Finding Time

Now where did I put that carpenter?...

Well, the second book is officially in the can and things are looking good for hitting the release date this time with few to no snags, thank you to any and all deities paying attention.  That is unless, of course, the review team comes back to me and begs me for the love of all that is holy to delete the book, burn my laptop, and swear never to write again.

Wait, they did that last time.  Okay this time I swear I'll listen better, I promise!

Well kids, it's been a bit since I've had a chance to post, catch up on email, stop myself from running around like a chicken with my head cut off and the like.  I try pretty hard to keep things from going dark on the ol' blog unless absolutely necessary. as most of you know, but every now and then it just comes down to the reality that there are only so many hours in the day.

For today's post I thought I would crib a subject from a writing group meeting I wasn't able to attend.  Maybe we'll just count this as my contribution to the discussion, just extremely after the fact.  Today I wanted to talk about finding the time to write.

We are all busy people, it's a given.  Our modern lives are so hectic that it is estimated that we process anywhere from ten to one hundred times the amount of information on a daily basis than our grandparents did, based on your occupation.  When focusing specifically on writers, or for that matter creative people in general, we have another challenge to add in on top of that day to day pile because we have our lives to lead plus we need to find time to focus our energies on our creative projects.  This, for most of us, is no small endeavor.

I think it's better to focus on personal experience when it comes to this, just like in any kind of "professional" discussion about writing because my experiences and what works for me most likely will not work for everyone. 

So how do I find time to write?  Well, I try to force myself to write, at minimum, a page a day.  Some writers will tell you that they make themselves write for at least five minutes a day, but I disagree with this because I don't think you can really time progress.  Now I will also admit that I type about as fast as I talk so I can feasibly knock out three to five pages in an hour.  Others will take two hours to type a single page.  The trick with it is, in my opinion, all in your prep work.  If you are mentally creating or "chewing" on your character or story or scene or whatever throughout the day then it should be a lot easier to put things on paper when you have the time to sit down.

I'll give you an example of what I mean.  I had my second book finished roughly a week ago but I was horribly unhappy with the epilogue.  I didn't like the way the story wrapped up and how the characters were left at the end.  I was talking with an old friend last week and the discussion reminded me of something that, as it rolled around in my brain, seemed to point to a much better ending my story.  Due to family obligations I was out of town all weekend but I was able to take the time and develop what I wanted for the story in my head over that time.  By the time I sat down to write it was only a matter of putting what was in my head on paper and three hours and ten pages plus editing later it was complete.  Had I put off working on the story until I was actually in front of a keyboard there is no telling how long I would have had to work on it to get it completed.

Finding the time for any creative activity is hard, there's no doubt about it.  It's like anything in life though; if it is important enough to you, you will find a way to make the time.  Honestly, I'll be the first to admit that I get a LOT of writing done after ten p.m. and have been known to bang away on the laptop until sunrise on occasion.  I'll also admit to destroying an entire Saturday working on a story.  I have to admit that since I don't have kids or a full time job currently it is a little easier to get certain things accomplished but the reality is also that whether I'm working or not I do somehow find things that fill up my days fairly radically lately and I fight with finding time to work just like anyone else does.

Lately I've become a pretty big fan of Laurel K. Hamilton, through not only her writing but her blog as well.  She had a particularly good post the other day about finding time to write and the reasons she writes.  She stated that she writes to get the things that are swimming around in her mind out and on paper but that to do so she has to make herself write several pages a day, even when she's not in the mood to do so.  One of the greatest things in her post was the fact that she has found throughout the course of her career that there is a point every night where she finds herself beginning to "over share" in her writing and telling stories she shouldn't.  That's usually her indicator that it's time to step away from the keyboard and put it to bed for the night.  If you're not a fan of Mrs. Hamilton, or not familiar with her work or blog, I definitely recommend you give her a shot.

Well, that's about all I've got for today on finding time to write.  Have fun storming the castle boys and girls and I'll be back again later this week!

An Announcement

It's my pleasure to (finally) announce the formation of a new writing group,

The Raleigh Area Scribblers.

After a few false starts due to scheduling conflicts and the like, our first meeting will be Saturday, June 30, 2012 at 1 p.m. at

the Starbucks on Highway 70 in Clayton.

The meeting should last an hour to an hour and a half at most.

This is primarily an introduction and start up meeting.

Be prepared to talk about yourself, your goals, and your work (gasp)!

We'll see you there!!

About the Scribblers

The Raleigh Area Scribblers is a writer's group that will focus primarily on writers from the Wake and Johnston county areas.

The Scribblers, as a group, is designed as a resource for long and short form fiction writers with an eye to developing their skill sets, completing manuscripts, and pursuing publication.

The Scribblers is designed for monthly meetings with biweekly work sessions in order to fit in with everyone's busy schedules.

The is no size limit set on the group as long as it remains manageable and functional.

Current membership includes two published local authors and two authors whose projects are nearing completiong for publication.

The Raleigh Area Scribblers is open to ALL levels of experience, from abject beginner to accomplished professional.  All are welcome.

Random Thoughts

I'd like to start this entry by thanking the sudden flood of people who emailed me asking if they could be part of the preview group for By Design.  I am only going to be sending out five copies for preview, but I greatly appreciate the show of support from the other eighteen of you.  As far as those preview copies that were supposed to go out by today, well, the last minute rewrite fairy struck unexpectedly over the last two days.  I will have your preview copies out to you all by Friday, I swear.  Hey, when it comes to an idea or five that actually improve the story, you just gotta do what you gotta do. 

For today's post, I thought I'd share several of the random things that have run through my head over the course of the last several days or so.  Hopefully not everyone feels the immediate need to don a "Gallagher Splash Zone"-esque tarp the second they read that last line.

1)  Why is it that success in this world and near hubritic levels of egotism seem to run hand in hand?

2)  There's a great line in the beginning of the movie Tombstone where a man tells Wyatt Earp that he's never met a rich man that didn't have a guilty conscience.  Wyatt tells him he's already got the guilty conscience.  You know if that's all it takes . . .

3)  Overheard on Facebook:  "Money can't buy happiness but it sure is easier to be miserable in a king sized bed than a cardboard box."

4)  Why is it that most people who play Words With Friends tend to max out at three or four letter words?  I played the word 'verbose' and the person I was playing with quit on me. 

5)  Apparently the new definition of 'literate' is 'shoved too many books up their ass as a kid.'  I actually heard this in the grocery store as some charming individual lamented not being considered for a supervisors job and speculated that the person who was hired for the position got it because they read too much.  I gleefully fart consonants in your general direction sir.

6)  Kids really do echo nearly everything that is said to them in some form or another.  It all comes out at some point, whether its verbally, emotionally, or via mimicry.  It's no wonder I fight off the urge to introduce some parents to the business end of a two by four on occasion...

