Mommy Porn

Don't Panic!

This post is totally safe for viewing at work, well, as safe as any of my posts are at least. (And yes, I ripped the pictures from Amazon, so consider credit given.)

I took a few days off from posting after an exhausting week of publishing a book and getting violently disappointed with North Carolina politics but now I'm back and ready to roll.

Let's wade right in this weekend with the issue of Mommy Porn.

For those of you who may be cringing in apprehension, no I'm not going to delve into the erotic connotations of the Time magazine cover this week that shows a woman breastfeeding her three year old.  To borrow a line from my nearly five year old niece: "That's just eww.."

No today I'd like to discuss the growing brew-ha-ha surrounding first time author E.L. James and her Fifty Shades Trilogy.  For those of you unfamiliar with controversy, Mrs. James is a former television executive and mother who wrote a fairly faniciful little three volume story that chronicles the relationship between a young girl and her domineering boss.  The books contain a pretty strong degree of erotic content and there are some highly explicit scenes of BDS&M depicted.  Normally you would expect these to find their way to the bargain bin in the erotica section of your local Barnes and Noble but, wait, there's a twist!  These books are currently the top three spots of the New York Times best seller's list and are being gobbled up by their target market segment like hotcakes. Dutifully thankful husbands are commenting online that they have driven hours around cities to find the second and third titles of the series after the wonderful effect the first one had on their wife. Mrs. James publisher has subsequently flown her to the US to do a multiple stop major city signing tour and the press circuit. Hell, even the movie rights to this hot potato have already been sold. As a first time novelist whose own work has outsold any of his initial expectations, I can only imagine the elation Mrs. James is feeling right now as her success spirals exponentially and I wish her the absolute best of luck. I think it's truly awesome for a rookie to come out and blow the doors off like that and I'm glad she has garnered the reception she has to date.

So where's all the controversy coming from? Libraries of all stupid places! The Fifty Shades Trilogy is being banned by a number of library systems throughout the country. Obviously the publisher has issued public statement after public statement denouncing the various bans and subsequently this has done nothing but fan the flames on sales.  If you google the phrase Mommy Porn right now you'll get links directly to the whole controversy from CNN, FoxNews, et al.  So what's the big deal, you ask? The issue isn't that the books are being banned, it's why they're being banned that's just absolutely ludicrous.  If you'll remember, it is no longer legal in most states to ban a book based upon the legal concepts of prurient interest or violation of community standards because those have been proven to be highly fluid concepts within any given community.  For those unfamiliar with the term, prurient interest is defined as a "morbid, degrading, and unhealthy interest in sex, as distinguished from a mere candid interest in sex." You have to give the Supreme Court credit; they occasionally get one very right.  The fun part is that since those old ultra-conservative standards for banning a book aren't in play any more in most of these areas, some of these granny-panties-in-a-bunch dicktards are choosing to ban based on the criticism that these books aren't well written.

Let me slow that down for those who may be skimming to the parts where I lose my composure over something and hit that one more time.  The reason a number of library systems are banning E.L. James' work is that it is not very well written, in their opinion.

Pump your brakes, pull the hell over, stop the car, get out and physically throw yourself in front of the next oncoming bus you heaping helping of dumb shit taco.  WHAT THE BLEARY EYED HELL GIVES A LIBRARIAN THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT IS AND IS NOT WELL WRITTEN? (In case you were wondering, that's when I lost my composure.)

Kids, I volunteer with Cleveland Library several days a week.  I literally touch five hundred or more books on a daily basis.  I also consider myself to be fairly well read over the course of my lifetime. I spend large portions of my days at the library discussing the merits of this book or that author with a number of people. During my time as a reader I have developed my own opinions about what makes a well written book and what does not, as I am very sure most of you have done similarly.

Does this make me a librarian? Does this magically grant me a degree in library science?

No, it makes me a critic. Pure and simple. 

