip them if you want."

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

To All The Skinnies Out There

I'd like to dedicate this little piece of rabid, vehement diatribe to all of you overly skinny people out there in the world who seem to feel a sense of entitlement regarding your body condition.

For the rest of you, let's put it this way.  Back a decade ago when I worked for T-Mobile a close friend and I used to make good use of the play dough they'd put out on the desks to keep our hands busy during meetings by creating a stupid button that we'd take turns slapping when the speaker was being a dipshit.  Immature and disruptive? Highly, but hey that's how we rolled. So in that vein I would encourage you all to steal some play dough from the kids, form a big ol' pseudo-Staples-easy-button, and gouge the letters NSFW in the top of it.

Now slap the shit outta that bastard cause this post is DEFINITIVELY not suitable for mature adult consumption, let alone work!

Go ahead, I'll wait...

Don't mind me.

Dammit isn't anyone gonna play along?

Fine, your funeral.

First of all I'd like to forward a great big shiny heaping helping of GO FUCK YOURSELF to all the entitled skinny people out there who feel you are better than someone else due to your body fat percentage.  Go anally dry fuck yourself with the stick of your choice, pull it out lovingly, and continue doing strip-aerobics on it until you no longer notice the smell you flaming douche nozzles.

Look, I get the idea of taking care of yourself and I'm all for it.  Hell, I'm in the gym three hours a day three days a week pursuing my goals as a powerlifter.  I'm stronger now than I've ever been in my life.  If you're doing what you do to take care of your body and reach your goals for personal well-being and what not, by all means go forward with my blessings boo-boo.

However, if you find some sense of "better-than-thou" over the fact you've only eating yogurt today to maintain your waistline, you're a shit head.  Unless you're Jeffrey Donovan (Michael Weston off of Burn Notice), in which case you're a badass and you're excused sir.  I am sick to ass raping hell of these obnoxious ass skinny shits who feel that they are somehow more worthy to suck down God's good oxygen because they fit into skinny jeans.  First of all cock nugget, I've got news for you: the only guys that can fit skinny jeans are anorexic little fucks with no substantial dick to speak of so please sit the fuck down and hire a wardrobe consultant. Bitch.

You may be wondering why I'm a little tender over this subject.  After all I could really give a pile of duck shit what others think of me in the real world.  I'm riled up over this because I've officially had my fill of looks and off hand comments.  To give you an example, I went into the convenient store near my job during lunch today to pick up some Monster Muscle....

STOP... QUICK FREE ADVERTISING PAUSE FOR THE LIQUID AWESOMENESS IN A CAN THAT IS MONSTER MUSCLE CHOCOLATE.  IF YOU CONSUME PROTEIN FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN SEXUAL ACTIVITIES THAT USUALLY ONLY HAPPEN ON SOMEONE'S BIRTHDAY, YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO TRY THIS STUFF AS SOON AS YOU FINISH READING THIS COLUMN!


SORRY I DRINK SO MUCH OF THIS STUFF I FIGURED I MIGHT AS WELL PIMP FOR IT.

Moving on... so I went into the convenient store to purchase said heaven in a can and stood in line behind some mid-twenties little princess who mentioned to her boyfriend that if he didn't stop eating all the junk food he was going to get fat like the guy behind them.  Meaning me.  Little dude, all five-five buck thirty of him, turns to face me and I give him my best "I'm going to crush you, drag your girl out of here by her hair and flip your smug little Smart 4-2 over on her head" look.  He made her put her bottle of water on the floor and leave post haste.  I felt justice had been served.

Hey, people are shitheads.  I know this.  I'm just as much one on a random basis as everyone else is.  But what just kills me is that while I may still weigh three bills and have some tummy, the little twat monkey had no right to just out and out assume I'm some Twinkie chowing pig who walks around with my own personal gravy boat while she stands there conveniently and completely engulfed in my shadow.  It's been a long time since I've wished a really sloppy, gooey yeast infection on anyone but I swear I hope that little turd wakes up one fine morning soon with her panties full of biscuit dough! And people wonder why I hate smurfs...