7)   There is a simple way to find anything I've lost in my house:  ask my wife.  I searched for a missing jar of Nutella for over a week, nearly to the point of distraction, to absolutely no avail.  Not only did she know exactly where in the cabinet it was hiding but had seen it there on several occasions.  It's probably going to annoy her eventually but from now on the first words out of my mouth when I lose something will be "Honey have you seen..."

8)  Has anyone else noticed that Drew Carey (The Price is Right) has lost so much weight that he went from looking like the creature that ate Bob Barker to the kid Bob Barker beat up for his lunch money?

9)  TV is about to mess up once again.  The networks et al seem to do this to me about once every four or five years or so and I stop watching TV for a while because of it.  I get in a pattern where I have two or three shows I actually like to watch then some genius development exec gets on a hot streak and suddenly I'm up to five or six.  They truck on along for four or five seasons (or more) then they start to disappear.  House ended this year.  Bones has a season left.  Thank God they renewed Castle, although they could have wrapped it perfectly at the end of last season if they wanted to do so. They cancelled The Finder after a half season, but then again that's what happens when you make an actually intelligent show anymore.  Maybe the cable networks have it right.  Maybe ten or thirteen episode seasons are all we can really handle anymore. Who knows, maybe all I really need to do is just go outside more anyway.

10)  I've been on a number of job interviews lately.  I keep hearing the word 'overqualified.'  The situation reminds me of The Princess Bride and the word 'inconceivable.'  I don't think 'overqualified' means exactly what a lot of these folks think it does.  I'm just sayin...

11)  As tools for procrastination go, blogs are truly a work of art.   

Thoughts On Father's Day

500 Nerd Points if you get this Father's Day Reference

Happy Father's Day to all of the fathers out there.  It doesn't matter if you have had a child, adopted one, or found one in the smoking crater left by its spaceship, you deserve respect for taking on the responsibility of raising a small person.

I'm not yet a father, unless you count fur people in which case I'm on #4, 5 and 6 respectively.  My life as of yet just hasn't produced any little ones.  I joke sometimes and tack on the line "that I'm aware of" to that statement, but personally I think that would be the shock of the millenia to find out there was a kid running around out there that was my fault.  A recent article in the Raleigh News and Observer cited a recent study in which it was found that men who wait until their late thirties and early forties to father children are noted to live longer than those who father children earlier in life, specifically in their late teens and early twenties.  Considering I still want children and I'm almost 40, I must be planning to live to darn near 100 unless my wife and I get going pretty soon.  Then again, there's always Tony Randall as an example.  The man was changing diapers in his seventies.  And they say Viagra is mostly a recreational drug.

I'd like to think that since I began this blog last year I've been fairly upfront with voicing my opinions, for better, worse, or highly antagonistic, on whatever subject without feeling the need to sugar coat.  So, in honor of Father's Day, gentlemen, we need to have a talk.

[Before I even get started I know there are some of you out there that will immediately dismiss anything I have to say because I don't have a child yet and can't possibly know of what I speak.  On some issues, you're right, all I'm going on here is conjecture based on opinion.  However, without going into specific details I will say that I have more experience in the area than I let on...]

It's a beautiful day outside fellas, so pull up a metaphorical lawn chair, crack a beer, and let's hash this out in the back yard like men aught to when it comes to such things.  Boys, there are some of us that just suck at being fathers.  There's no nice way to put it.  Some of us are just bad dads.  The sad thing is, thoes of us that suck at this sacred task know it without being told.  Some of us not only don't have a clue on how to raise a family but could care less about trying to do so.  The hard fact is that there will always be those douche bag dads out there who think it's great to have multiple baby mamas spread out all over the map and treat their kids as an obligation instead of a gift.  It sucks but it's true.

Men, it's not really my intention today to lambast those dick tards.  They know who they are and even though that little voice in their head that screams at them to change is going hoarse on a regular basis, they're going to continue to be the shit stain parents they are and nothing we say or do will fix that.  So why are we talking, then?  Simply put, there is a good sized chunk of kids rolling around with no positive male influences in their lives.  None.  Zero.  Zip.  Nada.  This is a problem we can actually do something about!

Each and every person possessing male genitalia that reads this, father or not, most likely knows a child in their life with less than adequate paternal influence.  Fixing this problem and the horrific fallout it will eventually entail is a very simple matter.  Find a way to spend time with that kid.  Be an influence.  Be a role model.  If anything, listen to them.  Show them an adult that actually gives a damn about them.  If you don't have a kid like that in your life, there are a crap ton of organizations out there that are begging for you to be a volunteer. 

We all like to talk a lot about making the world a better place.  It starts, at least in my opinion, with putting better people on it to begin with and, contrary to what some seem to believe, better people start out as kids that need to be raised properly.  They don't just spring into existence!

Finally, I want to take a moment to acknowledge and say thank you to the three men who gave me good examples of what a father should be as I was growing up.  My father, David Pittman, and my grandathers J.B. Eason Jr. and Rupert Pittman.  Thank you, in this as in many other situations in this life, will never truly be enough.

Happy Father's Day.

One last note as a postscript to those of you that are shitty excuses for fathers and know it:  You have an opportunity, this very second, to change.  That child / those children look to you in ways none of us truly comprehend to give them a safe and happy home and to start them on their way in this world.  It's on you to make the change.  You were man enough to make that child.  Are you man enough to do right by them?

In Response #6: And Then There Were These

In order to wrap up the email responses, I decided to use this post as a catch all for some of the short response questions I've received.  Some of them warrant one or two lines, some barely warrant a response and are just filler, and a couple just cracked me up.  I'm not going to include any names on these but trust me when I say that all of them were extremely appreciated.  It should probably go without saying that most are edited or compressed / cleaned up / whatever it took to get them here. Without further ado...

If people are reading less and less, why write?

Everyone uses the toilet.  You gotta do something in there to pass the time and my book just happens to fit nicely on the back of the tank!  Actually, you bring up a really great point.  Adult literacy rates are becoming something beyond tragic and it gets worse with each passing year.  Here's a thought.  Write so that those around you have to read if for no other reason than to shut you up and make you stop asking them if they read your book yet.  It's my understanding that my father-in-law has read at least part of my book and I can't tell you if I've ever seen the man read anything other than a menu. 

I read your post where you picked on an author for thinking they were hot shit.  Okay wise ass, when is it okay for an author to enjoy their success?

I met Nicholas Sparks a few years ago.  If anyone I can think of in the modern literary pantheon has reason to think he's hot shit, it's that man.  I think the dude could write a short story on partially used Kleenex and sell the screen play right now.  Guess what?  Mr. Sparks is one of the nicest, most unassuming guys I've ever met.  As far as enjoying your success, well by all means go for it as far as I'm concerned.  Enjoy the shit out of it.  Let your pimp up runneth over.  All I ask out of anyone is to keep their perspective.  My little scribbles have sold pretty okay for a self published book which is great but in reality it's nothing in the real world.  My royalties will make A house payment.  One.  Wahoo.  In all seriousness this is the fulfillment of a dream for me.  I'm glad it's become a little minor something and it will be great while it lasts.  (In case you were wondering, the author I was lambasting has a habit of writing obsequiously technical reviews that don't focus on story or characters as much as word count and 'readability.'  Pretty much douche canoe territory.)

