Saturday, October 27, 2012

What Do You Do With Crap? - Friday Mail Call

This week's email was about as straightforward as it gets.
 
Brian - I'm just starting out as a writer.  I was wondering what your advice would be regarding stuff I write that I hate or that I think is crap. Is there a reason I should save it? -Allen
 
My advice is really simple: save it!  When it comes to what is and is not crap out of what I write, I am the world's absolute worst judge. I'm overtly critical of anything I write, sometimes to the point that I'm tempted to pitch something that's probably worthwhile just because I'm frustrated with it, the story seems to be fighting me, or I'm just bitchy in general. There's no real way to explain it. 

Over the years I have learned that the best thing to do with the stuff that you write is to just hoard all of it. Throughout the last year I've been stuck several times on a project and went back to the old idea file (aka the dump bin) and found some part or piece or whatever that I wrote a month, a year, or a decade ago and been able to use it to get over the hump.

The other thing I would strongly advise you to do Allen is to become part of a writer's group.  Peer review is absolutely essential to what we do, even more so if you're a self published author.  Truth be told, I would have totally ditched the short story I used as a starter for Bounce had it not been for the writer's group I was involved in at the time.  They had the good sense to convince me that not only had I written something worth while but that the short had a lot of mileage in it that was worth expanding upon.  If I hadn't had that resource available the story wouldn't have been written to start with and there wouldn't have been a premise for the novella.

Well, that's all for this week's mail call.  Stay tuned over the next week for more Cynical Sarcastic and the Halloween short story!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Mail Call, Sort Of

Yes, yes.  I know I'm late getting Friday's Mail Call posted for this week. 

I suck as a human being, I'm aware, let's move on.
 
This week's question / cry for help I believe had to do with generating a plot.  I'll apologize to the individual who wrote in with the question because it was (a) from an anonymous address and almost didn't get read, (b) wasn't signed, and (c) was a bit garbled and hard to decipher.  I'm hoping it was just a function of an email glitch so please feel free to send it over again if I've misinterpreted.  If it's not a function of misinterpretation, well, I guess the only way to put this is that it's infinitely easier to respond to a question when it's presented succinctly and clearly.  No offense intended.  AutoCorrect may make all of us her bitch from time to time but the chica is ultimately useful and stuff, you know?
 
The gist of the message was that this individual has created an awesome character that they feel would be a great anchor for a story but isn't sure how to craft it.  Well, all I can really say in response first and foremost is welcome to being a writer!  Crafting your narrative is, for a lot of us, the hardest part of all of it.  (For some it's typing, which is apparently my problem today as well. Maybe I should just go back to two fingers...)

Okay, first of all we're going to assume that your character is just as awesome as you feel they are.  Cool.  The question is, how did they get that way? I'd wager a nickel or so that you probably dreamed up something for them to do along the way that proved that awesomeness.  Dance monkey dance sort of has its uses, if you get my drift.  Well, that event that causes said awesomeness is as good a place as any to start.  Look, I foisted an entire novella on the world based on an idea about a guy getting dumped by his wife and invited to a bad Halloween party on the same day.  What do I know?

My point, if you haven't guessed it by now, is that in my opinion you can't really develop the character fully without the plot.  You've probably got some great starter ideas for this dude / dudette / otherwise entertaining entity but you're going to need to get something moving for them to prove themselves to you as a character.  I still swear by the "shadow box" idea.  Take a couple of newly created characters, make up a scene, throw them in and watch what happens. (Apply alcohol as needed). You'd be amazed what will just show up sometimes. Where else do you think I came up with a cat with an inappropriate licking issue? Just sayin'...

Have a great weekend all.  By the way, I reposted "I Remember You" on the side bar of the blog for those that were having trouble finding it.  You'll also be able to find "Tell Me Everything" in the same place when it releases next week!

Laters (God it must be late...)

Thursday, October 18, 2012

An Announcement


As a little treat for Halloween this year, I'm taking my first foray into the horror genre with a short story that will be published exclusively on The Cynical Sarcastic.
 
Look for "Tell Me Everything" to be released on or before October 28, 2012.
 
 

The Kindest Unfriend

Well, it's been one of those special kinda weeks so far boys and girls and even though it's only Thursday I'm irritated enough for it to be severely wishing it was 5 o'clock somewhere.
 
