Guest Blog: I Hate Men by Anonymous

Today's guest blog is written by a woman that I've been friends with now for over fifteen years.  I haven't spoken with her since probably around last Christmas until about a month ago when I sent out the invitation for guest bloggers.  She emailed and said that she had something she wanted to say but she wasn't sure I would allow what she wanted to say to be put on the blog.  I told her to go ahead and write what she wanted and if there was an issue we'd talk about it.

My friend's email arrived in the wee hours this morning, just as I was finishing my weekly post answering an inane email.  I'm including the post in its original form without any editing whatsoever.  I've never had something I've read break my heart as badly as this did.  As I said I've known this woman for a very long time and always known her to be a vibrant person with a real gift for music.  This both saddens and angers me on so many levels I'm not even sure where to begin.  In all honesty I've strongly considered not even posting it because of what it contains.  However, the purpose of a guest blog, at least here on the CS, is that the writer can say whatever they'd like on any topic, no matter what that may be.  I have to honor my friend's strength in putting something this personal out into the world, particularly with how difficult it must be to live this way.  It's almost nonsensical to want to applaud someone's strength and mourn their tragedy in the same breath, but sadly that's where I find myself. 

All I can really find to say in response to her is thank you for sharing.

First of all, I’d like to say thanks for the chance to share my story.  It is not often that you get a chance to say what you want to without judgment or censoring.  I’m appreciative for this opportunity given what I need to say.

I hate men.  It’s a strong sentiment, I know.  The fact is that I can count on one hand the number of men in my life I can stand being around.  The owner of this blog is one of them.  I’ve known him since college.  In fact, the other three men I can tolerate I met about the same time.

Why do I hate men?  Well, let’s see.  I am a rape survivor.  It started with my uncle when I was young and was continued by other men in my family through high school.  I’d love to say I’m over it but it’s not one of those things you can get by.  Being raped changes who you are as a person. It kills off a little part of the light inside you each time it happens.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar.

But being a survivor is not why I hate men.  Not the entire reason.  What enrages me the most is the sense of masculine entitlement.  Why men feel they can have what they want just because they are bigger, stronger, or louder is simply galling.  I have a boss who thinks that just because he is rich he should get his way.  I can’t stand being in a meeting with him.  Every time he belittles one of our company’s sales people gives me the same feeling in my stomach as if he was forcing me over a table.

The other reason I hate men is that because of them I’m a liar.  You’re probably thinking I’m some militant dyke but actually I’m straight, married, and have two kids.  I dated a woman once and found it wasn’t for me.  One of the reasons I wrote this anonymously is that my husband doesn’t know all of this about me.  I haven’t spoken to my family in twenty years and he thinks they’re dead.  My kids will never know their real grandparents because of the actions of certain men and that no one would believe me.  You probably wonder how I can be married and have sex and kids when I feel like I do.  Men have caused me to be a bitch for so long it’s now part of me.  My husband is thankfully a wuss by nature so the sex thing doesn’t come up much and he gives in to my nagging a lot.  It hurts that I can’t be honest with him. But how do you tell the man that gave you kids you treasure that you hate his existence.  Our kids are the product of two very drunken nights.  I know I’m not a good wife but that I’m a wife at all I sort of think is a miracle.

I’ve lived with this for twenty five years.  I've tried therapy.  I’ve been medicated.  I even got so low before that I started seducing men I hated so I could humiliate them.  Nothing helped.  I still hate men.  I’m writing this because I just wanted a chance to say what’s really in my heart.  I want to get over it.  I want to be a good wife.  I want to love my husband.  I’m tired of living in this hate.  I also want to tell my uncle, cousin, and some others that they should be ashamed.  They took something from me when they hurt me.  They put a hole in a little girl who grew up to be a woman.  All the woman could fill that hole with was hate.  And now, no matter how much she tries, all she can do is hate.  And it’s your fault.  You should be ashamed and hell is too good for you.

Thank you for reading what I have to say.  Maybe just getting it off my soul is what I need to do.  Pray for me if you pray.  Men out there, remember this.  No one at work, church, or in my home knows this about me.  This is my secret.  Think of all the women you know.  Who of them could have a secret too?  Are you making it bad for them too?