What the hell is IMLTHFO?  You use it about once a week.

In My Less Than Humble Fucking Opinion.  And only once about every two weeks, thank you very much.

Why do you think they still teach the classic structure of a novel in schools when no one uses it anymore?

1) To keep high school English teachers employed. 2) To give students a basic understanding of how a story is classically structured in order to recognize what's going on and to enhance enjoyment (i.e. it has a bill, it quacks, it lays eggs, yep it's a platypus! - thought I was going for duck didn't ya). 3) and probably most importantly, denouement is such a cool sounding word and probably the only French I know outside of slightly dirty disco lyrics.

I read somewhere that writers are hyper exaggerative in their creativity.  Do you agree?

My twelve inch dick doesn't think so. (Sorry, sometimes my twelve year old maturity level just can't let it go by quietly no matter how hard I try.)

Do you have to be good in bed to write good sex scenes? Can being a writer really get you laid?

I have no clue whatsoever.  I guess it would go back to the whole idea of practicing what you preach?  I do have one piece of practical advice however: writing a really wild sex scene is one thing.  Deciding to re-enact part of it is pretty cool.  Deciding to re-enact part of it with someone who has read the scene... well... let's just leave it at HAVE MERCY and move on.  To finish answering the question, I guess it can.  I personally think it's much more fun when your writing gets someone else laid!

You've written an awful lot on your blog about tolerance.  Are you gay and just in the closet?

Gay, sorry to disappoint but no.  Even if I were into men I'm nowhere near pretty enough to get in that club.  In the closet, only when my wife locks me in there because she can't deal with my bullshit anymore (usually weekly somewhere around Thursday nights).  I do have friends and acquaintances that I greatly respect from a lot of walks of life however.  I imagine straight sex is just as confusing to them as the act of gay man love is to me.

So who was the mystery woman who messed you up so bad that you could understand loss for your writing?  Was she the one who got away?

First, how do you know there was just one?  I've dated and married a few doozies in my life.  Two, who says I'm messed up?  My therapist is on an NDA damn it!  Three, who says she got away?  Ever hear of catch and release?  Or does ran screaming not count? Shit. By the way, how is your mom?

Why are you such a big fan of lesbians?  They show up twice in Bounce.

It's 2012.  Why aren't you? (Insert your favorite "Scissor-Me-Xerxes" or clam-wrestling line here.)Seriously, I have no idea where my characters come from.  They just show up in my head as they are.  I'll let you know next time I get the inspiration to write a well adjusted Franciscan Friar or something.  Sadly, I don't think I know any good robe jokes.

Have you considered trying to hire an agent?  Why or why not?

Not to belabor the point but I did have several agent experiences early in the life of my second novel.  I found that at that time an agent and conventional publishing were not the right routes for me.  The primary issue was my desire to not carve up my book into socially acceptable chum. That desire for an agent may change in the future with other projects.  I think every author has to make their own call on this issue.  Just for clarifications sake, please realize that you don't "hire" an agent.  It's a process much like an audition for an acting role except in place of a casting couch they just send you a letter to tell you to go fuck yourself if they don't think they can sell your scribbles. 

You have no issue telling people off on your blog.  Are you that mean in real life?  Do you worry someone will be upset?

Honestly, no I don't think I'm mean in my day to day life.  I don't have a problem speaking my mind and that has made life interesting on occasion but for the most part, I'm not an intentional jerk.  A close friend once started to nail me with the House Jr. jokes on a regular basis, but I look even dumber with a cane.  As far as upsetting someone, I write things on my blog to vent my opinion and on occasion I get a bit vehement.  My question is why aren't you expressing your opinion?  Stress does kill you know.

I know you just released your first book yet some of your comments make you sound like you've been at this a while.  How long have you been writing for real?

I've also somewhat answered this in another post.  I started writing short stories in high school and really haven't completely stopped for oh-dear-God twenty years now.

Do you see yourself ever going back to doing something else for a living?

Probably very quickly, depending on how many people read this post.

Well, the well is dry for now boys and girls.  For anyone still reading, I think we'll be going back to some good ol' fashioned Rant-N-Roll a bit later this week. 

In Response #5: Emotional Content

Well, apparently we are going to have a theme for this week's blog posts: responses to email!  While that is perfectly fine with me I will have to warn those of you in my day to day life that this could lead to minor ego inflation which could exponentially increase my wife's need for tolerance and forebearance of my overgrown monkey ass.  Please keep the questions coming though in all seriousness.  Believe me, there's nothing like a twenty year high school reunion to make a brother feel old and tired . . .

Today's question comes from a gentleman named Travis.  Travis has just graduated high school (congratulations sir) and is writing for the first time.  He writes:

"Read your post about music bringing up emotions and stuff . . . why is that important to characters . . . don't quite get what you mean."

{Travis I will first apologize for the heavy editing of your email.  Your message contained a lot of information about ideas you were developing and I try very hard not to put someone else's material out for the general public without consent.  Quite honestly, I think you've got some great ideas there that should lead to awesome stories.}

Okay Travis, before I answer your question let me front load with a bit of a disclaimer.  I don't pretend to be the be all and end all encyclopedia for writers.  I'm so very far from being that it's truly comical.  I can and will only speak from my personal experiences and style.  As I've said before there are a plethora of very accomplished authors out there whose personal blogs I follow for information and advice and I recommend that you do the same as well.  We are all (hopefully) learning and growing in our craft and we all have something to teach each other.  There are also literal tons of books on writing and writing development available at your local library (ahem Cleveland Library) that can help you as well. 

Nonetheless, you did ask the question so I will do my best to answer it.

I prefer to write characters that I have gotten to know.  I want to be able to understand them as human beings so I know who they are, how they think, and how they will respond to situations.  For me, that requires that they have emotions.  Now, unless you are either a complete sociopath with no emotional response whatsoever or empathic and able to understand the emotions of everyone around you, the baseline reference you have for emotions for your characters is you, plain and simple.  Your characters are going to feel what you feel, or at least a version thereof. 

