Duck Diving in a Sea of Change

Hi again from the moving process!  Due to some time constraints this evening I'm going to keep this post short and sweet, I swear (stop rolling your eyes Ben, we can all hear you!).

During this whole process of finding a job and having to rapidly relocate my life 120 miles eastward, it's become painfully evident to me how people are just not wired all that well to deal with sudden change.  I've moved on very short notice more times than I want to count in my life, but that's what you get when you're a career retail management monkey.  You just get used to it, much in the same way that military families do.  It never gets to be fun, believe me, but you get used to it just the same.

Where I'm quite honestly a bit flabbergasted is how I see those around me going through minor changes in their life and blowing them completely out of proportion.  My wife and I are overhauling everything in the course of two weeks and yet we seem to have been able to keep it mostly together and accomplish what needs to be done even though we're two hours apart.  On the flip side of that coin I see other people in screaming matches when a babysitter cancels and the husband needs to pick the kid up for a change.  

I just don't get it.

Change is a constant part of our human existence.  It's as immovable and unyielding as stone and will pound your just as flat as an ocean wave if you try to stand against it.  It basically comes down to a choice: you can man/woman up and accept what life has thrown at you or you can throw a fit like a child and whine about it.  That's where the whole duck diving part comes in.  If you've ever tried surfing, even once, someone tried to teach you how to duck dive to help you navigate the oncoming waves.  The same concept works with change in your life.  Sometimes you just have to bear down, push through it, and get on to the better things that await you.

So, to those of you that need to hear it, BUCK THE HELL UP LITTLE CAMPER!

Enjoy your week, more to come once I find somewhere to put all these boxes!

We've Moved!!

Well kids your buddy the CS has done the unthinkable...

I GOT A JOB!

The great thing is that I'm back working with a former employer and the job is awesome.  The only downside, and it's just barely a downside at that, is that I have to abandon good ol' Raleighwood and move to Morehead City. 

I haven't been able to post during the last week or so during the transition but, now that we are in the short rows I should be back on a normal publication schedule.

Talk to you all soon!

Thanks For Rattling My Cage

Good morning all.  Before I ramp up the howitzers here, I need to catch you up on a little behind the scenes goings on...

After yesterday's post about religious effluvia on social media, I received a rather profane email from an apparently highly upset Scientologist who demanded to know why I seem to take exception to their faith as being nonsensical and make it the butt of jokes when I'll take any other faith seriously.  Ignoring the fact that they obviously didn't read but maybe the last third of the post, I moved forward and replied very politely that I'm sorry if they took offense but that maybe this was an opportunity for them to explain their faith to me and essentially solve my major issue, i.e. that it just doesn't make sense to me as I understand it.  I essentially begged them for a response and even offered to post what they sent me in the spirit of fairness.

Well, I got a response.

And it was golden.

True to my word, I'm going to re-post exactly what I was sent to me this morning.

"The tenets of our beliefs are for the members of our faith alone.  Fuck you."

Really...

As you can imagine it took me a few minutes to dry my eyes as I wept from uncontrollable laughter.  That response was truly a classic, I have to give it to this individual.  Truly classic.

As I understand it, distant millennia ago, the spirits of evil alien beings were condemned to our planet.  These evil spirits inhabit all of us and cause us to do evil.  The only way we can be free of these influences is to take part in audit training and purification of our lives.  All those who oppose the church are infested with evil and are bad influences.

It took me about five minutes to find that online.  Exactly what I already knew about the faith and NOW, MORE THAN EVER, IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE WHATSOEVER.

Maybe I'm not supposed to get it.  Maybe I'm too filled with evil alien ghosts.  Maybe I forgot to give all my money to the church so good ol' Maverick can fight off the evil aliens for me.  Maybe I forgot to wear a hat made out of macaroni and tin foil while marching around downtown Raleigh naked with a broomstick up my ass and attempting to use my own penis as a slide whistle on which to play the opening stanza of Amazing Grace.

All I can say is Holy Operating Thetan, Batman! There are robes aren't there?  Somewhere in all this giggleshit you oppressive buttplugs try to pass off as a faith there are ominous colored robes that you have to wear over a rubber diaper.  Come on, be honest.  Do the electrodes hurt?  I'm only asking because the only thing I can think of that can cause such hardcore rampant stupidity is good old fashioned electro-shock therapy.

