Happy New Year!

Happy New Year from The Cynical Sarcastic!

Have a great night tonight, celebrate as hard as you can, do something incredibly stupid, enable your idiot friends, and generate some great stories for the new year!

Thanks again to everyone for their continued support of The Cynical Sarcastic

 and here's looking forward to a great 2013 and at least one new book!

Have a great one!

-Brian

Friday Mail Call, A Day Late as Usual

Now that I can officially say I'm back in the swing of things, I had a couple of emails to the CS over the past few weeks that I wanted to reply to through the blog.  Yes I know it's Saturday and I'm a day late off of the usual schedule but hey, Diners Drive-Ins and Dives was on!

 

First and foremost, I want to say thanks today to all of you that have written emails expressing condolences for my family's recent loss.  I've tried not to make too big of a deal about it online as it is a private, family matter but your messages have meant a lot and are greatly appreciated.  One of the great things about the Internet and how connected we all have become is that you can take a second or two to extend a little humanity, in some cases even to people you've never met, and sometimes those small gestures mean a lot whether you know it or not. So on behalf of me and my family, thanks again.

 

Now on to the email.  This one is from a gentleman named Randy who wanted to know about the process for inspiration for writing. He's just dipping his toe in the water, so to speak, and was interested to know where other writers get their inspirations for story ideas.  Well Randy, believe it or not you timed this email just right because I am currently in the midst of that process myself.  I'm hip deep in the writing process for Hurricane Carolina and over the last few days I've found myself a bit mired down with a general feeling of blah in regards to the story. (Yes, I used the word blah. Nothing more descriptive seemed to come to mind. Let's move on.) At their simplest, at least in my opinion, novels are created by having strong, interesting characters put into captivating situations.  In the interest of brevity, let's just say a number of my situations blew chunks and I was and still am in desperate need of new "material."

 

Part of the issue I'm having with this book is that I created the original idea in 2009 and it has been on slow percolate since. I've literally lived with this book rattling in my noggin for so long now that it's gone a bit stale.  So, mining for ideas, I've gone back to the old picture file, college notebooks, old stories, old friends, television, music, and pretty much anything else that can get ye olde noodle rolling again short of heavy quantities of Jack Daniels.  And there, Randy, is your answer.  Anything and everything can inspire you, but if you're running critically low on ideas and have exhausted everything else, get very very drunk and see what burbles to the top by the time you sober up.  Hey, it worked for Hemingway after all...

 

More to come soon.  Have a great weekend everyone!

Weighing In on the Gun Issue (Finally)

(We probably need the NSFW alert flag raised, just in case.)

What's that they say about a thing of beauty?

Okay folks, I'm not going to make this a long or drawn out thing by any means.  I intentionally put off making any sort of statement about the Connecticut tragedy and the ensuing chapter of the gun debate to (1) most importantly focus on more pressing family concerns and (2) to hear what the NRA had to say in response.

 

Here is my opinion on the whole thing.  Remember this is only my opinion.  The great thing about this country is that you're allowed to have a different one and even disagree with mine. To paraphrase Full Metal Jacket, there are many like it but this one is mine, and it is simply this:

 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

 

This is very simple folks.  NEVER, NOT NEVER EVER NEVER EVER EVER ONCE IN THE HISTORY OF THIS MARBLE WE ALL SCRAMBLE AROUND ON HAS A GUN KILLED ANYONE.  It's the asshole behind the trigger.  You cannot regulate people's actions with gun laws.  All stringent gun control does is give criminals access to superior firepower.  Sorry, it sucks and I wish it weren't that way but it's true.  Case in point: Connecticut has a ban on assault weapons and that batshit taco used one anyway.

 

I have a very simple issue.  When the people with the access to all the guns they want start telling me that I not only don't need them but can't have them, my O-ring gets really, really tight.  But hey, it worked great in Nazi Germany, so why not here as well?  They were such fucking geniuses at everything else, right?

 

Do I own an assault weapon? No. Do I know how to use one? Bet your red, white, and blue ass on it. Why is it important we keep the rights to own one?  It's very simple in my opinion. It's called the Slippery Slope doctrine and the Supreme Court references it all the fucking time.  When you start to infringe on a civil right just a little, the next step becomes easier and easier until that right no longer exists.  True the second amendment has outlived its original purpose, but its modern interpretation is still pretty frequently relevant. 

