Ladies and gentlemen, I'd love to be able to say that at this precise moment I am at a loss for words. Unfortunately, when you take into consideration what I do for a "living," it should come as no surprise that I am anything but at a loss for words at this particular moment. In fact, I've got a great big ol' pile of those bastards just layin' here, sharp and ready to get thrown at someone's jugular.
I have to admit that I've been quietly stewing on several things / issues for nearly a week now. An incident occurred last weekend in which I was exposed to a person who falls into one of these categories and they irritated me fairly significantly. However, I've been trying to stick to my statement about not vehemently spewing rage on my blog as often as I had in the past. Emphasis on TRYING. As the week has progressed I have not only still had to deal with this person but more of their knuckle dragging, partially informed ilk have popped out of the woodwork to join them and collectively they have been hopping up and down on my last stump of a nerve and I am now officially done with being nice about it.
Let's make this whole issue simple kids: if you have no clue what you're talking about, or moreso if the discussed issue has nothing to do with you AND you have no clue, THEN POLITELY SHUT THE BLEEDING FUCK UP AND SIT THERE UNTIL SOMEONE POKES YOU WITH A STICK!
First of all, let's make sure we're clear here from the outset. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. That's a given. Opinions are very definitely like assholes: everyone's got one and some get used more than others. I'll never get after anyone who presents opinions even remotely appropriately. I'm one of the first people to bitch and moan when folks don't say what needs to be said. Is your grandmother mean and evil in some bizarre Machiavellian way? Fuck it, call her a bitch if it's truly warranted, be done with it, and get on with the day.
My issue comes up when someone who, in parlance, doesn't have a dog in the race decides that the world can't live without their two-and-a-half-fucking-cents worth. Am a being hypocritical? Maybe a tiny bit because I do tend to ramble on a lot about things that I have no real control over or effect on, however the nature of my job is to comment on the things around me so I have to give myself the smallest of passes here.
Allow me to voice a few of my complaints from the past week. Hopefully they'll illustrate what has me so blessedly hacked off at the moment. Most of them are on topic but a few just have me really riled up at the moment. Indulge me if you will.
1) If you have never written a book of any kind, you are unqualified to comment on a writer's process, style of writing, or creativity beyond a nearly-binary Like It or Don't Like It. Just because your spouse is employed in the literary field doesn't mean you have the smallest fucking clue what you're talking about. You see, writers expect bad reviews. Some of us even revel in them. What we can't stand is a talking head yammering on when it's obvious that the last thing they actually read was the back of the package of Soft Batch they just inhaled along with a quart of ice cream. Quit bleating about concepts and buzzwords you don't truly understand in a vain attempt to sound like your life partner, you stupid fat fuck. Allow me to reassure your simple ass that the capacity for intelligent thought IS NOT SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED.
2) Disagreeing with someone is a wonderful thing. Telling someone they're wrong because what they've done is a 'sin' is your perogative, HOWEVER, only if that person shares your religious views. If they don't, please just do like your mother and grandmother do when you walk around the house wearing a gym sock on your junk: 'tsk' in disapproval, shut the hell up, and go on somewhere. We're all going roughly the same place when we day. So what if what they believe is wrong? We'll all find out when we get there, rest assured. For your sake though Skippy I'm really hoping we're right on the Jesus thing and you don't get to spend eternity walking behind someone else's World Turtle carrying the pooper scooper.
3) If you are the parent of a gay child please listen closely: THERE IS NO CURE BECAUSE YOUR CHILD IS NOT SICK. Your child is gay you homophobic wank tard and there is nothing you can do to change that. I am so sick of hearing this haughty ignorant shit. You may be able to repress them now but eventually somebody is gonna pick a family dinner, usually on a high holiday, to find the perfect time to come FLAMINGLY out of the closet and gush their excitement all over their extended family! Bank on it. I'm going to break this down for you one time and one time only: love you kid for who they are and shut up about it for chrissakes! If your kid is LGBTU or whatever else you wanna throw in there, GREAT! Be happy you have a healthy kid. If you can't handle their sexual orientation it is YOUR problem, not theirs! Get help before you say something one bridge too far and lose your child forever. If your child is bisexual then be happy that there are that many more chances that they will find their true love and soul mate to spend their life with. I actually heard a parent call a bisexual child 'greedy' this week and I swear I nearly hit him in the mouth for being a ignorant turd.