Once again let me state that I firmly support everyone's right to practice whatever faith they will.  I personally don't care what goes on in the circles of Scientology any more than I do at the Satanic National Convention.  My only problem with this apparent circle jerk of clown shoe wisdom is their inability to behave sociably when asked a direct question.  This lady isn't the first Scientologist I've had this kind of horrifically negative social interaction with.  In fact, the ONLY person who practices this faith I've ever had an even remotely intelligent discussion with on the subject was a young lady I was practicing advanced immodest body positioning with and even then she was only telling me to try to convert me.  I'd just love to understand the secrecy.  Why will you only talk about this with others who've had the store brand Kool Aid?  Hmmm....

Well, I guess I better get ready for the panel van full of guys with blue shirts to show up and tell me to cease and desist before things get ugly and they rape my dog or some such nonsense.  Good luck with that by the way... Jake can be a little squirmy.

Oh yeah, and while we're being all mature here:  nah screw it.  This numbnut isn't even worth the effort required for a creative insult.  Just shut up and go away.

Okay, Okay, We Get It Already!!

I'm going to preface today's remarks with a warning ladies and gentlemen:  if you are prone to be easily offended regarding religious matters, if someone poking a bit of derisive fun at the utter holiness of your faith upsets you, or if you have a tendency to get all butt hurt when someone points out a little random hypocrisy that you may be actively taking part in YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ THIS POST.  

It may cause cramping, possibly hemorrhagic staining, and quite likely some spotting.

I don't know what has happened to Facebook lately, maybe it's the folks that comprise my friends list, but when the hell did Facebook become so overly addled with Christian memes that  the only way I can actually read what someone has to say about anything I find important is to filter through 750,000 pictures of pretty pastoral scenes with scrawling inscriptions in near illegibly flowery script praising the joyous creation of our Christian lord.

Oh our dear sweet and fluffy lords (yes plural for those pagans out there, don't worry, I got you) people! Did we someone misstep and allow the Southern Baptist Convention to take over Facebook and someone forgot to post the newsletter?!

Look, those of you who have read my blog regularly know I'm a fervent supporter of everyone's right to practice whichever religion you wish and respect all of them (with the exception of Scientology because I just can't figure it out) equally.  I just don't understand the rampant and unrelenting and completely uncalled-for proselytizing that goes on in social media.  I'm cool with your love of Jesus but do you not realize that someone out there that doesn't share your faith could think your gardener has gone missing and you're sad 'cause homey did some excellent work?

You know, in the name of equality and instead of getting ill about it, how about I proceed this way instead.  Effective immediately, I want to encourage everyone to broadcast your faith over social media as if your involuntary bodily functions were suddenly taken over by the spirit of Jerry Falwell.  It's about time the Buddhists, Wiccans, Pagans, Asatrurs, and hell even the Methodists start meme-ing like madman as well.

So in that light, Happy Tyr's Day and Blessed Be, Y'all!

(And yes, I so posted that on Facebook...)

Enjoy your afternoon boys and girls, and for Buddha's sake stop hitting your sister with your prayer beads or I swear I'm calling one of L. Ron's minions over here to audit your little ass. Now someone thank the baby Jesus and Mohammad for the grub so we can eat already!!

Yeah But I'm Right Dammit!

Happy Monday kids.

Believe it or not this post is completely suitable for work. I did it. Who knew.

Today's post is going to be short and sweet.  I want to share a few thoughts with you all on opinions.  Now before anyone automatically gets their undergarments in a wad, let's start this whole topic off the right way by acknowledging that every single one of us in this country, under what's left of our Constitution, is guaranteed the right to free speech so long as it does not endanger others and intrinsic within that right is your right to an opinion on any and every thing out there.  Yours is just as valid as mine is.

See, that wasn't so bad, was it?  Let's continue.

What I'm more concerned with today is the way in which opinions seem to be brandished about with the intellectual and social effectiveness of a 22 year old 10th grade bully. It seems to be more and more in fashion as of late to use your personal opinion to abuse, deride, lambaste, and just generally trod upon others.  