Therein lies the problem, at least in my opinion, for a lot of writers.  You are sometimes limited to your own emotional skillset.  If I have a character that becomes so angry he's ready to Hulk beat some kid for hitting on his wife, I'm good.  I know how that feels.  I can write that.  Ask me to write about the bliss of a sunny summer day as two butterflies play in a field of daisies though and I'm screwed.  The last sunny field of grass image I wrote turned into a character's sex dream.  Sorry, but sunshine and rainbows, well, it's just not me.  I don't "get it" and therefore it's pretty damn hard for me to write.  The same can be said about really foreign emotions as well.  If your character needs to feel something so entirely outside of your frame of reference that you have no clue about it, it's going to require some research.  This is a bit of a spoiler for the new book but I'll go ahead and give it to you because it perfectly illustrates this point.  One of the overall themes in By Design is sexual identity.  One of the lead characters is a dyed in the wool gay woman who falls in love with her male best friend.  First of all, aside from the bad old jokes, no straight man understands what it's like to be a woman, let alone a lesbian.  There are very complicated emotions and life experiences involved to which we have not clue one.  If it wasn't for the advice, candor, and flat out blunt to the point of occasional discomfort honesty of several very good friends I would have been left writing the equivalent of a bad Penthouse forum letter.  Instead their insights allowed me to create a character that has a very rich emotional structure that is also very tortured by who she is and what she wants.  It's that kind of depth that, at least in my opinion, gets a reader involved with a character and makes them want to be part of that fictional world.

Yes, you can write characters without emotional content.  Jeff Lindsay did it wonderfully in Darkly Dreaming Dexter, the novel on which the Showtime series Dexter is based (and I highly recommend you read immediately by the way).  I would hazard to say though that it is infinitely harder to do than you would think.  Can you imagine what it would be like to have no emotional response whatsoever?  Unfortunately it's also not the easiest of things to charge a character or scene in your writing with really powerful emotions either.  Focusing yourself in as a writer on a really tough emotional event and rehashing to the point of essentially reliving those feelings over and over can leave you literally fucked up for hours if not days.  Try explaining to your wife why you're writing with tears in your eyes or so angry you're nearly pounding on the keyboard . . .

To sum it up Travis, I think you've got to pour the emotion into your characters, by whatever means necessary, to make them real to your readers.  Like I mentioned in the last blog post, I used Sarah McLachlan's "Full of Grace" to help me recall a feeling of massive loss to build a final scene in By Design and nearly everyone that reads it tells me that couldn't get through it with dry eyes.  Not trying to blow my own horn at all; what I want you to understand is that the whole object of what we do as writers is to convey the story we see in our head to our readers and let them experience it fully. 

Well, our main goal is that and to make enough money writing to pay the light bill, but I digress.

Hopefully that at least attempted to answer your question.

Congratulations again Travis and good luck.

In Response #4: Music as Inspiration

I received this email while I was in the middle of typing my last blog post.  I thought I'd go ahead and answer it as it's pretty straight forward and thought it might be good to throw a little fan service out there into the universe.

Hi, I have been reading your blog for a while now and wanted to ask a question.  You have said that you use music to inspire your characters and stories.  Can you give me some examples?  Just finished your book btw.  Liked it, hated Mack but I think everyone does. What in the world were you listening to when he popped up? - S. (withheld by request)

Good questions S.  To answer, I'll give you some examples from each book, both current and upcoming.

Bounce::

Mack believe it or not actually wasn't inspired by any particular music other than "You Get What You Need" by the Rolling Stones and that was more of a rip on the original character model.  A lot of the other characters were, however. 

Examples:

The Unnamed Girl at the Halloween Party:  "Bad Medicine" by Bon Jovi

Zombie Girl:  "Talk Dirty To Me" remake by Children of Bodom

Samantha:  "You Shook Me All Night Long" ACDC

Martin:  "Tube of Wonderful" by Dave Pirner

Willetts:  "Jungle Love" by Morris Day and the Time (yes there's a story there)

Cassandra:  "Any Way You Want It" by Journey

Scene with Mack's sister Lina:  "Here's to Us" by Halestorm

By Design

So we don't spoil anything prematurely, here's a list of a few songs that helped with this story.

"Full of Grace" by Sarah McLachlan

"Since You've Been Gone" by Theory of a Deadman

"I'll Be" by Edwin McCain

"Learn to Fly" by Foo Fighters

"Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot

"I Can't Go There" by Kenny Chesney

"Whiskey Girl" by Toby Keith

"Ignition Remix" by R.Kelly

"Broken" by Seether ft. Amy Lee

Hurricane Carolina

Since I'm still in the process of writing this one, here's a selection from my playlist.

"Hurricane" by Theory of a Deadman

"Innocence" by Halestorm (inspired initial short story)

"All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You" remake by Halestorm

"Bet You Wish You Had Me Back" by Halestorm

"Private Parts" by Halestorm

"Bound to Violence" by Hatebreed

"Take it Off" by The Donnas

"Paradise City" by Guns N Roses

"Bad Company" remake by Five Finger Death Punch

""Toes" by Zac Brown Band

"That How They Do It In Dixie" by Gretchen Wilson, Big N Rich, Hank Jr., etc.

"Stricken" by Disturbed

"Possession" by Sarah McLachlan

"A Cross and a Girl Named Blessed" by Evans Blue

"Better Sorry Than Safe" by Halestorm

"Kiss My Country Ass" by Rhett Atkins

"Angel Eyes" by Jeff Healey Band

One thing you have to remember when you use music for inspiration is that you're using it to trigger a memory or an emotion.  For example, "Full of Grace" is associated with the end (at that time) of a powerful relationship in my life.  That feeling of loss and regret was very real and palpable, so playing that song over and over while writing the scene I used it for in By Design kept me in touch with what my characters should be feeling and it became one of the most gut wrenching scenes I've ever written.  (On a side note, I found out about a year after I'd written it that Joss Whedon had used it to score a brutally tough scene in a Buffy episode to, in my opinion, similar effect.)   Another example is Disturbed's "Stricken."  That song was literally part of the soundtrack to one of the wilder nights of my life.  It fit perfectly in Hurricane Carolina.

Hope that answers your question.  Thanks for writing in!

Twenty Years

My High School's logo.  Yes I'm aware it looks like a sperm. Trust me, it always has.

My graduating class from Clayton High School had a twenty year reunion this weekend.  I wasn't able to attend due to a last minute "thing," but due to the miracle of Facebook I was at least able to see who was going and who, like me wasn't able to get there.  Then today, during lunch, I ran into a friend from said class who it turns out lives in town and was at the same restaurant with his very expectant wife and two daughters.  (Congratulations again by the way Dave!)

As I finally sat down at the computer this afternoon I pulled up our modern replacement for the Oracle of Delphi (yep, Facebook once again) and spent a few minutes cyber stalking some old classmates just to see what's been going on in their lives.  Not all that surprisingly most of the goofy guys still seem to be goofy, most of the pretty girls are still pretty, and for the most part the people that I hung around with in high school seem to have gone on with pretty normal lives.

On the one hand it seems like the last twenty years has gone by so very quickly, yet when you stop and take inventory of everything that's occurred since 1992 you have to admit that twenty years has also been a very, very long time.  In my little bit o' stalking today I found out that while I have yet to have a kid (that I'm aware of, no surprises please) I actually have two classmates with kids who have graduated high school already!  How does wow even begin to cover that nugget of reality?