Today's rant is brought to you by all the moronic buckets of claptrap that choose to live their lives through Facebook, other social media, and text messaging rather than engaging in actual face to face conversations with actual live people and the dysfunction they seem to feel is okay to spread about the Internet like grass seed on a pretty spring day.
 
Kids, the simple fact is that I am (at least somewhat on most days) an adult. I have my life and bills to pay and all that other fun shit and I have absolutely zero tolerance for those who like to cause, air, and share drama with the rest of the world.  I got irritated the other night with the sheer amount of petulant child-esque b.s. being thrown around on Facebook regarding the presidential debates and actually started to pay attention to the people guilty of all the nonsense.  Interestingly enough, the same people choosing to call others names and behave like little baby boys with the tip of their built in worry stone covered in recycled strained peas were the same ones who usually spew vehement and odorous bullshit on a regular basis.  I thought about just completely unfriending these douchebags then it occurred to me: WAIT MORON, you use Facebook to advertise for your work as well. Do you really want to shut off potential readers just because you can't stand their ass?  Thankfully it turns out that if you have a fan page on Facebook (I do, not sure why but I do) you can actually shuttle friends over to it instead of outright deleting them. And suddenly my friend count dropped from nearly 250 to roughly 130 and we'll proceed with the day from there.
 
People, I've made it pretty clear on a few occasions that I want to stay out of the political discussion, at least online. I've not made a secret out of the fact that I wouldn't trust our current president with the fry machine at McDonald's, let alone the economy, but that's solely my opinion and I hope you have one of your own.  All I want to say publicly is that I hope everyone votes on November 6th and votes from an informed and intelligent position. Also, if you're going to debate politics, keep it friggin civil people.  Some of the best political discussions I've been involved in lately have occurred at the gym among a group of men within whom the smallest individual weighs 260 pounds.  My point is that if anywhere from a half ton to a ton of rage addled iron monkeys can carry on civil discourse then why the hell can't a bunch of 150 pounders?  Does life really look that different on the other side of the insurmountable force / immovable object equation?
 
Enough with politics, I've got another axe to finely sharpen on the remnants of someone else's spinal column.  Folks, we've all had friends go through messy breakups of their relationships and, as we all know, the crap tends to spill out online to social media because some people just can't keep personal shit to themselves.  We've all seen it, rolled our eyes, and moved on if possible.  What just galls me to no end, however, if when one of the "wronged" parties decides to start making threats online for the whole world to see.  There's stupid and then there's just that.  As a prime example I just had a friend tell me the other day that his ex was accusing him of "talking shit" and that he was going to "catch a bullet." I thought to myself - nah, he's exaggerating, no one's that stupid. I really hate it when I'm wrong for there it was in glorious black and white.  I called an attorney friend of mine and found out that there's enough just in that crap to take civil if not criminal action.  Who in their right mind stoops to that level of black belt wank tard stupidity? According to my friend-at-law, apparently more and more people on a daily basis. 
 
We've talked before on the C.S. that we seem to live in a world with fewer and fewer real consequences for stupidity.  Therefore, I'm proposing one today. I'm encouraging everyone to take a really hard look at their lives and locate those individuals that you have no idea why you still waste time on and just let them go quietly into that good night.  Our lives are too short to continue to voluntarily poison ourselves with someone else's drama and nonsense, so why the hell do we?  Are we so very bored with everything else in our lives that we have to espouse someone else's banality? I know it may not be the easiest thing to do.  Speaking from personal experience, I had to cut loose of a number of people that I'd always thought of as good friends just over a decade ago.  Their meddling and intrusiveness in my life, which I had always seen as sort of mentoring, turned out to be little more than controlling bullshit and it was fast on the way to ruining my world.  It was tough but a decade later I have to say it was one of the best calls I've ever made.  I'd be willing to bet that if you took a minute and were really honest with yourself, your social hedge could use a little pruning as well. 
 
Wait, why is my friend's list on Facebook suddenly down to 10? 

Friday, October 5, 2012

Friday Mail Call

Well now that I'm hopefully back in the swing of things here on the CS, I have a couple of emails that I wanted to respond to this week.  All three are about the writing process and even though a few may rehash a little info from here and there, I thought they were definitely worth putting out there for everyone. 
 
And here we go...
 