But Brian, you say with aplomb, there are literally scores of people you've used your blog to rip new orifi into over the past year and change.  Aren't you doing exactly what you're saying you're sick of?  Well, yes and no.  While I do on occasion use my blog as a literary pear of anguish (google the term if you're not familiar - I'm trying to stay in the suitable for work category today) on occasion to those I deem particularly worthy, I do so with two caveats in place.  First, I have no problem whatsoever defending any words I type and publish in person and face to face. No Facebook / blog / anonymous keyboard badassery here folks.  Second, and most importantly, I am willing to admit when I'm wrong and have on at least two occasions published retractions / changes to my opinions on issues or people.

You see, in a lot of ways I'm encouraged by the fact that, basically beginning with last year's Presidential debates, the people of this great land are actually getting engaged in their society again and developing real opinions instead of asking their spouse where all the remote batteries went and what that buzzing noise is that's coming from the bedroom while they power eat Twinkies in front of the Playstation.  The problem comes in that while these opinions are developed there is seemingly little thought to their formative process.  In effect, our great citizenry is running around brandishing the intellectual equivalent of a knee jerk reaction to a headline on the Bloomberg ticker or some offhanded sound byte and using it as a cudgel to wreak havoc on  those who take the slightest issue or espouse a differing view.

Look, I'm all about Civil Discourse as a concept. As I've said before I still find it amazing that a group of 300 lb iron junkies can stand around a gym floor and calmly discuss politics, gun control, religions, or whatever happens to come up while four people in street clothes can't decide what restaurant to go to without fisticuffs ensuing.  Maybe it's just that large folk don't want to waste the energy on trying to preach to someone else, or maybe it's that in some groups it's just accepted there will be differences in opinion and in the overall that's just okay.  

What irritates me is when someone is unwilling to first educate themselves on a topic before developing a near-sacred opinion and opening their mouth and then secondly refuses to let anyone else feel differently because "they're just wrong."  But then again the Christian church has used that very logic throughout history as proof of cause for exactly how many wars?

Kids, opinions are great things and we are all chock full of them.  Express yours as often as you can please, but just take a second / minute / couple of days / whatever is necessary to make sure yours isn't making you look like the uneducated and easily manipulated jackass you swear up and down that you aren't.  Just sayin', as always.

The Netflix Algorithm Shames Me So

I hope everyone has had a safe and eventful (in a good way) New Year's experience.  It's now 2013 and as of 12:30 p.m. on this rainy, cool, and somewhat miserable outside day I have already been annoyed to the nth degree.  Ain't life grand?

I'd like to pose my response to this latest annoyance in the form of an open letter to the offender.  Feel free to play along if you're one of the six people that bought the home game.  The rest of you can just read and enjoy!

Dear Netflix,

Hello. I am a long term subscriber to your service. I'm having a bit of difficulty and instead of calling a customer service number and trying to explain myself to Habib/Bob from the company you outsourced that darling little task to on the other side of the rock, I thought I'd just air my angst in writing and get it all out in the open.  

Your technology contains an algorithm that suggests additional titles for a user based upon their individual viewing history.  After extensive use and experience with your service, I'd like to make a very simple suggestion that you take a few moments and reprogram whatever version of HAL crossbred with GLADOS from Portal that you have running things over there to stop making suggestions based upon ONE FRAKKIN' VIEWING and at the very least PAY SOME GODDAMN ATTENTION TO WHAT PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY WATCHING!

Obviously, no intelligent argument for change can be made without pertinent examples.  Allow me to provide the following as cases in point:

1)  I am a large, heterosexual man.  Just because I choose to watch Kevin Smith's Chasing Amy does not mean that I suddenly need a suggestion bar full of Gay and Lesbian themed movies.  Just because I watch a movie where Ben Affleck erroneously kisses Jason Lee does not mean that I wish to fill my days watching title after title of Macaulay Culkin's attempts at a lifestyle statement of a career after he finished puberty / playing at MJ's house.  Thanks, but it's just not my thing.

2)  Similarly, I am also not a lesbian even though I auditioned for the role on several occasions.  Maybe it was the beard or the lack of flannel clothing, I'm not sure, but I never made it into the club.  While I have to admit that The L Word was a pretty good show at the outset, I don't really have an interest in some Scottish show about an angsty lesbian photographer that somehow crept into my TV suggestions.  Hey look, I'm all up for a bit of ye olde clam wrestling in my filmed entertainment like everyone else but should one movie choice really make you think I need outed in such fine style?