I took a step back in my brain to June of 1992 and thought about my life at the time versus now.  I realized that, outside of my parents and two friends, nearly everyone in my daily life lay somewhere in my future at that time.  In June of 1992 I was getting over a recent break up with a trollop of a girlfriend and was planning a beach trip with my best friend at the time.  I had a part time job and a '79 Buick LeSabre that had survived being rear ended by a tour bus with nothing more than a bumper dent.  I was looking forward to finally going to college in the fall and getting away from home.  I was also really, really dumb as human beings go, but I think that goes with the whole eighteen year old territory.   

My little stroll down amnesia alley today made me understand something, however.  Over the course of the last twenty years I've met and been part of the lives of an incredible cast of people from all over the spectrum of walks of life.  I've always been a scribbler of sorts (if you don't believe me I'll show you the file box of comp notebooks) but I wondered what finally got the pot boiling to get me ready to write novels.  Looking back over the last twenty years I saw that it took until the last year of my life for me to have all the raw material I needed to start that process.  I think somewhere around the ten year point in 2002 I started to realize that I may actually have something to say.  A decade later, well, I've been blathering away on this blog for the better part of a year and I'm four weeks away from novel #2.

So, twenty years have gone by since Clayton High School was handing out diplomas in June of 1992.  Have I learned some grand wisdom to share with the rest of the class?  Hardly, but I do have some really good stories to tell...

It's Preview Time!

I've received a few inquiries asking if there was any preview planned for By Design.  Ever one to cave to the merest appearance of interest and fan support (and yes, simply the idea that I have a fan or two out there is still taking A LOT of getting used to, believe me), I'm going to gladly post the first chapter of the book as an exclusive to my blog readers.

The first chapter is available from the link on the right hand column, just below the Raleigh Scribblers link.  If you haven't been playing along on the home game / reading the blog lately, I'll take just a second to remind you that this book is very different from Bounce and is a full length novel of about 550 pages that marks my first foray into the drama / romance genre.

Those of you who know me personally may actually have read portions of this book in the past.  This particular project was started in 2004 and the first complete version was shopped through a few agents and publishing opportunities in 2005 thru 2008.  After a few less than stellar experiences and attempts at getting it sold, I decided to relegate it as a trunk novel and a passion project that most likely would never see the light of day.  After the amazing reception for this blog and then the reception my first novel received, I made the decision to dust off Nick and Dina's exploits, heavily edit where appropriate, and finally get this thing into the light of day.  Obviously, I owe an enormous thank you to those of you who both inspired me and/or pushed me to bring it to fruition.

As always, any feedback, suggestions, and oh-my-God-what-were-you-thinkings are greatly appreciated.  A note to my friendly neighborhood grammar police:  this first chapter is mostly cleaned up and ready to go but has not been through the final edit pass yet.  If you see any boo boos, please let me know as usual!

Enjoy!

-Brian

Won't This Be Fun...

Temporary Cover Art - I Swear!

As I'm nearing the end of the proofing and editing process for my second novel, By Design, I thought it might be fun to open things up a little to those of you who follow the blog. 

I'm looking for five guest reviewers to preview the book when it is ready to publish,

which should be around June 15th.

The preview process is pretty fun, actually. 

The book will launch July 3, 2012. 

If you preview the book all I ask is that you read the book and post a review on both email back to me prior to June 30th and on goodreads.com after launch . 

There will be several mini-events going on both on goodreads and on the blog in preparation for the launch and the preview will be a part of them.

How do you become part of the preview process?

Simply email me at thecyncialsarcastic@gmail.com and

I will set you up on the list.

It's that easy.

All preview participants will also receive a signed copy of the book upon release.

This is a VERY different book from Bounce.

This is my first foray into the drama and romance genres.

Total length should be around 500 pages.

Here's the (tentative) back cover description:

For Nick Foster and Dina Sheridan, boy meets girl was never going to be simple.

Choosing between who you are and what you want never is.

In Response #3: The Top 10 To Avoid

I received a great email this morning from a really sweet girl I met at Cleveland Library a few weeks ago who is interested in become a writer. In her note, Heather asked what were the biggest things I would tell her to avoid as she is writing and self publishing her first work.

 

 

Okay, first of all, it's not like I'm exactly an expert on the subject. I did only just a month ago get my first project to market. But I will say this however: I wish someone had sat me down and at least gave me a bit of a roadmap many years ago. Not only would I most likely have published sooner but the process wouldn't have been as filled with every flavor of speed bump you can imagine as it was.

 

 

So, in answer to your question Ms. Heather, here are my Top 10 Things to Avoid when writing and publishing your first novel. Truthfully, they're probably all wrong as advice goes, but then again you did ask! (And for all of you non-writers out there, don't give up just yet. Trust me, you will enjoy laughing at me all the way through this...)

 

 

#1: Writing about something you know nothing about.

I don't think better advice was ever given to me as a writer. I was first told this by a high school English teacher when I tried to write a horror short story. I'm barely a fan of the genre, even then, and the story might have been better if I'd written it in crayon and just drawn the pretty pictures to go with. I stick to writing about damaged people and the crazy stuff that goes in their lives. Why? I've been surrounded by them for twenty plus years. The day you see me switch to the happy little faeries that live in the enchanted woods for my characters, well, let's just say you should probably be checking in on me to find out who finally talked me into medication.

 

 

#2: Writing real life.

Here's what happens when you directly write about real life: you upset people. People in general don't want their every little misdeed and exploit captured and displayed for all eternity. Getting sued could be the least of your problems. Upset people tend to own guns. Seriously though, if you're going to use real people or events in your work, make sure you fictionalize the living crap out of them. I'm putting the finishing touches on book #2 now and I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is a LOT of reality used for inspiration. No one in my life is safe from having a part or piece of them or their lives show up in my work. The trick is to tweak it or mask it enough that no one is blatantly the inspiration for anything. As a friend of mine once said: likeness rights are one thing, pissed off spouses are another.

 

 

#3: Not doing your research.

This is a simple and obvious one but it bears stating. If you know nothing about a topic and you are going to insist on writing about it, make damn sure to take the time to do some research. Technically speaking the reader's willing suspension of disbelief hinges on a minimum of distractions from the author such as obviously incorrect information. I read a short story once where a medical examiner was doing an autopsy and reached for a power saw to open the brain cavity. The correct term is autopsy saw or oscillating bone saw. That simple word error pulled me right out of the story.

 

 

#4: Keeping your book the best kept secret, ever.

You're self publishing which means, unless you are stupid rich and can afford to hire a marketing company, you are also self marketing. I started publicizing my book through Facebook and my blog three months (give or take) before it came out. I talked about my little scribbles to anyone that would listen in advance AND I STILL HAVEN'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT! (Much to the chagrin of most people who know me...) Seriously, your success is on you. No local bookstore is going to ask you to come sign books for them. They don't know who you are. You may have literally just written the next great American novel but if you don't get it out there, no one else will. There are plenty of self-published writers out there that have sold twenty copies of their book after two years and won't sell another one because they are out of friends and relatives to pawn copies off on.

