In Response #3: The Top 10 To Avoid

I received a great email this morning from a really sweet girl I met at Cleveland Library a few weeks ago who is interested in become a writer. In her note, Heather asked what were the biggest things I would tell her to avoid as she is writing and self publishing her first work.

 

 

Okay, first of all, it's not like I'm exactly an expert on the subject. I did only just a month ago get my first project to market. But I will say this however: I wish someone had sat me down and at least gave me a bit of a roadmap many years ago. Not only would I most likely have published sooner but the process wouldn't have been as filled with every flavor of speed bump you can imagine as it was.

 

 

So, in answer to your question Ms. Heather, here are my Top 10 Things to Avoid when writing and publishing your first novel. Truthfully, they're probably all wrong as advice goes, but then again you did ask! (And for all of you non-writers out there, don't give up just yet. Trust me, you will enjoy laughing at me all the way through this...)

 

 

#1: Writing about something you know nothing about.

I don't think better advice was ever given to me as a writer. I was first told this by a high school English teacher when I tried to write a horror short story. I'm barely a fan of the genre, even then, and the story might have been better if I'd written it in crayon and just drawn the pretty pictures to go with. I stick to writing about damaged people and the crazy stuff that goes in their lives. Why? I've been surrounded by them for twenty plus years. The day you see me switch to the happy little faeries that live in the enchanted woods for my characters, well, let's just say you should probably be checking in on me to find out who finally talked me into medication.

 

 

#2: Writing real life.

Here's what happens when you directly write about real life: you upset people. People in general don't want their every little misdeed and exploit captured and displayed for all eternity. Getting sued could be the least of your problems. Upset people tend to own guns. Seriously though, if you're going to use real people or events in your work, make sure you fictionalize the living crap out of them. I'm putting the finishing touches on book #2 now and I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is a LOT of reality used for inspiration. No one in my life is safe from having a part or piece of them or their lives show up in my work. The trick is to tweak it or mask it enough that no one is blatantly the inspiration for anything. As a friend of mine once said: likeness rights are one thing, pissed off spouses are another.

 

 

#3: Not doing your research.

This is a simple and obvious one but it bears stating. If you know nothing about a topic and you are going to insist on writing about it, make damn sure to take the time to do some research. Technically speaking the reader's willing suspension of disbelief hinges on a minimum of distractions from the author such as obviously incorrect information. I read a short story once where a medical examiner was doing an autopsy and reached for a power saw to open the brain cavity. The correct term is autopsy saw or oscillating bone saw. That simple word error pulled me right out of the story.

 

 

#4: Keeping your book the best kept secret, ever.

You're self publishing which means, unless you are stupid rich and can afford to hire a marketing company, you are also self marketing. I started publicizing my book through Facebook and my blog three months (give or take) before it came out. I talked about my little scribbles to anyone that would listen in advance AND I STILL HAVEN'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT! (Much to the chagrin of most people who know me...) Seriously, your success is on you. No local bookstore is going to ask you to come sign books for them. They don't know who you are. You may have literally just written the next great American novel but if you don't get it out there, no one else will. There are plenty of self-published writers out there that have sold twenty copies of their book after two years and won't sell another one because they are out of friends and relatives to pawn copies off on.

#5: Paying zero attention to formatting.

Every single self publishing company has a template available for your book. USE IT FROM THE START. Every ebook company has a guide book out there that will tell you how to format your book for their service. READ IT AND USE IT. Formatting your book for publishing as an actual book is a bit tricky and there are a lot of insider tips you need to know to get it to look professional. Formatting your book as an ebook for multiple services causes cramping and searing sphincter pain if you don't know what you're doing. Trust me, I was beginning to look into a hemorrhoid donut after the third revision for Kindle and there was still an issue with the first release.

#6: Playing it safe

This is just a personal thing for me. There are bookshelves filled to the brim all over the world with 'safe' novels. If you've got something to say, say it. I have a good friend right now who has the unique talent of writing the most deranged and sometimes disgusting things in a way that they become very beautiful. Literally, this chica wrote a scene of disturbingly explicit necrophilia that will bring tears to your eyes as you gag. I wrote a book with a main character that everyone hates. It's selling, even if only so people can read it out of morbid curiosity, but it's selling. Again, if you have something to say in a story, say it and consequences be damned. Just keep it under control...

#7: Using sex scenes for the wrong reasons

Okay, this will make sense to some people and others will just shake their head, laugh, and go back to their best chimpanzee at the zoo impersonation. Unless you're intending to write porn, there is actually a wrong way to do sex scenes. If you're writing a sex scene just to show your main character naked, well, that may be a boo boo. I prefer to use sex as a means of characterization; in other words I use it to show one more side of the character. Other authors use it as a plot point, others will still use it for any number of literary devices like signposts or just basic exposition. The point is that it's nearly expected if you're writing fiction for adult audiences that at some point somebody is probably going to get groiny with someone else. Just make sure there is a reason behind it. Unless of course your name is Tucker Max and then what the hell do I know.

#8: Allowing plot holes to make your story read like a drive by
One thing all of us as writers have to remember is that we already know how the story will end and what will happen along the way. The reader does not. Plot holes, or referring to things that have yet to happen in the reader's experience or things that the reader will never see, are quite literally the potato thrown in the soup bowl. I run into this problem personally on flashbacks. My second book is a particular challenge because it bounces from the present to background stories constantly. Trust me when I say that the first draft was so full of holes that it read like a collander after it was introduced to the business end of a shotgun.

#9: Forgetting your target audience
Every book is written with a target audience in mind. Sometimes it's a given thing and sometimes you have to think a bit about who you intend to read your work. For example, if you're writing a religiously themed novel you may want to avoid profanity. Graphic depictions of defecation do not belong in a children's book. You get the idea. The trick is to try to push said envelope within what your audience will enjoy. The best example I can give you on this is to look at the current runaway success of Fifty Shades of Grey. Talk about not forgetting your target audience!

#10: Forgetting you are still new at this

This is honestly the hardest thing for me. I did it once, so I should now be an expert at it, right? Oh God could that not be more wrong. The one thing you have to remember is that there are always people out there infinitely more experienced at what you're doing than you are and most of them are happy to be resources for you. The only way to make use of the knowledge and experience of others is to ask. Or you could do it the knuckleheaded way like I did and go online and dig for a lot of info yourself. And waste days. And days. And you get the idea.

So, there you are Ms. Heather. My ten pitfalls to avoid as you're getting started. Hopefully there's a bit of good to be gleaned there. I do have one recommendation for you that I have to say is almost more important than anything else. Get involved with a writers group. You need to surround yourself with people that are your peers in this endeavor because, unless they are published authors, your friends will know jack shit about how to help you along. There is a level of support and flat out help available when you are part of a group that you will not find anywhere else. I'm part of two groups right now and there's no telling where that will go in the future. Look online at meetup.com to find writers groups in your area, check out college campuses, and even check out your favorite writer's blogs. They may even have links to resources and their groups as well. Hint Hint.