3)  If I choose to watch one WWE special event after a few beers, I do not need to instantly know about all 542 documentaries on The Rock's pernicious hairstyle choices over the years.  Dude can do the eyebrow thing.  I get it.  So can Leonard Nimoy.  Move along, don't flood my screen with it.

4)  I like the Transformers movies and anything Marvel can churn out.  I'm a big kid, I get it.  However, just because I enjoy some Michael Bay robot smack down and some good ol' fashioned Hulk-Smash-Everything-Because-He's-Awesome DOES NOT MEAN I NEED A SUGGESTION LINE FULL OF WHATEVER CLAPTRAP NICKELODEON IS SPEWING OUT THIS WEEK!  For God's holy sake people!  Are you serious? Other than being second in line behind Obama for nominations in the Anti-Christ runoff, SpongeBob Squarepants need not exist in my universe.  Just, damn!

5)  Along similar lines, please stop trying to foist some Chinese/Korean knockoff versions of currently/recently released titles thinking I'll be simpleminded enough to not know the difference.  Transformers? Awesome.  Transmorphers? As my five year old niece says:  REAAAALY?

6)  Also in the same vein, you have a kid-specific version of Netflix available.  Why is it that if I watch a couple of DC animated movies that, by the way, are violent as hell, I get inundated with suggestions for Powder Puff Girls and for shit's sake The Power Rangers Movie?

7)  I am not a high functioning retarded kid, regardless of what my wife may tell you on occasion.  I watched one stupid MTV reality episode three years ago and the digitized version of a chronically masturbating Reese's monkey that runs this program is still convinced that I give such a flaming damn about Snooki and company that it keeps popping up on my goddamn suggestions!  

8)  I am not a huge fan of anime.  I watched one or two years ago and haven't gone back since. Why in the world would I care to have a cue line full of doe eyed kids in sailor outfits fighting with samurai swords then suddenly raving about world peace while gang raping the newest Pokemon of the week?  I mean come the hell on.

9)  And lastly, please do not hand me the line about rating more titles will help make the suggestion process better and better for me.  I checked.  I have rated over 2,000 titles along the way.  I think all it's done is confuse that damned aforementioned monkey.

In short Netflix, please do something about your suggestion system.  As it stands now something in your computer system seems to believe I am a gay man who is considering lesbianism (and most likely a pre-op if logic follows) and has a fixation on wrestling documentaries, korean knock off movies, twisted ass anime, and reality television.  This is the kind of thing that can lead to surveillance teams outside your house.  Believe me, I watch enough Homeland to know what can happen.  But wait, how would you know I watch Homeland...  like most of the really good stuff on cable TV, IT'S NOT ON YOUR FRIGGIN' SERVICE YET!!!

Yours,

A Flabbergasted Customer

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year from The Cynical Sarcastic!

Have a great night tonight, celebrate as hard as you can, do something incredibly stupid, enable your idiot friends, and generate some great stories for the new year!

Thanks again to everyone for their continued support of The Cynical Sarcastic

 and here's looking forward to a great 2013 and at least one new book!

Have a great one!

-Brian

Friday Mail Call, A Day Late as Usual

Now that I can officially say I'm back in the swing of things, I had a couple of emails to the CS over the past few weeks that I wanted to reply to through the blog.  Yes I know it's Saturday and I'm a day late off of the usual schedule but hey, Diners Drive-Ins and Dives was on!

 

First and foremost, I want to say thanks today to all of you that have written emails expressing condolences for my family's recent loss.  I've tried not to make too big of a deal about it online as it is a private, family matter but your messages have meant a lot and are greatly appreciated.  One of the great things about the Internet and how connected we all have become is that you can take a second or two to extend a little humanity, in some cases even to people you've never met, and sometimes those small gestures mean a lot whether you know it or not. So on behalf of me and my family, thanks again.

 

Now on to the email.  This one is from a gentleman named Randy who wanted to know about the process for inspiration for writing. He's just dipping his toe in the water, so to speak, and was interested to know where other writers get their inspirations for story ideas.  Well Randy, believe it or not you timed this email just right because I am currently in the midst of that process myself.  I'm hip deep in the writing process for Hurricane Carolina and over the last few days I've found myself a bit mired down with a general feeling of blah in regards to the story. (Yes, I used the word blah. Nothing more descriptive seemed to come to mind. Let's move on.) At their simplest, at least in my opinion, novels are created by having strong, interesting characters put into captivating situations.  In the interest of brevity, let's just say a number of my situations blew chunks and I was and still am in desperate need of new "material."