The fact is that people who choose to carry some extra are not uncommon in the gym.  The majority are powerlifters.  Not of all us have come to embrace the fact that you can be strong as shit and lean at the same time (yes Ben, we know it can be done we just don't have your will power).  I really wonder sometimes if some of these starved cardio-wonders have ever taken the time to realize that all that running and calorie-control-taken-to-extremes is actually damaging their bodies far worse than anything I'm doing picking up twice my body weight and smiling at their silly asses?

So am I really just sad to be a little chubby and had my tenders hurt by some mean little thing only to run home and profanely spew all over my blog?  Well maybe but that's sort of my thing.  Actually I'm pretty comfortable with what I'm hauling around until it comes to those god forsaken pieces of diabolical machination called pullups, then I'm a fat shit who needs to put down the donuts! In all seriousness though, it's not the comments that piss me off, it's the sense that some of these ass-clowns run around with that they're skinny and are therefore automatically better than all others.

And here's an object lesson to all those pretty little bastards out there who are so proud of their abs.  Abs aren't sexy brother. They may help get you to the bedroom once, but having the strength to pick your woman up and carry in there yourself will get you invited back!

Now if you'll pardon me I need to go ingest a protein shake, some bacon, and a couple of Tastee Cakes with Hershey's syrup before bed.  Oh yeah and skinny bitch, while you're home trying to cure that baking bread smell coming from your fuck hole you're dealing with (if my wish came true), I'll be sleeping happily next to my wife who loves me just the oversized furry beastly sasquatch/grizzly bear/silverback gorrilla hybrid way I am. So tell your vibrator goodnight for me you deeply unhappy and clueless piece of fake blonde arm candy.  Hopefully you'll still feel pretty next week after he's used you for Spider Man target practice and is therefore now done with your simple ass and dumps you for your sister. Or your dad, take your pick.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Musings on Muses

Happy Sunday / Monday kids!  I hope everyone is having an outstanding weekend.

Before I get to the topic for today's post, I'd like to pose a quick question to the universe: I wonder if the mega-successful writers of the world, you know the Pattersons, Sparks, Kings, James' and the like, have issues with temperamental weed-eaters?  For some reason I think it would do my heart good to know that somewhere out there Stephen King is ready to go all Misery on an uncooperative string trimmer at some point.  You know, just go straight up sledge hammer and wood block on it. I know, I know.  Deep breaths and happy thoughts...

Moving on...

Last July I posted a somewhat limited discussion of the topic of muses.  While I don't necessarily care for retreading already stomped ground, I did receive an email this week that brought my mind back around to the topic.  The email posed a basic question: are muses worth it with all the drama they inevitably cause?

Well, let me adjust my chair, crack all my fingers obnoxiously, and wade right on in to this one.

The answer, in a word, is ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY!

The lady who wrote this email is a friend who is just getting out of an overtly intense relationship with a man who, to hear her tell it, had the ability to ring brilliance from her with each orgasm. While she may have a flair for the overdramatic, her point was that since the end of that relationship she has a fair amount of difficulty putting words to paper. This has left her wondering if the whole mess was worthwhile.

For those of you that have followed the blog for a while, you know that I've complained a lot over the course of the last year or so about having difficulty with my third novel, Hurricane Carolina.  In a nutshell, I had a good story at the center of the novel but wasn't able to make it "work" as it were.  The book felt like a candy bar without the chocolate shell, essentially all fluffy nougat with nothing holding it together. I initially blamed it on the fact that nothing was really inspiring me at the time.  Over time, however, I had to go back to the well like any good hack and start drawing on personal experiences to try to find something to use as the "glue" for my story. What I found was not only a good idea but also a little bit of personal insight.

People come in and out of our lives all the time. Sometimes these relationships are merely trivial acquaintances but sometimes they have dramatic impacts on us.  Occasionally, at least in my humble opinion, a relationship between two people can become so impacting that it actually changes both of them to the core of their beings.  It's my opinion that these relationships are the ones that scribblers like myself draw upon for inspiration both during and after their time with that other person in their lives.  For my friend, her trouble is now found in the absence of that relationship that provided her such marvelous insight.  My advice to her would be to mourn the loss but not focus on its absence. Use the memory of that passion to continue your own inspiration.