Brian, I'm writing my first novel and I have some really great characters created.  I know the major plot points in my story.  I'm having trouble creating fill-in matter to keep the story moving.  Any suggestions? - Thomas
 
I honestly have to confess to a love of what you refer to as "fill-in matter" Thomas. I'm an enormous fan of the little things in character interactions that make them feel real to a reader or viewer.  Take the couple of scenes in The Avengers where Agent Coulson is bugging Captain America to sign his vintage trading cards.  Yes, it's a setup to a bigger payoff later but the moments and references to them make the character all the more real.  Bar scenes, sidewalks, elevators: they all make great places to generate interactions that not only fill the time in between major scenes but can also really flesh out a character for your reader. For example, I'm in the process now of writing a completely unexpected sequel to my last novel based on fan response.  My first question to answer was "is there more story to tell?" followed by an immediate "well okay, then what is it?"  I went back to basics, well at least what I consider the basics for the way I write.  I took two characters, created a scene, and let them run around in it and just watched what happened next.  Strangely enough I got a book out of it that about 60% completed now. In this case I started with two established characters that my readers haven't seen spend much time together, but have reason to do so, getting drunk and running off at the mouth.  The humanity of the moment generated a much larger story.  My suggestion: start with something small, get your characters talking, then see where it leads you.  Remember the poker games on Star Trek: The Next Generation? What better way to get your characters talking? 
 
Why do you think authors have stopped writing pure fantasy anymore, well at least successful authors have anyway? - Francis
 
Okay, there are two ways to answer this.  The first: Francis, run home, turn on HBO on demand and immediately watch both seasons of Game of Thrones.  You can mail George RR Martin your letter of apology letter (Tyrion Lannister for President, but I digress).  The real answer to this is to say that I don't think you're looking in the right places Francis.  There's still PLENTY of fantasy being written by a lot of very successful authors (Fifty Shades of Grey anyone? da dum dum rimshot). I think part of it stems from the fact that a lot of the new guard in fantasy are newer authors that aren't quite household names yet and that also maybe the nature of fantasy has changed a bit.  I'm not personally a huge fan of the classic high fantasy stuff. I tend to lean more toward the fantasy grounded in reality, your Harry Dresdens and the like. That's probably why I'm such a big fan of the Marvel movies and Nolan's Batman et al.  I like to see that material brought into the real world more than I want to go chase dragons with Anne McCaffrey, but again to each his own.
 
One of my creative writing professors in college told me that my characters were unrelatable. It's been about ten years since then and after seminars and writing groups and all kinds of other junk I just had a proofreader / editor tell me the same thing.  Is it time to quit? - Bob
 
Bob, and I mean this in the most supportive way, if you quit you're a moron.  Go back over the notes your proofer and editor gave you.  The Question (cap intended) here is WHY? If they didn't tell you than, in parlance, you better ask somebody.  I wrote a character that everyone hates almost categorically and I'm actually proud of him. Why? He generated an emotional response in the readers.  I'd be willing to bet that where a bit of your problem lies is that your character(s) aren't sympathetic enough. They lack human qualities that make your readers care about them.  I know when I was first learning how to write fiction I had a bad habit of making 2-D puppets for characters and them making them "dance" to tell my story.  Then i wrote a story about a vampire taking in a werewolf like a lost puppy after a festival of gore and slaughter and my professor nearly shit herself with happiness.  Apparently I had finally figured out how to make a character do something people responded to.  Sadly the next scene was so bizarre, so completely gothed out and preternaturally emo that she suggested I buy a new computer and burn whatever I wrote that crap on, but hey, I learned something after all. Bob, maybe try this. Take one of your characters and honestly evaluate them as to how much your reader really knows about them.  You don't want to drown a reader in details but something as small as having a character mention they hate the smell of cheap cigars because it reminds them of a real bastard of an uncle they grew up with can get you a lot of mileage.
 
Well, while that may not be a quest-for-fire like knowledge drop, I hope it at least helps these three folks out a bit.  Well, back to the fire pits.  Have a great weekend!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Making Up Mail Call

As most of you know that have been following the blog lately, I've been spending a lot of time over the course of the last month working on several projects and not having a ton of time to dedicate to the ol' blog.  Part of not being able to focus as regularly on the blog as I'd like meant that I missed several Friday Mall Call entries.  So, here's my cheap and pandering attempt to make up for several of those...
 
I receive about an email a week or so wondering if I only write long fiction or if I dabble in other forms such as poetry or short stories and the like.  Well, outside of the blog and the occasionally inebriated dirty limerick, I do scribble out the occasional short story or so.  Truth be told, I actually use short stories as a way to test out story ideas and see if there's actually any merit to the current tube of wonderful that's rolling around in my head or if I'm just experiencing writer's delirium and thinking that this latest pile of mental excrement may be worth more than a quick game of mental etch-a-sketch.
 