 

And while we're on the subject of gun laws, here's just a side note on North Carolina's Castle Doctrine as well.  Dramatically oversimplified, it states that you enter my home with criminal intent at your own mortal peril.  Folks, every self-respecting country boy has operated under this philosophy for over a century.  It's about damn time at least one gun law made some form of sense.

 

We live in a dangerous world. Bad exists. We need the ability and right to defend ourselves. If you CHOOSE not to exercise that right that is your decision, but don't take away my right to make that choice.  The same goes for my family and children.  You can be as up with people and there's no such thing as true evil as you want to be but don't you dare tell me that it's "wrong" and "sends the wrong message" to have an armed officer at my child's school.  The message it sends is FUCK WITH THESE CHILDREN AT YOUR MORTAL PERIL SCUMBAG.  Please explain to me how it is wrong for a child to know they're safe at school.  Our heroes in uniform have been doing it for your sorry ass as long as you've been alive, after all.  You just don't see it because they're out defending the borders and fighting the battles so you don't have to. What's wrong is when an overly sensationalized national media uses pictures of dead children to push an agenda that is only really important to them because it helps ratings. 

 

Once again kids we're right back to the sheep trying to defang the sheepdogs. 

 

What is it going to take to open some of these people's eyes?  How many victims that could have been saved will have to be piled on the ground in (child sized) body bags for some of these people to understand that gun rights are a necessary part of our world now.  We can't go backward to some simpler time. I'd love to but we just can't. 

 

Do I necessarily want to live in a country where we all run around with a Glock strapped to our waist like some form of postmodern Dodge City? Not really, but if it cuts down on all the buttheads who think they can rape, rob, kill, and slaughter with impunity and without expectation of immediate response, well to put it bluntly... I'll take the black leather gun belt in size 40, thank you very much.

 

Holiday Observations

I hope everyone has had a great Christmas / Yule celebration.  I wanted to get back online today for the first time in a while and send out a few thoughts on this holiday season.  These are a bit varied in nature and in no particular order as this particular end of December has been a fairly tough one for me and my family.  These are just some random things I have seen or thought of during the last few weeks that I felt bore sharing with you all.

 

1)  In the pagan tradition, particularly in the Norse, Yuletide was a time to set aside any and all animosities between yourself and those who antagonize you.  It was not uncommon to invite a hated enemy to your home under a badge of truce, namely mistletoe.  So in that spirit I made the decision this year to squash a number of old, inflamed, or just generally irritating grudges, squabbles, and or downright vengeful feelings I was carrying around.  To that extent, I thought I'd share a traditional Yuletide blessing with you all:

 

Beneath the tree of light and life,

A blessing at this season of Yule.

To all that sit at my hearth,

Today we are brothers, we are family,

And I drink to your health!

Today I offer hospitality and comfort

To all that cross my threshold,

In the name of this glorious season.

 

There are some additional lines regarding burying their axes in the blessed ground, etc etc, but I think at this point we all get the meaning.  Lyric it ain't, but it makes the point well enough. This is the time of year to set aside the nonsense and try to start fresh.

 

2)  As some of you know my family has recently undergone a major loss with the death of my dad's father at 86 last Wednesday. Among the myriad of things I've learned, seen, and experienced this past week, there are two I want to share with you all.  The first is on truly living marriage vows.  My grandparents were married for 68 years and, part and parcel, were maybe apart for no more than 10 days during that time.  Through good and bad, richer and poorer, hardship or celebration, they never left each other's side.  My grandmother sat in a wheel chair holding my grandfather's hand as he took his last breath on this earth, no matter how hard it was for her.  The next day a friend of mine told me he was filing for divorce because he was tired of his wife's bullshit. I've never wanted to punch someone so badly in my life.

 

The second thing I saw during this time I wanted to share was a true demonstration of faith. My grandparents were/are devout Christians.  When the code was called in the hospital and we knew my grandfather was facing death the pastor asked my grandmother how she wanted him to pray: should he pray for recovery or peace or otherwise?  I will never forget her response: she said that she would not have him pray selfishly but to ask for God's will to be done and for strength for her and her family. It struck me because true faith doesn't seem to exist very much in this world any more and to see someone so strong and secure in their belief in God, even at the very worst of times, was more than moving.  Whether you share the same beliefs or not, you have to admit the power behind it.