#5: Paying zero attention to formatting.

Every single self publishing company has a template available for your book. USE IT FROM THE START. Every ebook company has a guide book out there that will tell you how to format your book for their service. READ IT AND USE IT. Formatting your book for publishing as an actual book is a bit tricky and there are a lot of insider tips you need to know to get it to look professional. Formatting your book as an ebook for multiple services causes cramping and searing sphincter pain if you don't know what you're doing. Trust me, I was beginning to look into a hemorrhoid donut after the third revision for Kindle and there was still an issue with the first release.

#6: Playing it safe

This is just a personal thing for me. There are bookshelves filled to the brim all over the world with 'safe' novels. If you've got something to say, say it. I have a good friend right now who has the unique talent of writing the most deranged and sometimes disgusting things in a way that they become very beautiful. Literally, this chica wrote a scene of disturbingly explicit necrophilia that will bring tears to your eyes as you gag. I wrote a book with a main character that everyone hates. It's selling, even if only so people can read it out of morbid curiosity, but it's selling. Again, if you have something to say in a story, say it and consequences be damned. Just keep it under control...

#7: Using sex scenes for the wrong reasons

Okay, this will make sense to some people and others will just shake their head, laugh, and go back to their best chimpanzee at the zoo impersonation. Unless you're intending to write porn, there is actually a wrong way to do sex scenes. If you're writing a sex scene just to show your main character naked, well, that may be a boo boo. I prefer to use sex as a means of characterization; in other words I use it to show one more side of the character. Other authors use it as a plot point, others will still use it for any number of literary devices like signposts or just basic exposition. The point is that it's nearly expected if you're writing fiction for adult audiences that at some point somebody is probably going to get groiny with someone else. Just make sure there is a reason behind it. Unless of course your name is Tucker Max and then what the hell do I know.

#8: Allowing plot holes to make your story read like a drive by
One thing all of us as writers have to remember is that we already know how the story will end and what will happen along the way. The reader does not. Plot holes, or referring to things that have yet to happen in the reader's experience or things that the reader will never see, are quite literally the potato thrown in the soup bowl. I run into this problem personally on flashbacks. My second book is a particular challenge because it bounces from the present to background stories constantly. Trust me when I say that the first draft was so full of holes that it read like a collander after it was introduced to the business end of a shotgun.

#9: Forgetting your target audience
Every book is written with a target audience in mind. Sometimes it's a given thing and sometimes you have to think a bit about who you intend to read your work. For example, if you're writing a religiously themed novel you may want to avoid profanity. Graphic depictions of defecation do not belong in a children's book. You get the idea. The trick is to try to push said envelope within what your audience will enjoy. The best example I can give you on this is to look at the current runaway success of Fifty Shades of Grey. Talk about not forgetting your target audience!

#10: Forgetting you are still new at this

This is honestly the hardest thing for me. I did it once, so I should now be an expert at it, right? Oh God could that not be more wrong. The one thing you have to remember is that there are always people out there infinitely more experienced at what you're doing than you are and most of them are happy to be resources for you. The only way to make use of the knowledge and experience of others is to ask. Or you could do it the knuckleheaded way like I did and go online and dig for a lot of info yourself. And waste days. And days. And you get the idea.

So, there you are Ms. Heather. My ten pitfalls to avoid as you're getting started. Hopefully there's a bit of good to be gleaned there. I do have one recommendation for you that I have to say is almost more important than anything else. Get involved with a writers group. You need to surround yourself with people that are your peers in this endeavor because, unless they are published authors, your friends will know jack shit about how to help you along. There is a level of support and flat out help available when you are part of a group that you will not find anywhere else. I'm part of two groups right now and there's no telling where that will go in the future. Look online at meetup.com to find writers groups in your area, check out college campuses, and even check out your favorite writer's blogs. They may even have links to resources and their groups as well. Hint Hint.

I Heard A Rumor...

I hope everyone has had a great weekend!

I heard some very interesting new author and release rumors this weekend
and I thought I'd share . . .

  #1:  The first novel from Tatum Radcliffe, Momento Mori,
should be ready for release in July.
I'm personally looking forward to this one!
Tatum is a new author in the Raleigh area in the vein of Poppy S. Bright. 


#2:  The currently untitled project from Brandon Stoops of

"Big Is The Best Costume" guest blog fame, co-authored by your's truly,
should release in early to mid July. 
What's it about?
Powerlifters, flower shops, and bulldogs oh my!


#3:  My second novel, By Design, is progressing toward a late June / early July release as scheduled.  I've also added another "in progress" project to the teaser list on the side panel of the blog:  a novel tentatively entitled Soul Mates.

Looks like it's going to be a BUSY summer!!

The Writer's Dilemna

...

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

Each with a buck and a quarter.

Jill came down with $2.50.

-Andrew Dice Clay

You're probably wondering why, other than boredom, would anyone put a Dice Clay nursery rhyme side by side with a quote from Robert Frost, one of the most venerated poets of our time?  Yeah you got me, it was boredom.  Well okay to be honest there is a point hidden in there as well, probably somewhere behind Jill and her newly earned $1.25.  We'll get to it in a minute, I swear.

I had a very interesting conversation during dinner last night with a younger guy who wants to begin writing sci-fi novels.  His ideas were some of the best compilations of stock and trade sci-fi standards I've heard in quite a while.  They were all retreads, albeit bright shiny sparkly retreads, but retreads nonetheless.  Granted mind you that there's nothing wrong with that as it happens every day and sells like crazy.  I didn't want to rain on the kid's parade so I let him continue telling me about his characters and settings while random references to Douglas Adams and Joss Whedon and mid-seventies DC comics and Ray Bradbury and Ridley Scott populated the back of my mind in a near dizzying orgy of homogenized and rehashed angry face-hugging ideas.

Then it happened. He hit upon something original. 

This guy has a brilliant character idea floating around in all of that sea of once-more-into-the-breach-standbys and it is awesome.  This character has enough flamboyancy, believability, and just left of center outlandishness that he could carry an entire story AND IT WOULD BE AWESOME.  This character is unlike anything my raging nerd brain has ever heard of in the realm of sci-fi and I would line up to watch a movie based on it if the script was written in crayon.

Unfortunately, for this budding padawan writer this is a second tier supporting character meant as some form of comic relief to his main protagonist, a man who may have been the outcome of that one time in band camp when Han Solo and Chewie gang banged Ripley from Alien and used "Game Over" Hudson as a surrogate to carry the baby.  The problem here is that the writer has already made a choice, good bad or indifferent, and is hell bent on proceeding down that path.  The sad thing is that he has a nugget of true genius in his grasp and refuses to see it.

I think one of the biggest challenges any writer must contend with is whether or not to listen to that little voice inside their head (as opposed to the louder ones that they pretend are just their imagination running wild) that tells them something is wrong with their project.  I like to refer to it as the Writer's Dilemna. 