4) Folks, and I mean this with all sincerity, some of you have absolutely got to stop expecting people to be the same person they were five / ten / twenty years ago. Just because you haven't changed doesn't mean they are stagnant as well. Public places are not the forum to start rehashing your greatest hits gag reel with this person when you haven't seen them in longer than it takes a fifth grader to gestate! Women, if you have a male friend from high school that you haven't seen in a very long time and he used to cheat on everyone he dated twenty hears ago, there is a more than slight chance he got his act together. Just because he was a ho in high school or college doesn't mean he wants to cheat on his wife, let alone cheat with your skanky ass. And while we're on the subject, and also to narrow the beam a little here to clue in Princess Clueless from back in the day, just because you had a wild three way back in college with someone doesn't mean that you can attempt to invite yourself to bed with him and his wife. IF HE WANTED YOU THERE HE WOULD HAVE MARRIED YOU INSTEAD YOU SIMPLE BITCH.
5) There seem to lately be an overabundance of people in my general vicinity who have decided to step out on their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/symbiotic protein whatever. Folks, I'm going to speak very plainly here. I DON'T FUCKING CARE WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR NAUGHTY BITS NOR DO I NEED THE DRAMA IT CAUSES. I'm the last person to ever have the balls to lecture anyone on morality. I've been through 95% of the Kama Sutra at least twice and half of it was with your wife (just kidding, jesus take a joke dude!). Seriously, and I actually mean this, I don't care who you fuck. If you're happily married and can pull of three simultaneous affairs then go for it. What I am so sick and fucking tired of is the juvenile you-sound-like-you're-still-fifteen drama and whining it all has started to entail. Knock off the drama, pick one or two of your herd of crotch cookies to be happy with, stop being a douche and get back to being the semi-normal scruffy little nerf herder I'm not ashamed to call friend. Save the drama for the tweens jerking off over the CW. Please note this is not aimed at one person. A bunch of yall need to get your little na- na monkey under control with a quickness!
6) I do not have a kid. I can make jokes about kids, but I only have second hand info at best. I do not have YOUR kid. If I comment on your parenting style and decisions, privately or publicly, I am only proving myself a moron with no clue of what I speak. See how simple that was? Good because I AM SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF LISTENING TO SOME OF YOU GODDAMN PETTY-ASS TOENAIL CHEWERS RAG ON EACH OTHER'S ABILITY TO RAISE A KID! It's not your business so butt the hell out. Nobody ragged on your twitchy ass momma, now did they?
7) "I'm so embarassed for you." I heard this little nugget two times this week. The first was in reference to my book being fairly riddled with profanity. The second was in reference to a friend's vehicle and the stories it invokes. To both responsible parties I politely offer the one time only deal of a lifetime opportunity to go hang yourself and choke of the front six inches of my cock. Embarrassment is only derived if you are made uncomfortable by your actions. You've been reading this post. Does it seem to you that the fact that I use the word FUCK 73 times in a 120 page book bothers me? No, you're embarassed "for me" because you didn't have the balls to do it yourself. Similar in response to the crap about my friend's truck. That person is just angry they don't have those kind of good stories in their life. Bubba(ette), I hate to be the one to have to tell you this but sitting at home every Saturday night and talking to the cat who is only waiting to eat your face when you die is not going to get you any good stories. It's only gonna get your dead face eaten by a cat.
8) I would like to make a public service announcement to all those people out there with excuses about why their life is in the condition it is currently: YOU LET IT GET THIS WAY AND ONLY YOU CAN FIX IT! Please for the love of whatever deity helps you get through the really bad thunderstorms stop waiting on someone to give you a handout and go handle your shit you deadbeat fuck. Do whatever you need to do but stop wasting oxygen and looking for life lessons on The View. You will never succeed at anything unless you try. If you're not going to try then would you please go ahead and die so some third world kid can get your share of the rice ration and grow up to be useful. Thanks for your time.
9) This last little item is going to sound really harsh but I actually mean it with love and respect. Right now I know more than five and less than ten women who are literally waiting on a man to save them / fix them / make it all better, be he husband, boyfriend, or dream man of the future. Sweetheart, I really do mean this with love because I want all of you as my friends to be happy and live awesome lives, you need to stop waiting on him and fix it yourself. There's a simple reason why. The universe doesn't present you with the kind of person you want as a partner until you're ready for them and worthy of them - period. You are better, and I mean all of you, than what you're allowing yourself to live with and I emplore to stop letting the awesome person who is my friend live in hell. I am not friends with people who amount to nothing or are losers or wastes of time. I don't have time for it. If I still have time for you as my friend than if for nothing else than that little teeny thing you have worth and the bullshit needs to stop.