I wrote the following short story roughly a year ago as part of a writing group exercise and some of my peers like it enough to think I should consider publishing it.  It's not in a 100% polished form just yet, but I have to admit I'm sort of a fan of it myself.  So, for those of you who requested some of non-novel length work, consider this your long overdue (and as a reminder copyrighted and not to be reposted without permission) response. Let me know what you think!
 
There once was a man from Nantucket... nah, just kidding...
 
I Remember You
By Brian Pittman
The dirty concrete floor of the alleyway was cold, wet, and hard.  The brick and the wall against which he was propped as he tried to open his eyes was equally unwelcoming and yet the two in concert seemed to hold him as comfortably as any easy chair in which he’d spent a lazy afternoon.
The first thing he noticed was how difficult it was to open his eyes and focus.  Fog seemed to be rolling in fairly thickly down the alley floor from the street.  Still unable to truly use his eyes effectively, he noted how the fog seemed to roll and boil its way toward him in long tongues of white and grey.  He noticed that as he tried to focus on the fog as it curled itself into waves and shapes it would seem to melt away, only to return and re-form itself at the edges of his diminished sight.
He closed his eyes hard, his head swimming as if he’d both had too much to drink, gotten his ass kicked and slept way too long all simultaneously.   He opened them and snapped his head back so quickly in shock that he banged it off the unforgiving brick behind him.
There, immediately no more than two inches in front of his face, crouched a woman.
His eyes adjusted slightly to the fog.
The woman’s steel blue eyes stared directly into his, unblinking.  She continued to crouch, like a bright and shiny carrion bird, her head moving slightly as she examined him.  Her shock white hair was pulled into a tight ponytail that brushed against his torso languidly.
He blinked again.
She was sniffing him, his mind told him.  This stuck him as odd, but nowhere near as batshit as the realization that hit him next as she stood up in front of him.
She was wearing armor.
She was beginning to pace in front of him, arms crossed and fingers tapping her chin, as if deeply lost in thought.  He tried to stand and found very quickly that he seemed to lack both the initiative and strength to do so.  He had never felt so tired in his life.
It was about that time that he noticed he was soaking wet as if he’d been sitting or rolling in something wet for quite a while.  He reached down to check his shirt but was startled back into stillness when she spoke to him.
“Why,” she asked tersely?  “Why now?”
“What?”  It seemed all he could intelligently come up in response at the time.
“I demand to know you pathetic insect,” she hissed as she crouched down, leveling herself even with this face once again.  “Why did you?”
Granted he had to admit that woman as a general rule were confusing to him but this particular female was trying to either be obtuse or was just fucking nuts.  Either way, it had been a long night and he was tired of the charade.
“Look Xena,” he snarked dryly, “how but you just fucker on off to whatever comicon you fell out of and leave me in peace…”  He stood to leave again but this time stumbled as he fell back into his hard stone and brick seat.  He wiped his hands on his shirt, still finding it odd how wet his clothes were at the time.
“Tell me, why now,” she seethed as he suddenly realized that the fog around him was flowing in more and more thickly and she was now pointing the largest broadsword he had ever seen and that he could have sworn was merely mist seconds before directly at his jugular. Her voice had no inflection, he began to notice.  All of her words, threatening or inquisitive, were delivered with the same cold even tone.
“Why now WHAT you crazy bitch,” he spat with indignation.
“Why did you do this,” she continued cryptically?  “Why let this happen now?”
“Let what happen,” he spat emphatically?  This entire conversation was doing nothing but pissing him off and wasting his time, not to mention technically qualifying for one fuck of an assault charge.
She dropped the sword from his throat, his blurry vision barely registering the fact that it faded back into the mist as it left her hand.  She crouched yet again, this time mere millimeters from his face, leaving him unsure whether she intended to kiss him or further his berating.  He swung his right hand reflexively but grimaced in both shock and, surprisingly, pain as his hand passed through her as easily as the mist.
She smiled cruelly and pressed her apparently now very solid palm into his abdomen.  He gasped in agony as she pulled her hand back and wiped it across his face.
To his horror he realized that the wet sensation he'd been experiencing was actually blood.  His blood, and he was coated from mid chest down in it.
He tried to freak out, he even wanted to, deep down.  He wanted nothing more than to scream for help.  He didn't, however.  The groggy feeling he'd been fighting off began to dissipate as it was replaced with a peaceful feeling of calm.  The animal side of him, the primal side we all hide behind the trappings of our humanity, slowly allowed him to grasp what was happening.