 

Part of the issue I'm having with this book is that I created the original idea in 2009 and it has been on slow percolate since. I've literally lived with this book rattling in my noggin for so long now that it's gone a bit stale.  So, mining for ideas, I've gone back to the old picture file, college notebooks, old stories, old friends, television, music, and pretty much anything else that can get ye olde noodle rolling again short of heavy quantities of Jack Daniels.  And there, Randy, is your answer.  Anything and everything can inspire you, but if you're running critically low on ideas and have exhausted everything else, get very very drunk and see what burbles to the top by the time you sober up.  Hey, it worked for Hemingway after all...

 

More to come soon.  Have a great weekend everyone!

Weighing In on the Gun Issue (Finally)

(We probably need the NSFW alert flag raised, just in case.)

What's that they say about a thing of beauty?

Okay folks, I'm not going to make this a long or drawn out thing by any means.  I intentionally put off making any sort of statement about the Connecticut tragedy and the ensuing chapter of the gun debate to (1) most importantly focus on more pressing family concerns and (2) to hear what the NRA had to say in response.

 

Here is my opinion on the whole thing.  Remember this is only my opinion.  The great thing about this country is that you're allowed to have a different one and even disagree with mine. To paraphrase Full Metal Jacket, there are many like it but this one is mine, and it is simply this:

 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

 

This is very simple folks.  NEVER, NOT NEVER EVER NEVER EVER EVER ONCE IN THE HISTORY OF THIS MARBLE WE ALL SCRAMBLE AROUND ON HAS A GUN KILLED ANYONE.  It's the asshole behind the trigger.  You cannot regulate people's actions with gun laws.  All stringent gun control does is give criminals access to superior firepower.  Sorry, it sucks and I wish it weren't that way but it's true.  Case in point: Connecticut has a ban on assault weapons and that batshit taco used one anyway.

 

I have a very simple issue.  When the people with the access to all the guns they want start telling me that I not only don't need them but can't have them, my O-ring gets really, really tight.  But hey, it worked great in Nazi Germany, so why not here as well?  They were such fucking geniuses at everything else, right?

 

Do I own an assault weapon? No. Do I know how to use one? Bet your red, white, and blue ass on it. Why is it important we keep the rights to own one?  It's very simple in my opinion. It's called the Slippery Slope doctrine and the Supreme Court references it all the fucking time.  When you start to infringe on a civil right just a little, the next step becomes easier and easier until that right no longer exists.  True the second amendment has outlived its original purpose, but its modern interpretation is still pretty frequently relevant. 

 

And while we're on the subject of gun laws, here's just a side note on North Carolina's Castle Doctrine as well.  Dramatically oversimplified, it states that you enter my home with criminal intent at your own mortal peril.  Folks, every self-respecting country boy has operated under this philosophy for over a century.  It's about damn time at least one gun law made some form of sense.

 

We live in a dangerous world. Bad exists. We need the ability and right to defend ourselves. If you CHOOSE not to exercise that right that is your decision, but don't take away my right to make that choice.  The same goes for my family and children.  You can be as up with people and there's no such thing as true evil as you want to be but don't you dare tell me that it's "wrong" and "sends the wrong message" to have an armed officer at my child's school.  The message it sends is FUCK WITH THESE CHILDREN AT YOUR MORTAL PERIL SCUMBAG.  Please explain to me how it is wrong for a child to know they're safe at school.  Our heroes in uniform have been doing it for your sorry ass as long as you've been alive, after all.  You just don't see it because they're out defending the borders and fighting the battles so you don't have to. What's wrong is when an overly sensationalized national media uses pictures of dead children to push an agenda that is only really important to them because it helps ratings. 

 

Once again kids we're right back to the sheep trying to defang the sheepdogs. 

 

What is it going to take to open some of these people's eyes?  How many victims that could have been saved will have to be piled on the ground in (child sized) body bags for some of these people to understand that gun rights are a necessary part of our world now.  We can't go backward to some simpler time. I'd love to but we just can't. 