I had a really personal experience with the Writer's Dilemna while working on Bounce.  The novel was completed back in early March of this year and I deeply, madly, and truly hated it.  The book sucked on a level that made me get sleepy reading it out of self preservation.  I couldn't stand it and I WROTE THE DAMN THING.  I put it on ice for a week and tried to work in another direction to see if I could make a decision on what to do with it before I flushed a six month project.  My Writer's Dilemna was down to scrap or start over and scrap was way out in front on the polls.  Strangely enough I came up with the idea during that week to allow the main character to tell the story instead of telling it for him.  What I came up with is 146 pages of rambling from a self-indulgent, depraved, sardonic, vulgar asshole with no regard for those around him and no redeeming qualities.  Reviewer after reviewer has decried how much they truly hated the character... and yet copies are still selling.

Writer / blogger / showrunner Ken Levine spent a great deal of space on his blog several months ago about the trend in Hollywood toward the anti-hero and how the viewing public seems to now be craving flawed figures as their leading roles.  I have to agree and let you all in on a secret as well:  I created the Mack character and I can't stand him either!!  The funny thing to me is that as the reviews come in people in general not only don't like the guy but keep turning pages to see how far he can fall.  I think it goes back to the Robert Frost vs. Dice Clay portion at the beginning of the post.  A lot of writers, including myself on most occasions, tend to head down the Frost path and write more socially acceptable literature.  In this particular case I rolled the "Dice" and let a real jackass loose on the page.  While the results were mixed, after all the book hasn't crapped out nor has it blown up past marginally successful self publishing standards, it generated a response in those that have read it and after all that's all most writers are really after anyway!

So, for the other writers out there facing their own Writer's Dilemna on their current work, all I can leave you with is this: be willing to go back to the beginning if you need to, don't be too afraid of going for it and seeing what happens, and be willing to learn from it if the experiment goes sideways.

That and NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER consciously let a character that you know the world is going to hate try to ride roughshod over your narrative.  I have already sworn to whatever writer's deity is paying attention that I will not repeat my mistake and I'm sure you don't want to join me.

Then again . . . you could always look at the work of my favorite poet, e.e. cummings.  The man deplored convention, butchered the rules of punctuation, and was known for equal parts poetry, erotica, and novels that made F. Scott Fitzgerald ( The Great Gatsby ) actually consider quitting the writing profession.  In a number of circles he was considered what we now would see as equal parts of the Frost / Clay equation.  I wonder what his Writer's Dilemnas were like...

I leave you today with my favorite poem from e.e. cummings, "Somewhere I Have Never Travelled."

If you'd like, feel free to discuss your own Writer's Dilemnas in the comments below.



somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands     
- E. E. Cummings

       


Congratulations - It's A Boy

Please join me in congratulating

Eric and Cheri Jones

on the birth of their son

Brandon Joseph Jones

today at roughly 5:30 p.m.

9 pounds, 22 1/2 inches and redheaded like his dad!

The Perfect Circle by Nicolle Morock

Happy Memorial Day boys and girls! 

I wanted to take a moment and pass along a quick recommendation for Nicolle Morock's book The Perfect Circle.  The book is available on Amazon, Kindle, Lulu.com, and all the other usual places.

Nicolle is a Raleigh area writer, blogger, paranormal investigator, and if you follow her Facebook posts may be busier than any other human being I've met in quite a while.

Make sure you take a few minutes to check out her book and show some love to another of our area scribblers!

I'm posting my review for her book on both Lulu and Goodreads.  Be sure that once you've read it you do the same!

Have a great afternoon and don't bust from the barbecue!


Review from Goodreads.com (4/5 stars)

Have you ever had a good experience that you knew could have been amazing?  That was my reaction to The Perfect Circle.  Nicolle Morock’s supernatural investigation story left me feeling as if I had been on the guided tour of a theme park but couldn’t ride any of the rides because the lines were too long and the tour bus was leaving in five minutes. 

First and foremost the story itself is driven by a classic ghost story of a love triangle gone wrong.  The narrative is driven strongly by dialogue with just enough exposition to keep things moving without bogging the reader down in details.  Rose, the protagonist, is the most well rounded of all of the characters the author presents the reader with over the story’s arc.  Rose spends a lot of her time in her own head, either in memories or visions, which lend a lot to the story.  She also has a tendency to talk about her life and experiences a bit too openly to complete strangers, but it’s crafted in such a way that it moves the plot along nicely without breaking believability.  I liked the way the author used the hawk sightings as sign posts to let Rose know when she was on track toward solving the mystery behind her visions.  I also enjoyed the way that Rose immediately immersed herself in the people around her and wasn’t aloof.  It lent a lot of credibility to her both as a character and as a paranormal investigator and collector of stories.

My two issues with the book are pretty simple and while they were distracting, they were not so major as to destroy the story.  The first is the fact that all of the major characters, when compared to Rose, are merely set dressing.  It’s as if the author created a great character in Rose and gave her paper dolls to play with.  I think this is part of why I said I was left wanting more.  Logan, Joseph, and Hale in particular, had the author given us more of them and their stories, had all the makings of great characters that were left unrealized.  My second complaint was with the relationship between Rose and Logan.  I could never buy into the fact that they were anything more than travel companions and bedmates.  They never “felt” like a couple and even though the author did a great job of filing in the gaps with explanations why the relationship was so casual I felt like it damaged the story because the lack of intimacy made his explosion at the climax of the story a bit contrived.

The Perfect Circle is a good ride but leaves the reader wanting just a little bit more.  The story is solid and even with a few minor distractions Rose’s quest through South Dakota is still a satisfying experience.  All said, I would definitely recommend the book and  it has me looking forward to the next work from this author.



Memorial Day Moment

As we enjoy our family and friends on this Memorial Day,

please take a moment to remember that the roots of our freedom

are nurtured by the sacrifices of our soldiers.

Take the time today to say Thank You.

Entitled to Your Entitlement

Happy bright and shiny Saturday morning to all my fellow premature curmudgeons.  Yes, contrary to that ever popular debate, that big yellow ball in the sky, you know the one OUTSIDE, is actually good for you.  Hopefully over this holiday weekend we will all pull ourselves away from our computer / tv / xbox  / whatever else has us chained to the couch (unless of course that thing is another person who wants to touch your no no parts, in which case all I can say is good for you, be careful chains can pinch, and what the hell are you doing still reading this drivel?!) and go out and enjoy some of the bright sun-shiny goodness. 

Yes I used 'shiny' twice in a paragraph.  I went to sleep last night watching Firefly.  Deal with it.  I'm a grown man and if I choose to browncoat myself into oblivion this weekend it's my perogative.

