In order to wrap up the email responses, I decided to use this post as a catch all for some of the short response questions I've received. Some of them warrant one or two lines, some barely warrant a response and are just filler, and a couple just cracked me up. I'm not going to include any names on these but trust me when I say that all of them were extremely appreciated. It should probably go without saying that most are edited or compressed / cleaned up / whatever it took to get them here. Without further ado...
If people are reading less and less, why write?
Everyone uses the toilet. You gotta do something in there to pass the time and my book just happens to fit nicely on the back of the tank! Actually, you bring up a really great point. Adult literacy rates are becoming something beyond tragic and it gets worse with each passing year. Here's a thought. Write so that those around you have to read if for no other reason than to shut you up and make you stop asking them if they read your book yet. It's my understanding that my father-in-law has read at least part of my book and I can't tell you if I've ever seen the man read anything other than a menu.
I read your post where you picked on an author for thinking they were hot shit. Okay wise ass, when is it okay for an author to enjoy their success?
I met Nicholas Sparks a few years ago. If anyone I can think of in the modern literary pantheon has reason to think he's hot shit, it's that man. I think the dude could write a short story on partially used Kleenex and sell the screen play right now. Guess what? Mr. Sparks is one of the nicest, most unassuming guys I've ever met. As far as enjoying your success, well by all means go for it as far as I'm concerned. Enjoy the shit out of it. Let your pimp up runneth over. All I ask out of anyone is to keep their perspective. My little scribbles have sold pretty okay for a self published book which is great but in reality it's nothing in the real world. My royalties will make A house payment. One. Wahoo. In all seriousness this is the fulfillment of a dream for me. I'm glad it's become a little minor something and it will be great while it lasts. (In case you were wondering, the author I was lambasting has a habit of writing obsequiously technical reviews that don't focus on story or characters as much as word count and 'readability.' Pretty much douche canoe territory.)
What the hell is IMLTHFO? You use it about once a week.
In My Less Than Humble Fucking Opinion. And only once about every two weeks, thank you very much.
Why do you think they still teach the classic structure of a novel in schools when no one uses it anymore?
1) To keep high school English teachers employed. 2) To give students a basic understanding of how a story is classically structured in order to recognize what's going on and to enhance enjoyment (i.e. it has a bill, it quacks, it lays eggs, yep it's a platypus! - thought I was going for duck didn't ya). 3) and probably most importantly, denouement is such a cool sounding word and probably the only French I know outside of slightly dirty disco lyrics.
I read somewhere that writers are hyper exaggerative in their creativity. Do you agree?
My twelve inch dick doesn't think so. (Sorry, sometimes my twelve year old maturity level just can't let it go by quietly no matter how hard I try.)
Do you have to be good in bed to write good sex scenes? Can being a writer really get you laid?
I have no clue whatsoever. I guess it would go back to the whole idea of practicing what you preach? I do have one piece of practical advice however: writing a really wild sex scene is one thing. Deciding to re-enact part of it is pretty cool. Deciding to re-enact part of it with someone who has read the scene... well... let's just leave it at HAVE MERCY and move on. To finish answering the question, I guess it can. I personally think it's much more fun when your writing gets someone else laid!
You've written an awful lot on your blog about tolerance. Are you gay and just in the closet?
Gay, sorry to disappoint but no. Even if I were into men I'm nowhere near pretty enough to get in that club. In the closet, only when my wife locks me in there because she can't deal with my bullshit anymore (usually weekly somewhere around Thursday nights). I do have friends and acquaintances that I greatly respect from a lot of walks of life however. I imagine straight sex is just as confusing to them as the act of gay man love is to me.
So who was the mystery woman who messed you up so bad that you could understand loss for your writing? Was she the one who got away?
First, how do you know there was just one? I've dated and married a few doozies in my life. Two, who says I'm messed up? My therapist is on an NDA damn it! Three, who says she got away? Ever hear of catch and release? Or does ran screaming not count? Shit. By the way, how is your mom?
Why are you such a big fan of lesbians? They show up twice in Bounce.
It's 2012. Why aren't you? (Insert your favorite "Scissor-Me-Xerxes" or clam-wrestling line here.)Seriously, I have no idea where my characters come from. They just show up in my head as they are. I'll let you know next time I get the inspiration to write a well adjusted Franciscan Friar or something. Sadly, I don't think I know any good robe jokes.
Have you considered trying to hire an agent? Why or why not?
Not to belabor the point but I did have several agent experiences early in the life of my second novel. I found that at that time an agent and conventional publishing were not the right routes for me. The primary issue was my desire to not carve up my book into socially acceptable chum. That desire for an agent may change in the future with other projects. I think every author has to make their own call on this issue. Just for clarifications sake, please realize that you don't "hire" an agent. It's a process much like an audition for an acting role except in place of a casting couch they just send you a letter to tell you to go fuck yourself if they don't think they can sell your scribbles.
You have no issue telling people off on your blog. Are you that mean in real life? Do you worry someone will be upset?
Honestly, no I don't think I'm mean in my day to day life. I don't have a problem speaking my mind and that has made life interesting on occasion but for the most part, I'm not an intentional jerk. A close friend once started to nail me with the House Jr. jokes on a regular basis, but I look even dumber with a cane. As far as upsetting someone, I write things on my blog to vent my opinion and on occasion I get a bit vehement. My question is why aren't you expressing your opinion? Stress does kill you know.
I know you just released your first book yet some of your comments make you sound like you've been at this a while. How long have you been writing for real?
I've also somewhat answered this in another post. I started writing short stories in high school and really haven't completely stopped for oh-dear-God twenty years now.
Do you see yourself ever going back to doing something else for a living?
Probably very quickly, depending on how many people read this post.
Well, the well is dry for now boys and girls. For anyone still reading, I think we'll be going back to some good ol' fashioned Rant-N-Roll a bit later this week.
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