 

Do I necessarily want to live in a country where we all run around with a Glock strapped to our waist like some form of postmodern Dodge City? Not really, but if it cuts down on all the buttheads who think they can rape, rob, kill, and slaughter with impunity and without expectation of immediate response, well to put it bluntly... I'll take the black leather gun belt in size 40, thank you very much.

 

Holiday Observations

I hope everyone has had a great Christmas / Yule celebration.  I wanted to get back online today for the first time in a while and send out a few thoughts on this holiday season.  These are a bit varied in nature and in no particular order as this particular end of December has been a fairly tough one for me and my family.  These are just some random things I have seen or thought of during the last few weeks that I felt bore sharing with you all.

 

1)  In the pagan tradition, particularly in the Norse, Yuletide was a time to set aside any and all animosities between yourself and those who antagonize you.  It was not uncommon to invite a hated enemy to your home under a badge of truce, namely mistletoe.  So in that spirit I made the decision this year to squash a number of old, inflamed, or just generally irritating grudges, squabbles, and or downright vengeful feelings I was carrying around.  To that extent, I thought I'd share a traditional Yuletide blessing with you all:

 

Beneath the tree of light and life,

A blessing at this season of Yule.

To all that sit at my hearth,

Today we are brothers, we are family,

And I drink to your health!

Today I offer hospitality and comfort

To all that cross my threshold,

In the name of this glorious season.

 

There are some additional lines regarding burying their axes in the blessed ground, etc etc, but I think at this point we all get the meaning.  Lyric it ain't, but it makes the point well enough. This is the time of year to set aside the nonsense and try to start fresh.

 

2)  As some of you know my family has recently undergone a major loss with the death of my dad's father at 86 last Wednesday. Among the myriad of things I've learned, seen, and experienced this past week, there are two I want to share with you all.  The first is on truly living marriage vows.  My grandparents were married for 68 years and, part and parcel, were maybe apart for no more than 10 days during that time.  Through good and bad, richer and poorer, hardship or celebration, they never left each other's side.  My grandmother sat in a wheel chair holding my grandfather's hand as he took his last breath on this earth, no matter how hard it was for her.  The next day a friend of mine told me he was filing for divorce because he was tired of his wife's bullshit. I've never wanted to punch someone so badly in my life.

 

The second thing I saw during this time I wanted to share was a true demonstration of faith. My grandparents were/are devout Christians.  When the code was called in the hospital and we knew my grandfather was facing death the pastor asked my grandmother how she wanted him to pray: should he pray for recovery or peace or otherwise?  I will never forget her response: she said that she would not have him pray selfishly but to ask for God's will to be done and for strength for her and her family. It struck me because true faith doesn't seem to exist very much in this world any more and to see someone so strong and secure in their belief in God, even at the very worst of times, was more than moving.  Whether you share the same beliefs or not, you have to admit the power behind it.

 

3) Never in the history of the world has the word family had so many and varied definitions.  Whether yours drives you insane or not, have you really taken a good look lately at who and what it is comprised of? Some people tend to focus on their family in terms of history, not in terms of reality. Are you still so consumed with some nonsense that happened in 1988 that you can't see the human being in front of you? Just food for thought.

 

4)  There is a simple truth about children and noise.  Each child added to the mix really does increase the level of noise by an exponent, not a simple multiplied factor.  Six children under the age of 12 in a confined space may possibly be a cause for deafness, bleeding from the nose, ears, and eyes, and quite possibly male pattern baldness.

 

5)  Our pets can give two shits about Christmas or any other holiday.  It's just one more day of kibble and walks outside that for some reason or another happened to include a new collar and chew toy. They're happy you're there. Period. When is the last time we treated our family that way? 

 

Again, these aren't meant to be profound or to get all Jack Handy on anyone.  These are just simple things that have occurred to me over the last few weeks in regards to the holiday season.

Clucking and Screeching

For those of you out there that are unmarried, pay very close attention.  I'm about to teach you a very valuable lesson.  This... is... how you get yourself in trouble with your wife. (I was going for the Ryan Seacrest American Idol commercial rip there but suddenly found it nearly impossible to convey timing and inflection with punctuation.  Just go with it dammit.)