My own issue with inspiration from the "lack" of a muse came about after realizing that the impact of the last person who really inspired me was fading.  That person's influence and impact wasn't really felt in my life anymore.  We'd moved on with life like everyone does.  It happens. The problem was that this rich and fertile ground that I'd been able to harvest ideas from was no longer being nourished, so to speak, and was starting to go fallow.  And that's when the idea hit me...

I was able to take that loss of inspiration and turn it into a frame for my story.  Instead of just a simple damaged boy meets damaged girl tale, I was able to turn it into a story of what happens when a person gains and then loses a relationship that affects them so deeply that it takes years after it ends for its impact to fade and what the repercussions are from that fading.  Hey, what can I say, sometimes when you live it you have to find a way to make it work for you.

Are muses worthwhile.  Definitely.  Do you need one as a writer... well hey, even fictional ones need a little help every now and again.  Need an example?  Paging Hank Moody...

Have a great Monday boys and girls.  Talk to you in a bit!



Tuesday, August 13, 2013

When Common Sense and Politics Collide: Film At 11

How y'all doin' tonight kids?

Contrary to popular (and probably deserved) opinion, no, I haven't abandoned all of you just quite yet and disappeared into the ether.  It's been a crazy month, what can I tell ya.

One of the reasons I've stayed quiet a little longer than usual as of late was that I had to make a decision on whether or not to comment on the whole Trayvon Martin court decision and the almost immediately blooming shit storm that took root thereafter.  I had a response prepared and was ready with my very strongly worded opinion when I had a short Facebook conversation with an old high school friend.  We were on very different sides of the fence on that issue but we both felt the same way:  at its core the entire event was a significant tragedy for all involved. Thank you for the course correction Mr. Watson, it didn't fall on deaf ears.  I then made the decision just to step away from the subject and allow the talking heads their time in the sun (or moon or rain or whatever as the case may have been).  One more overgrown white guy with an opinion on the topic of misapplied racism in this country ain't gonna do nothin' more than piss someone else off and during that time it just wasn't needed.

So what's got me back to the keyboard, ready to bitch, moan, whine, pout, and otherwise just make an ass of myself as usual?  Well first and foremost I missed getting the chance to rant and rave and pass ideas back and forth with you all.  And secondly, well...

Let's just say I turned on the car radio this morning on the way into the local talk station for my regular Tuesday morning segment, heard the news, and damn near lost my shit in the middle of Highway 24!

The sudden near-bowel-loosening came from a news segment that stated that the ACLU, the NAACP, the Justice Department, and I'm not sure but maybe even the Super Friends were going to take legal action against North Carolina to challenge our newly minted voting laws.

Kids, there are times where What The Fuck just doesn't cover it.

And this, if you'll pardon the vernacular, be one of those times.

I'm trying not to be narrow minded about this and I've attempted to see both sides of the issue.  I really have, but I am having one hell of a time.  I wish someone can reasonably explain to me how requiring pre-registration by 24 hours and having a state issued photo ID as proof of residency is discriminatory or anti-voting rights?  I mean come the hell on people.  There is an election coming up in 2016 to get Captain Socialism et. al. out of office.  Last I checked it's August of 2013.  You mean to tell me that even the straight party ticket voting political overachievers who actually vote in the mid-term elections can't get their shit together and get a current ID by then? I mean for chrissakes we're about to start drug testing for WELFARE and that requires a state issued ID.  We're not even handing out pee cups to vote.  You can (and apparently a lot of folks were) be just as high as you'd care to be and still cast your vote.  Just have picture ID.  See, it's not that bad.

Look, let's make this simple.  To purchase a handgun in our great state you need a state issued ID to get a permit and have to pass a background check to prove you're not a felon or insane.  

Take a good look at the wreck our country is in and tell me that a vote might not be just as dangerous...

But hey, that's just my opinion and I could be... 

No you know what?

Screw it! On this one I'm just right!