Okay, I'm better for at least now. I would apologize for being harsh but sometimes kids you just have to say it like you feel. Have a great weekend and I'll talk to you on the other side of a large quantity of alcohol and a few days sleep.
6) I do not have a kid. I can make jokes about kids, but I only have second hand info at best. I do not have YOUR kid. If I comment on your parenting style and decisions, privately or publicly, I am only proving myself a moron with no clue of what I speak. See how simple that was? Good because I AM SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF LISTENING TO SOME OF YOU GODDAMN PETTY-ASS TOENAIL CHEWERS RAG ON EACH OTHER'S ABILITY TO RAISE A KID! It's not your business so butt the hell out. Nobody ragged on your twitchy ass momma, now did they?
7) "I'm so embarassed for you." I heard this little nugget two times this week. The first was in reference to my book being fairly riddled with profanity. The second was in reference to a friend's vehicle and the stories it invokes. To both responsible parties I politely offer the one time only deal of a lifetime opportunity to go hang yourself and choke of the front six inches of my cock. Embarrassment is only derived if you are made uncomfortable by your actions. You've been reading this post. Does it seem to you that the fact that I use the word FUCK 73 times in a 120 page book bothers me? No, you're embarassed "for me" because you didn't have the balls to do it yourself. Similar in response to the crap about my friend's truck. That person is just angry they don't have those kind of good stories in their life. Bubba(ette), I hate to be the one to have to tell you this but sitting at home every Saturday night and talking to the cat who is only waiting to eat your face when you die is not going to get you any good stories. It's only gonna get your dead face eaten by a cat.
8) I would like to make a public service announcement to all those people out there with excuses about why their life is in the condition it is currently: YOU LET IT GET THIS WAY AND ONLY YOU CAN FIX IT! Please for the love of whatever deity helps you get through the really bad thunderstorms stop waiting on someone to give you a handout and go handle your shit you deadbeat fuck. Do whatever you need to do but stop wasting oxygen and looking for life lessons on The View. You will never succeed at anything unless you try. If you're not going to try then would you please go ahead and die so some third world kid can get your share of the rice ration and grow up to be useful. Thanks for your time.
9) This last little item is going to sound really harsh but I actually mean it with love and respect. Right now I know more than five and less than ten women who are literally waiting on a man to save them / fix them / make it all better, be he husband, boyfriend, or dream man of the future. Sweetheart, I really do mean this with love because I want all of you as my friends to be happy and live awesome lives, you need to stop waiting on him and fix it yourself. There's a simple reason why. The universe doesn't present you with the kind of person you want as a partner until you're ready for them and worthy of them - period. You are better, and I mean all of you, than what you're allowing yourself to live with and I emplore to stop letting the awesome person who is my friend live in hell. I am not friends with people who amount to nothing or are losers or wastes of time. I don't have time for it. If I still have time for you as my friend than if for nothing else than that little teeny thing you have worth and the bullshit needs to stop.
Okay, I'm better for at least now. I would apologize for being harsh but sometimes kids you just have to say it like you feel. Have a great weekend and I'll talk to you on the other side of a large quantity of alcohol and a few days sleep.
Brian, you certainly know how to get to the heart of many things that can drive one crazy and though I do not know you well, I can completely understand most of what you are saying. When we leave our parents house, we become completely responsible for ourselves and this is a difficult thing for some people to grasp. Responsibility is something sorely lacking in far too much of what we see around us everyday. You are responsible for your actions, whether you react or not to someone elses actions, either verbal or physical. You cannot look to other people to make you better, that is really your job. They may help, but that is not their job. As an adult, you make decisions, hopefully weighing the positive and negative consequences. When it is a bad decision, then you need to re-evaluate and make another. Nobody can control you but yourself, nor can you control another person. Tis a sad situation when someone preaches religion and sin to another. My favorite line from a Dire Straits song goes along the line of when you point a finger when your plans fall through, there are three more fingers pointing back at you. When someone criticizes and judges anothers actions, look in the closet, odds on they have PLENTY of skeletons lurking. Much more fun to say, ignore the man behind the curtain, no? Havent we seen this over the years with our "fearless" leaders? It sounds like there are some people who need to grow up a bit more, imho, and I not claiming perfection by no stretch of my own imagination. Cheers Rebekah
ReplyDeleteSure glad you got that the fuck of the way before the Strawberry Festival. Hope all went well for the authors under the big tent.
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