"I'm dying, aren't I," he intoned?
"Yes," she replied flatly.
"Was it you," he asked, wondering if he was confronting his own murderer?
She sneered at him and resumed her crouch nearly instantly.  "If I had slain you, think you I would leave enough to question?"
He shook his head no.  At that moment his trademark sarcasm not only seemed inappropriate but likely fatal.
Still hovering on him, she repeated her question.  "Again, mortal, I ask you.  Why?"
"Not to anger you needlessly," he said coolly as he tried to make a soothing gesture with a gore soaked hand, "but I don't understand what you’re asking me.  Do you want to know why I let myself get hurt?"
"No imbecile," she spat.  "Why did you try to save them?"  She motioned wide with her gauntleted right hand.  There, still partially shrouded by the fog, lay the bodies of an elderly couple.  As he focused on them he noticed that the fog lifted slightly more and he could see they had been brutally stabbed, nearly eviscerated.  He started to wonder if that was what had befallen him as well.  Try as he could though, he could not remember.
"I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about," he said smoothly.  "What happened to them? To me?"
She stood quickly and began to move off as if beginning to leave.
"HEY!" he screamed at her.
She spun back toward him.  As she stormed toward he saw anger flash across her face.  He also saw something else, though.  As she spun his direction he saw her form seemed to shift and phase as if covered in static.  He could have sworn he saw her hair change color as well but he wrote it off to his still slightly blurry vision.
"Fine," she hissed.  She reached her right hand down again and touched his blood stained forehead.
"See."
The day was no different than any other.  He'd just parked his car outside of the coffee shop around the corner from his house and was about to go inside when he heard the old woman scream from the back of the alley.  Not his business he'd thought.  Then she'd screamed again, begging for their lives.  He was no hero, in fact he'd avoided conflict so much in his life that avoidance qualified as a lifestyle decision.  For some incomprehensible reason his feet were moving into a trot and he was suddenly running and yelling down the alleyway.  Although slightly taller than average he was painfully thin so his attempt at a tackle only managed to spin the mugger, easily twice his heft, slightly off balance.  He watched in horror as the man smiled at him then opened the old man's throat ear to ear with one slash.  Rage overcame him and he lashed out, catching the mugger squarely on the jaw and dropping him to his knees.  The old woman screamed out a warning far too late as he saw the mugger's accomplice level the sawed off shotgun at him.  The blast hurtled him to the back wall of the alley.  Shock set in immediately, but it took him so long to pass out that he had time to watch as they took turns puncturing the woman's vital organs in alphabetical order, all the while admonishing her for not being smart enough to carry cash.
Reality settled back in front of him, mist and all, but now his companion was perched bird like on the corner of a dumpster at a ninety degree angle to his resting spot.  She seemed to be patiently, and also very much without any discernible movement, waiting for his answer.
"I don't know" he responded as truthfully as he could.
"Simpleton," she hissed as he noticed her seem to blur and fuzz slightly.  "Fool."  This time he was sure of it.  Her stark white hair had momentarily gone brown.  She also seemed to be beginning to noticeably lose her icy demeanor and was truly becoming angry with him.
The pain in his gut was nonexistent at the moment and he decided to be a bit more inquisitive.  After all, he reasoned she couldn’t do much worse than hasten his clearly imminent demise.
"So who exactly are you again?"
She phased once again as she descended from her perch in one smooth motion.  This time he clearly saw her with brown hair, wearing a simple cotton dress with flowers in her hair.  An instant passed and she was re-clad in the sterling armor, which in the now full moonlight was clearly designed to resemble a swan, her ghost pale hair swaying softly as her steel blue eyes blazed at him.  She stood full height and he felt his jaw drop in amazement.
"I am Valkyr," she said flatly.  "Chosen by the All-Father to take the worthy dead from the battlefield to Valhalla."
"Name's Bob Thorson," he quipped hurriedly lest the extremely hot yet possibly delusional woman in front of him catch on to his amazement or worse, reproduce that sword again.  "How they hangin' there Val?"
“You... doubt me” she roared?   His mocking clearly angered her, causing her to shift form randomly as she began to pace and rant wildly in front of him.
"Six hundred years," she ranted, "six hundred years of caring for heroes and serving the valiant and I am sent to attend a craven."  She lifted her head back and screamed skyward.  "Have I angered you All-Father?  What did your servant do? Why must you inflict him on me again?"