 

3) Never in the history of the world has the word family had so many and varied definitions.  Whether yours drives you insane or not, have you really taken a good look lately at who and what it is comprised of? Some people tend to focus on their family in terms of history, not in terms of reality. Are you still so consumed with some nonsense that happened in 1988 that you can't see the human being in front of you? Just food for thought.

 

4)  There is a simple truth about children and noise.  Each child added to the mix really does increase the level of noise by an exponent, not a simple multiplied factor.  Six children under the age of 12 in a confined space may possibly be a cause for deafness, bleeding from the nose, ears, and eyes, and quite possibly male pattern baldness.

 

5)  Our pets can give two shits about Christmas or any other holiday.  It's just one more day of kibble and walks outside that for some reason or another happened to include a new collar and chew toy. They're happy you're there. Period. When is the last time we treated our family that way? 

 

Again, these aren't meant to be profound or to get all Jack Handy on anyone.  These are just simple things that have occurred to me over the last few weeks in regards to the holiday season.

Clucking and Screeching

For those of you out there that are unmarried, pay very close attention.  I'm about to teach you a very valuable lesson.  This... is... how you get yourself in trouble with your wife. (I was going for the Ryan Seacrest American Idol commercial rip there but suddenly found it nearly impossible to convey timing and inflection with punctuation.  Just go with it dammit.)

 

I came to a stark and ultimately hilarious realization this past Sunday.  I was sitting at lunch with my family while my wife and my mother were talking away on some subject that had absolutely nothing to do with me.  I realized that when I de-tuned my ears to the actual words being used that the old joke about the "hens clucking" really is true.  In counterpoint, when a topic came up that was upsetting, the clucking devolved to screeching.  The realization struck me as so funny and I had to fight so hard to not laugh at it that I involuntarily clucked out loud while driving home from the restaurant.  I suddenly found myself having to explain to my wife that no, I wasn't having a stroke. 

 

I'm just an idiot.

 

Don't misunderstand me here; men are exactly the same except we do it with grunts and points.  Tim Allen was not wrong in one iota.

 

As far as the clucking and screeching, well, I'm not even going to take credit for the idea as I'm sure my addled brain ripped it off from somewhere or another. 

 

I'll use that as a point to ponder while I couch surf for the next few nights after my wife reads this... 

It's Been Awhile... (aka Why I Deleted a Book)

I swear one of these days I'm going to end up having to write Aaron Lewis from Staind a check for the sheer number of appropriate uses I've found for the lyric over the last few years.

 

It's been a few weeks since I've posted on either blog.  I'd love to be able to write some overwrought apology for being away or some other equally atrocious pile of Lucas-circa-Episode-One-JarJar-oopsy-poodoo but the truth is a lot more heinous, unfortunately.  I've taken a few weeks away as a time to re-evaluate the work a bit.  After the tryptophan coma from Thanksgiving and the residual birthday cake narcolepsy I was able to slowly digest the newest event in my writing career and attempt to shake it off like an epileptic chihuahua.

 

What's happened you ask?  Nothing earth shattering I assure you but it was enough to create a little pause in the cause.  If you'll remember back several months ago I decided to write a sequel novella to By Design that focused on resolving the plot line for David and his girlfriend Stephanie.  Well, I've been diligently scribbling away and had about three-quarters of the story written, roughly sixty-five pages.  I have a friend in the industry who reads for me on occasion so I fowarded my rough to her for notes. 

 

Her reply was so far past brutal that it passed bamboo-under-the-fingernails several exits back.  Without posting her exact, apparently appropriately profanity laced response, let's just suffice it to say that she stated that if she hadn't read and enjoyed a lot of my other work she would beg me to stop writing and run way to a quiet corner to explore the existential vicissitudes of self-fornication.  Or mime school, whichever.

 

Harsh?  Yep.  Stinging?  Uh-huh. Needed? Definitely. 

 

Without belaboring the point, I've made the decision that, at least for now, I've said all I needed to say about the characters of By Design and am cancelling Puddin' for the foreseeable future.  Hey, sometimes you swing and miss, right?  I think what threw me a bit was that I've now whiffed twice consecutively, once with the Halloween story and now this. 

But, as we've all seen in every bad boxing movie ever made, sometimes you just have to keep standing back up.  Consider this my ass-off-of-canvas post!

And I'm back to work....