Before I drag myself to the gym today and do something so unspeakably retarded and exhausting that I don't have the energy to type later, I thought I'd jump in the kiddie pool and splash some water on a few of the self-important, hyper-entitled douche burgers that have been fuckin' up my picnic over the last few days.  Granted there's more of them than ants on an abandoned remnant of Lil' Debbie resting on a fat kids stomach as he open air bakes during a food coma, but I think I'll swat at them just the same.

That's right kiddies, it's time for a rant.  One of these days I swear I'm going to get theme music.

Dear Princess Tub-o-Lard who doesn't want a library card because part of the library isn't air-conditioned:  I am so very sorry that your fat greasy ass is too sensitive to the heat to wait ten minutes while Stay-Puft Jr. peruses the kids' section for something to read while he eats his gravy covered frito pie after school snack this afternoon.  Trust me sweetheart, natural fibers have a built in wicking action that will pull some of the sweat away from your crumb encrusted and gravity riddled excuses for tits.  That polyester / spandex / bad intentions mixture you're currently corralling your heftier-than-my-ass girth with probably isn't the best choice for a hot day.  Of course, neither is leopard print for any day, but I digress.  Tell you what sweetheart, how bout you stop expecting everything to be paid for by someone else, get off foodstamps, get a damn job, and be able to afford not only some slightly more intelligent sartorial choices but the three goddamn dollars a month it takes for your kid to use a library less than a mile from your house.  Wait, that would require giving up a box of twinkies a month for your child's well being, now wouldn't it?  Sorry, what the fuck was I thinking...

Dear I Wish I Was Paris Hilton When Someone Still Thought She Mattered:  Do you realize that your trampy ass logic of "I'm pretty therefore men should give me what I want" holds just as much merit as "I'm ugly therefore people will give me cheese" when you remove the "they want to fuck me" factor from the equation?  I say this because I have seen you and your ilk scampering about in droves lately and I'm really getting tired of it.  Yes you're pretty and you have money because Daddy does and he's paying for your tuition and your Audi and your implants and whatever else he's doing to make up for the fact that he accidentally stuck his thumb in your ass while changing your diaper, but when it all comes down to it you and most of your friends are vapid pieces of shit that are spending the better parts of your youth as cum catchers.  No one keeps the girl that lets them go ass to mouth honey, I hate to spoil it for you.  So how bout you quit your bullshit, cover up your little store bought titties, and attempt to be a worthwhile human being for a fucking change.  Then maybe the quality guys will stop laughing at you and take you seriously enough to take home to mom.  Just don't tell her about the ass to mouth thing, okay?

Dear I Wrote a Book and Now I'm Special:  Yeah, you wrote a book.  Congratulations on having a dream and following through with it.  The great news is that your tome (or tomes) of awesome means that you are now part of literary history.  You have just as much right to bookshelf space as all of your contemporaries.  Maybe just not quite as much space on the shelf as you think you do.  I have some news for you folks who believe you are the second coming of "the shit" because your little mind birth sold thirty five copies in a year.  There are roughly three million of us scribblers out there.  Some are successful, some are just struggling, and some are clueless.  You did something awesome BUT NOW your bullshit attitude that you are better than others has totally ruined your stock with a lot of people.  Have you noticed a sudden withdrawl of friends since you decided that since you are an Author you now have the ability to talk down to or about others?  Is it suddenly very lonely in that rarified space you share with the ghosts of Poe's quill and Heminway's cigar butts? Do ya think it might have anything to do with the fact that you've become a raging jackass of late and all anyone wants from you is the quiet that the negative space you used to occupy provides?  I wish you all the success in the world but remember that you have to be a worthwhile fucking human being first and foremost.  Assholes tend to deal with a lot of shit, or did you forget that?

Dear I'm Rich / An Elected Official / Someone's Kid / Etc.:  I had something eloquent prepared for this particular glob o' tard but let's be real for a moment.  All they're worth is a collective FUCK YOU and GET OVER YOURSELF.  A fat bank account or a sweet job or an influential family doesn't mean that you can't get knocked the fuck out for being a raging tool box.  All that money, power, and influence should mean is that you have an increased responsibility to look out for your fellow man.  Well, it would if you worth more as a human being than the bag of goo that shot forth from the unfortunate creature to birth your ass shortly after your measly carcass starting screaming for oxygen and Gucci diapers.  I know far too many of these self important dick trickles that would rather sit home and count their money or blow it on bullshit than do something productive like create jobs for the over ten percent of the citizens of this state without one right now.  I swear to God some of these folks need to stop taking the gear shift of their Ferrari up the ass on a boring Saturday night and start paying attention to what's going on around them.  The world sucks, you dillwads have the opportunity to do something about a small corner of it, and yet you'd rather hide out with your buddies than fight through the hangover and see what's right outside the front door.  Time will change and guillotines suck my friends, although I doubt most of the rednecks you laugh at will have the thought to be that elegant when shit and fan become intimately acquainted.

And Finally, Dear Wise Ass Cashier:  It doesn't matter where you work, I've seen plenty of you this week.  I'm a fairly intelligent human being.  In fact, I actually write for somewhat of a living.  IF I NEED A PITHY ONE LINER TO COMPLIMENT MY PURCHASES AT YOUR ESTABLISHMENT I WILL WRITE IT MY FUCKING SELF!  Dear sweet fluffy God am I tired of some moron whose sphere of reference stops at whatever joke they saw last night on the Venture Brothers trying to verbally poke at me because they're bored and hate their life.  I had to run back to a local grocery store yesterday after an earlier trip because I forgot a few critical items, namely caffeine and lightbulbs.  Trust me, hyper and darkness do not mix well.  The smarmy little shit running the scanner better than any trained monkey I've ever seen engages me in banter then says something to the effect that I'm back again in less than an hour.  All I could think to say was "and yet you're still here..."  Believe me, when I go to McDonalds and decide to abuse the $0.79 cheeseburger priviledge, I'm aware that twenty burgers is a large order.  Please stop making me feel like Bill Fucking Engvall every single goddamn time I pull up to the window by asking me if all that is for me.  Open your eyes you stoned at an embarassing early evening hour shit!  Do I look like Buddha and Ganesh had a fucking blubber baby? (Stop right there, I'm just big boned and fluffy dammit!) Does it look like somebody poured Pizza the Hut inside the cab of an F150 and rolled his drippy ass up to your window?  Then stop asking stupid fucking stoner questions before I have to decapitate you with "your sign."  And finally, yes I fully comprehend the fact that 6'8 1/2" tall and somewhere near 300 lbs is large for a human being.  I get it.  Your random exclamations of "God you're tall" et al are as necessary as me asking you how the Lollipop Guild's dental plan is going.  Why does my size seem to startle you when I approach your register when your stupidity ceased to be of note to me long, long ago?  Actually, I take that back.  I'm continually amazed by your stupidity.  Never mind, carry on.

Pant - pant - wheeze - gasp - cough - inhale - and - sigh.  Woo - sah....

Okay, I'm better now.  Who wants waffles?