He was ready to light on the word again and finally get some answers when she shifted again, this time for over ten seconds, and began to swear at him profusely.
Realizations hit him harder than the blast from the shotgun in quick succession.  First she was swearing at him in Gaellic.  His grandmother had been from Scotland and he recognized a few of the choice words Val was using from the frequent tongue lashings he'd seen his grandfather receive when he was a boy.
The second realization was even more improbable.  Every time she flashed she began to seem more and more familiar, as if he'd seen her in a picture or in a movie.  It wasn't until her tirade that it became clear.  No matter how nuts it seemed, he knew this woman!
Things began to slowly add up in his brain, although the gaps that would force intuitive leaps to even try to make logical sense of the situation were so far they seemed almost sadly comical.
“So wait, let me see if I’ve got this right,” he snarked, unable to any control his mouth any further. “I fuck around and get myself at least most of the way killed doing something stupid and you’re pissed off because you think you’re six hundred years old and you’ve been sent to fetch me to Valhalla? “
His mouth clearly had the better of him at that point and he continued, unable to stop himself.  “Look lady, I’ve already figured out I know you from somewhere.  I don’t know what you gave me to make me so weak and how you staged all this but it is bullshit.  And just so we’re clear here, trying to be slick and calling someone stupider than a rotting sheep carcass in another language isn’t nearly as impressive when THEY KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING! Whatever kind of freak show you’ve got going here just knock it the fuck off and…”
His voice trailed off as he saw her turn again and he saw a scar on her left arm, visible through the gaps in her armor.  He looked closer and realized it wasn’t a scar but a brand.  He could see where the flesh had puckered around the burn long ago.  “Wait,” he barked as he reached out and grabbed her by the arm.  This time, she was as solid as he was and the mists that had littered the alley floor were totally gone.  She didn’t phase again, not completely, but he watched as her eyes went from blue to green and her hair regained its previous chestnut color.
She was now standing full height against him, merely inches away, separated only by the grip he maintained on her arm.  “What is this mark,” he said insistently? “Why do I know you?”
With her free hand she reached her hip and withdrew the foot long horn that hung there from a thick braided cord.  “Drink,” she said to him softly, her eyes yielding further to their emerald appointment. She opened the mead horn to show him the amber fluid inside.
“Drink and remember.”
The raiding party had spotted the small village days earlier.  It had been simple enough to overwhelm them.  Three longboats had put ashore to draw their attention, while the other three had beached several leagues away and the thirty warriors inside had attacked simultaneously from the rear.  The men and boys old enough to hold a sword were slaughtered quickly, two saved to be blood-eagled to Odin the next day, and the women and children split amongst the warriors along with the stock and camp goods as the spoils of battle.
Hrothal, the leader of the war party, was ready to retire for the night when his men brought one of the captive women to him.  According to his men she had broken the neck of the man she’d been given to as a prize when he’d tried to rape her, but instead of dealing with her by the sword his men had brought her to him for his judgment.  The woman was beautiful but ferocious and Hrothal knew by the story that his men were more likely afraid that she would rest a sword from their hands and take their lives more than they were afraid to raise a blade to a captive without his say so.  Hrothal eyed the long brown hair and strong body of the woman in front of him and decided he would take it upon himself to break her as he had his horse, to tame the animal to his will.  He commanded his men to tie her to the center post of his tent and he would figure out how to deal with her later.
The woman proved to be a handful for Hrothal.  She tried to escape at any opportunity at first, oftentimes either injuring him or one of his guards in the process.  The guards wanted vengeance but he would never allow it.  In his mind, his will would be stronger than any foreigner they had conquered.  He was Thor-son, descended through the ages from the god of thunder himself, and no woman would fail to bend to his will.
Time passed slowly in those days.  It took six months before Hrothal was able to sleep soundly with her in his tent, tied to the main post or not.  During that time he never beat her or raped her, nor did he allow his men to do so.  She was wild and fierce and he was of a mind that if he could tame her to obey him than he would truly be seen as a man to be reckoned with.  The only harm that came to her by his hands was the occasional day without food or water as punishment for some misdeed and the brand on her upper left arm, the bindrune that marked her as his property.  By their law this mark meant no man save him would ever touch her but also it meant that everyone knew where she belonged and many times it would lead to her return to him after an escape attempt.
