I've come to the conclusion that I really don't do all that well when left to my own devices for any substantial period of time. At the moment my wife is away for the second of four weeks in Wilson attending Grooming School with her job at PetsMart. Over the last twelve days or so I've cleaned my house to within an inch of its life, harassed my animals to within an inch of their collective four legged sanity and just generally made a nuisance of myself to my laptop in attempts to string words together into sentences.
Sadly what I'm down to at this point is cooking, cleaning, moderate consumption of alcohol and thinking far too much. So, as a means of annoying everyone equally, here's a few things that have popped into ye olde brain basket over the last few days:
1) It occurs to me that the "me" in my head is pretty much the same critter at 40 that I was at 20. Yes I've grown and (debatably) matured, but for the most part I'm still the same dude. It further occurs to me that I don't really see that changing. If I'm mentally and potentially psychologically the same monkey at 60 and 80 then it kind of takes the "heroics" out of growing older, doesn't it? Essentially you just become the same cat in an ever more decrepit sack of aches and pains.
2) Why did it take a Supreme Court decision to start up the discussion of repealing Affirmative Action? Should using race as the basis of any decision, good or bad, automatically qualify as racism in our modern mindset?
3) Someone in the fast food industry is actually paying attention for a change. Between Taco Bell's breakfast and Chick Fil A's new grilled nuggets I can eat fast food and not feel like Toby the fluffy gut sloth anymore. Rock on sirs.
4) Why do we mow grass but eat weeds?
5) I've come up with a one question test for someone considering adultery: can you bear the thought of your spouse finding out you cheated? If no, then don't. If yes, get divorced or just hide the body and be done with it. See, simple.
6) I realized that I've spent around $1,000 over the last ten years on toys for my largest dog. Tennis balls are 3 for $1 and he loves them like old people love church. I'm a moron.
7) Have you ever noticed that most of the truly ignorant, bigoted, and just generally backward people are also among the most significantly economically disadvantaged? Now I understand how Obama got elected. He appealed to the poor, stupid, and those who just didn't know any better.
8) It's a tough moment when you come to the realization that your gym bag is in such bad need of cleaning that the cats refuse to sleep in it anymore.
9) I now understand that as I've gotten older my tastes in video games has changed. I now only play games that are either well produced, high production value, deeply immersive experiences or brain candy. My tolerances for middle of the road are just gone. And then there's number 10...
10) My wife has been playing South Park: The Stick of Truth lately. I admit to having a bent, twisted, nearly broken sense of humor easily. This game goes so far beyond "holy crap" and takes a deep left at "just damn" that I can't even easily describe it. It's either a work of art or a door pass straight into hell, I'm not sure which. Well done sirs, well done indeed.
And that's all I've got for tonight.
Apologies to Jack Handy.
And anyone else who actually read all of this.
I'll do better tomorrow I swear...
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