Folks, I don't know about you but if I had to walk into Cleveland Library's adult fiction section and begin to clear out titles based solely on the merits of whether or not they were well written, just ... well... damn. After you figured out what standards to use to determine "well written" you'd probably be down to the fiction everyone lists as "Literature" and maybe a few masterworks written by the seminal geniuses of our time.  Sorry Janet Evanovich, your Stephanie Plum books may be funny as hell and total brain candy but you suck as a technical writer so therefore you and all your millions sold go on the burn pile.  My apologies Elmore Leonard but your work, which has not only set sales records but been the basis for over ten movies and several television shows, doesn't contain a single technically perfect novel and must therefore be dumped in the nearest refuse facility.  Hell, these knuckleheads probably want to flay Stephen King and George R.R. Martin alive and burn them on a pyre of their own books just because they caused them nightmares.

I have read all three of Mrs. James' books.  If that's "badly written" then what the hell am I doing even bothering to try.

And now we get to the Mommy Porn part of the whole issue. My simple question to these dumbass buttnuggets is this: have you actually LOOKED AROUND in a library lately and seen what's really in there? I hate to have to knock the dust out or off of these morons' collectively unused sexual organs or anything but for chrissakes there are erotically themed books in the INSPIRATION section. That's right princess Hanes Her Way with the festive little flowers, Tim LaHaye, you know the guy who wrote the Left Behind Series that somehow resurrected Kirk Cameron's acting career, wrote two sex manuals with his wife and they are technically listed under the same section in the Dewey system as the books that make you feel all fluffy inside because Jesus told Maribeth to save a kitten. A majority of public libraries carry the collected works of Poppy S. Brite.  This individual may actually hold the record for single serving size containers of fucked up consumed and publicly acted upon in one lifetime and yet their work is just fine for the stacks. And please dear sweet Lord forgive me but PLEASE DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE SHELVES UPON SHELVES AND RACKS UPON RACKS OF BODICE RIPPING-HORSEBACK RIDING-CHEST BARING-CLEAVAGE EXPOSING-FABIO HAIR ENDORSING DRIVEL THAT HARLEQUIN FUCKING ROMANCE PUTS OUT EVERY DAMN DAY!  I'm sorry but when you start talking some bored housewife who feels the need to dry hump the laundry equipment because her husband is boinking the nanny, I'm willing to hazard the guess that Harlequin's bullshit is what she's holding in her other hand most of the time and not Fifty Shades of Grey. (Of course, from what I understand, that may be because it inspires activities requiring both hands but I digress.)

Mrs. E.L. wrote three books about a young girl in a twisted romance with a man who likes to dominate her, tie her up, and put his winky in her little no-no parts when its not exactly socially acceptable.  I CHALLENGE the people that call that Mommy Porn to read Anne Rice's (as A.N. Roquelaure) Sleeping Beauty series or for that matter Exit to Eden. Even The Story of O, which is considered to be the cornerstone book of modern BDS&M literature, is listed in most public libraries. But no, let some housewife from Hoboken show up for a book signing wearing a handcuff bracelet because a book helped her get her freaky back just a bit and Katie-bar-the-door-the-heathens-are-coming are we gonna try to ban that shit!

The reality of it all is that in most cases the whole banning argument is little more than a publicity stunt and we all know it.  The sad thing is that there are those out there who take these issues as an opportunity to do real damage to their communities by trying to force narrow minded idealogies on those who don't want or need to live by them.  I was honestly never more proud to know the Director of Cleveland Library, Ron Still, as when we concluded our discussion of this issue the other day and he promptly began shopping online to find where the best prices on a set of E.L. James' books. It also turns out that the Clayton Public Library has acquired a set as well. I would have never thought it but it apparently turns out that it requires a certain measure of audacity (read balls) to run a library in this day and age.  To both I say Bravo Sir!

For the life of me I still cannot understand why we even consider banning books.  It's as outdated an idea as foot binding and yet it just won't go away.  So, for my part, I'm asking all of my readers to run out and purchase all three of E.L. James' books.  Do your part!

Don't just take my word for it.  You can always go by comedian Bob Saget's review of the books:  "They're great ... I couldn't put them down, but that's because my hand was stuck to the pages."