A year passed, then two.  Over time her attempts at freedom diminished in frequency then one day stopped altogether.  Somewhere in the first year he stopped tying her to the post every night.  It was sometime afterward that she was shown by someone who spoke her language how to care for his tent and keep his armor and clothes clean.  By the end of the second year she was even learning to speak their language and could have rudimentary conversations.  Her master had learned her name was “Roan” and that she was the daughter of the healer for her village before it was destroyed.  It even turned out she had some small skill in medicine and treated Hrothal’s wounds on more than one occasion.
It was during the fourth year of her life with Hrothal that Roan decided it was time to truly be free.  She had been a good slave and earned the trust of most in the camp so it was easy for her to steal a sword and hide it in his tent.  It had been after a council meeting that night when Hrothal had returned to his tent to sleep and encountered Roan, wearing mismatched pieces of old or childrens’ armor, leveling a sword at him as he entered.  It was no easy fight for either of them, nor did it end as either would have expected.  The following morning found both of them in need of bandages for minor wounds, but the following spring found them welcoming Hrothal’s first son into the world.
Season followed season and child followed child as time went on.  Twelve years almost to the day from when Hrothal had first taken Roan from her village a different set of warriors, bent on making a name for themselves, attacked Hrothal and his people in broad daylight just as the first snows of the year had began to fall.  Hrothal was wounded by an axe almost immediately.  As he faded in and out of consciousness he had seen Roan standing over him, sword in hand, defending her fallen husband and family with all of her rage until she was cut nearly in half by an enemy.  His own warriors had seen her fight and redoubled their efforts.  He lost Roan that day, as well as the use of his left arm, but Hrothal spent the rest of his very long life until he died in his bed wishing he had been able to stand beside her.
He opened his eyes again to reality, this time to see the Valkyrie that had been tormenting him gone and in her place sat the woman in the cotton dress with the long, flowing brown hair.
“I’ve been watching ye for six hundred years you stupid git,” she said as she polished off the rest of the mead from the horn.  “Life after life, year after year, living, growing and dying as one stupid whiny shit of a man after another.”  He noticed that her accent was fully prevalent by that point, although her brogue had too many long o’s and a’s to be purely Scottish.
“I used to root for you, doncha know,” she said.  “I figured ya had to man up at some point.  He’s a warrior I figured.  It’s got to come naturally.”  She stood up over him again, gesturing with the horn again for emphasis and spilling a considerable quantity of mead in the process.  “Don’t worry about that,” she smiled, “it never runs out anyway.”  Continuing to smile she dumped a good quantity on his head and continued her rant.
“Do you know you managed to make it through World War I without so much as a broken toe?  When you enlisted, well, I thought maybe now’s his time.  But no, you off and go be a bloody ass cook. Fuckin’ hell…”
He listened to her rant on about what a failure and coward he’d apparently been in multiple lives when he noticed his limbs were getting heavy again.  She continued to go on and on, recounting one inglorious deed of cowardice after another, until she stopped to take another belt from the horn.  “And right about 1940 is where I just started to hate your arse.  Even stopped paying attention to you.  Then today I’m told to be here at this fuckin’ alley and faith be damned who comes a-walkin’ in…”
His vision was beginning to blur again.  Something deep inside him told him she was telling the truth, no matter how improbable it seemed.  Something also told him it didn’t really matter whether she was truthful or not at this point.
He put his hand on her shoulder and turned her to him.  “Roan,” he said softly.  The voice coming out of him wasn’t his own but still sounded familiar all the same.
“Aye love,” she said, “tis I. Tis your Roan. And tis you’re time as well it would seem.”
She stood beside him and her armor began to reappear.  Neither her eyes nor her hair changed, however, and her speech stayed the same as it had been for what seemed like hours.  She reached for him and stood him up on his feet with a sharp tug.  He found himself standing before her as his true self, the man from six centuries before who wished to die beside her in battle, as the body of the man he had been closed its eyes and breathed its last.
“Come love,” she cooed at him.  “There’s mead to be drunk and fights to be had and lies to be told.”
“And you to be had,” he intoned as he pulled her close.
“Ahh, and I believe you’ll be needing that tent pole again,” she said coyly as the rainbow appeared and they began their walk to eternity.

