You know, it's been a while now since your buddy the CS had a few words to share with the class. I've been fairly good for a week or so, in my humble estimation, but now it appears that there may be a few folks out of our dear and precious herd that I need to pull aside and have a little chat with them.
I'm going to try very hard to not let this turn into a rant. It may, I'll warn you up front, but I'm going to try to keep this fairly civil. We'll just cross our fingers and toes and pray for the best.
I enjoy Facebook, most of the time. If you're my friend on Facebook you've seen me throw some fairly random and occasionally humorous stuff up as a status blurb every now and then. I even use Facebook to pimp the living hell out of this blog. In fact, when I started this little mental landfill, Facebook was my sole source of advertising outside of whiny 'please read my bullshit' text messages. I even get on weird random back and forth nerd out sessions with friends on there that seem to be the topic of conversation for a number of people for weeks at a time. Great, cool, wonderful. Glad we can entertain.
My people, I do truly love and respect you all to a degree. Some of you much more than others but hey, when you think about it, we may not be that close. There are some of you, however, that I need to talk to directly for just a second about your Facebook habits. Step over here for just a second, or in the immortal words of my ex-brother-in-law Jason whose deep south Louisiana ass I still find the occasional time to miss: 'come see.'
People, we need to discuss the overshare. You are a wonderful and fascinating creature, at least in your own mind and the minds of your closest friends, but there is just some shit about you I and I'm quite sure a lot of others of us just don't need to fucking know. Since the overshare is a bit vague of a concept for some folks, let me break it down a little bit for you with a few simple rules that will keep you off my list of people to verbally sodomize with a telephone pole the next time I need a post on morons.
Rule #1: Anything regarding your day to day life, how much you hate your job, how much you love your offspring, etc. is 100% cool with me. It's your life, celebrate it publicly as you see fit. Tell us all about your kids, your dog, your husband or wife, whatever makes your life special to you. In some cases, I find it downright amazing that you in particular not only conned some poor wretch into marrying you to start with but that you managed to reproduce. Hoo-freakin-ray for DNA. I can't say but so much though. If I had kids I'd be posting every one of Junior's finger doodles like Facebook was my own giant refrigerator door, even if he did have to adjust his helmet so he could see the paper.
Rule #2: If your diet over the past twenty years has included a volume of Big Macs and Chicken McNuggets greater than or equal to an exponent of your body weight, there is absolutely no need to post a picture of yourself in a swimsuit, negligee, or Under Armour. Be any body type you wish and be proud of who you are. Just cover it up. Trust me, the day you see my big chunky ass in a shirtless picture I can assure you I've just inadvertently dropped fifty pounds and found someone else's abs or the pic might be from 1994. Just don't do it, please. Some things we just don't need to see, trust me.
Rule #3: Pictures that prove Darwin to have been in error regarding your inclusion in the species do not need posted on Facebook, even if you truly earned it by prefacing your monolithically epic fail with the phrase: 'hey y'all watch this'. This don't call it the famous redneck last words for nothing people. Also, we the general public have absolutely no need to know that you and four girlfriends went out to the titty bar tonight, all while wearing the same pink straw cowboy hat. Woo girls be damned. That's just tragic. Do what you want on your time but should you feel the need to post something that lame I think somebody ought to take a moment to tell your momma on you. Unless she was in the group, in which case I now understand more than I needed to begin with.
Rule #4: Should you choose to modify your hide in some way, be it a piercing or a tattoo, keep it to your damn self. If you want to show me your new tattoo, I will happily give you my address. Flop your happy ass in the car and drive over here. I'll be happy to give you my opinion face to face. Just don't post it. Damn, I mean really. And one other note on tattoos: if the guy or gal giving you a tattoo doesn't work in a studio, doesn't have a license, doesn't carry insurance, and most of their recent work looks like it was done by a fat kid with a crayon, allow yourself to sober up before you make a mistake and end up with a kanji tattoo that uses the wrong characters, never heals properly, and looks like it was actually written in sanskrit after the scab comes off.
Rule #5: If it has to do with your genitals, or for that matter your naked body in general, please keep it directly the fuck off of Facebook. Ladies, if your self esteem is so low that all of your profile pictures are taken from such an angle as to show off three miles of cleavage, you need two things: clothes that fit properly and some new pictures. Trust me, I'm male. If you have big boobs I can tell from across the street, over traffic, and through the trench coat, sweater, t-shirt and sports bra you're wearing. You don't need a Facebook pic that makes you look as if you're auditioning for cum-gargler #14 on the next Vivid movie. And while we're on the subject, if you have your naughty bits pierced, men or women, keep it the hell to yourself as well. I do not need to know about your new clitoral piercing unless I am about to attempt to penetrate you with what God provided me as an excuse for a penis. If it happens to come up in conversation, fine, whatever, but dear God there is no reason for me to see a picture on Facebook of what looks like a metal bar bell shoved through a greasy stack of roast beef. Or for that matter a worm about to be used as fly fishing bait. Yes, I mean you, Prince Albert. I have nothing against your need to shove shit where it doesn't belong, just don't advertise it. It makes you either (a) look like a dumb shit or (b) look like you're trying to attract dumb shits.
And then, one last special rule to all of our underage friends: You're a child. Act like it. If you can't act like you still possess the sense your parents tried to raise you with, cut off the damn computer. To their parents: watch what your children are doing online. They're children. Translation: they're preternatural dumbasses that you're responsible for. When your teenage son is taking pictures of his junk to send to a hot teacher or your daughter's profile pic looks like she is auditioning for special window seats in Amsterdam, you suck as a parent and you need slapped. Your job as a parent is to keep your son from being a tool and your daughter off the pole. Anything else is gravy, and some of you are too stupid and lazy as parents to even warrant a biscuit to start with.
That's all I've got on this little slice of heaven folks. Remember, think before you post. Someone will always be watching. Have a heart and try to keep them from gagging as well.
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