Kid Friendly

Well kids, it's been a few weeks yet again since I've had time to get a post up for your general enjoyment and/or ridicule.  The great news about it is that I have been hard at work on several projects and it looks like I'm going to have at least one more book out this year, if not two, based on how things move forward.  Also, make sure you pay attention to the blog over the next day as I'll be launching my newest blog, The BigFellas Guide, sometime around mid-day on Tuesday, 10/2.
 
Now to get down to business. I've got a topic to discuss this week that, to be honest, I've struggled with for a few weeks now.  My struggle came from the fact that I feel pretty passionately about this issue but, when viewed from a certain slant, my opinion could almost be seen as hypocritical.  I've teeter-tottered back and forth about whether I'm even qualified to foist on opinion out there into the world on this subject.  That all changed over the course of this last weekend, however, when I had the opportunity to discuss the topic with my twelve-year old niece.  We'll talk more about that discussion later but, for now, suffice it to say that I've never been more convinced I was right on anything in a very long time as I am after that little talk.
 
Kids, our topic for today is what material is and is not appropriate for children. 
 
Let me go ahead and get this out of the way to start with:  I am not a parent, not yet anyway.  There will be those who immediately disqualify anything I say because I'm not one and that is perfectly alright by me.  They're entitled to their view just like I am, no matter how wrong they may be.  I'm also probably going to piss some people off because I'm about to call them a bad parent or come down on their parenting decisions. To those folks I say tough shit.  If you don't agree with me, fine, just make sure you're not mad because you know I'm actually right and you've fucked up somewhere along the way.
 
There's something else I need to frontload as well.  The opinions I'm about to give, as I mentioned, may seem somewhat hypocritical in light of my body of work both current and forthcoming.  Look, I'm the first one to realize and admit that no child under sixteen or so needs to be within arm's reach of my work.  I write for an adult audience, pure and simple.  I have two nieces on the threshhold of adolescence and believe me I would flip my shit on their parents if I ever found out either of them read my books until they were older. I have so far managed to slide over the fact that I have a regular blog with the older of the two as I don't think she's exactly ready to find out ol' uncle Brian can get a little off the chain on occasion (or I'm not ready for her to do so, one of the two), and the other one's parents read me regularly enough and are good enough parents that I know they'll keep her from my work for quite a while more. 
 
Moving on, let me surmise what I feel in this simple sentence: let children be children.  I mentioned a conversation with my twelve-year old niece this weekend earlier.  We were discussing the fact that a lot of her friends are watching R rated movies already and, at least in my house, PG-13 is the cutoff for movies and T for video games until she gets older.  Being somewhat silly I told her that as far as I was concerned she should still be watching cartoons about unicorns and teenage wizards.  Shockingly enough she agreed with me.  I don't think I've been happier to hear something in a long time.
 
Folks, I know that probably every last person reading the words I'm writing here started watching R rated movies around 12 or 13 years old, but hopefully they were sneaking around to do so at minimal volume in the living room in the middle of the night like I was.  I know it's probably a bit of an old fashioned ideal but I just don't believe that kids need to be watching or exposed to adult content until they are at least closer to being adults.  The absolute worst violation of this I've heard of lately was being told that a five and four year old were watching Sweeney Todd on a repetitive basis.  Now don't get me wrong, that movie and even the musical are among the few Broadway offerings I really enjoy but let's be real here: who in their right fucking mind let's a young child watch bloody murder and cannibalism?  I mean, seriously, what kind of pathetic ass parenting is that?  I don't care how you try to deflect, sugar coat, or pander it off, the fact is you're exposing a young and impressionable mind to some seriously deranged behavior and developmental psychologists have shown over and over and over that this causes damage to young minds.  It's too bad that particular form of child abuse doesn't fall to the DSS, you know?
 
The fact of it all is that today's early and preteen kid is so deeply inundated with media and has such wide access to anything under the sun that it really takes parental involvement to keep them safe and give them a chance to actually be a kid for as long as possible.  My two youngest nieces are five and a newborn, respectively, and the kind of world that awaits them scares the hell out of me and they're not even my kids.
 
What age is the right age for these kids to start being allowed exposure to adult material?  That's not my call, it belongs to their parents providing their parents are doing their job to start with.  Personally I don't agree with buying a kid an M rated video game until they are at least 15, but judging by the number of foul mouthed, squeaky voiced douche monkeys on your average Call of Duty match, there are a lot of parents that don't share my view.  Hey, sue me, I just really believe that having an actual childhood might actually be, you know, important and stuff.
 
More to come.  Make sure you stay tuned for the launch of The BigFellas Guide later today!