 

I came to a stark and ultimately hilarious realization this past Sunday.  I was sitting at lunch with my family while my wife and my mother were talking away on some subject that had absolutely nothing to do with me.  I realized that when I de-tuned my ears to the actual words being used that the old joke about the "hens clucking" really is true.  In counterpoint, when a topic came up that was upsetting, the clucking devolved to screeching.  The realization struck me as so funny and I had to fight so hard to not laugh at it that I involuntarily clucked out loud while driving home from the restaurant.  I suddenly found myself having to explain to my wife that no, I wasn't having a stroke. 

 

I'm just an idiot.

 

Don't misunderstand me here; men are exactly the same except we do it with grunts and points.  Tim Allen was not wrong in one iota.

 

As far as the clucking and screeching, well, I'm not even going to take credit for the idea as I'm sure my addled brain ripped it off from somewhere or another. 

 

I'll use that as a point to ponder while I couch surf for the next few nights after my wife reads this... 

It's Been Awhile... (aka Why I Deleted a Book)

I swear one of these days I'm going to end up having to write Aaron Lewis from Staind a check for the sheer number of appropriate uses I've found for the lyric over the last few years.

 

It's been a few weeks since I've posted on either blog.  I'd love to be able to write some overwrought apology for being away or some other equally atrocious pile of Lucas-circa-Episode-One-JarJar-oopsy-poodoo but the truth is a lot more heinous, unfortunately.  I've taken a few weeks away as a time to re-evaluate the work a bit.  After the tryptophan coma from Thanksgiving and the residual birthday cake narcolepsy I was able to slowly digest the newest event in my writing career and attempt to shake it off like an epileptic chihuahua.

 

What's happened you ask?  Nothing earth shattering I assure you but it was enough to create a little pause in the cause.  If you'll remember back several months ago I decided to write a sequel novella to By Design that focused on resolving the plot line for David and his girlfriend Stephanie.  Well, I've been diligently scribbling away and had about three-quarters of the story written, roughly sixty-five pages.  I have a friend in the industry who reads for me on occasion so I fowarded my rough to her for notes. 

 

Her reply was so far past brutal that it passed bamboo-under-the-fingernails several exits back.  Without posting her exact, apparently appropriately profanity laced response, let's just suffice it to say that she stated that if she hadn't read and enjoyed a lot of my other work she would beg me to stop writing and run way to a quiet corner to explore the existential vicissitudes of self-fornication.  Or mime school, whichever.

 

Harsh?  Yep.  Stinging?  Uh-huh. Needed? Definitely. 

 

Without belaboring the point, I've made the decision that, at least for now, I've said all I needed to say about the characters of By Design and am cancelling Puddin' for the foreseeable future.  Hey, sometimes you swing and miss, right?  I think what threw me a bit was that I've now whiffed twice consecutively, once with the Halloween story and now this. 

But, as we've all seen in every bad boxing movie ever made, sometimes you just have to keep standing back up.  Consider this my ass-off-of-canvas post!

And I'm back to work....

 

Happy Thanksgiving All

That'll do piggy, that'll do...

And so it begins...

With the delivery of the all important Port-O-Potty, Best Buy completes its holiday preparations.  Wednesday at lunch and already six tents set up.  I'm just not that serious of a shopper I guess.

Black Friday Again, Or Is It Black Thursday???

I hope everyone had a great weekend.  As we all get ready for the Thanksgiving holiday this week, I thought it necessary to address / re-address an issue that we discussed last year this time that has now apparently gotten even worse.  That issue of course is the annual retail extravaganza that has become Black Friday.

 

Kids, I'm not going to even try to sugar coat this one.  Black Friday has become a staggering load of wankalicious bullshit and somebody has got to do something about it!

 

Now before you immediately write me off as someone who's getting all butthurt because his wife works for the almighty Wally World and is directly affected by their Thanksgiving policies this year, let's take a step back.  Folks, I am all for business and the ability to make the all mighty dollar.  My entire professional career has been in retail management and executive management.  Believe me, I get it.  But since when did the pursuit of Ben Franklin and company take total precedence over the ability of your employees to enjoy their families? 

 

For those of you unfamiliar with the whole brew-ha-ha, this year Wal-Mart and Target are both opening on Thanksgiving Day instead of the usual Black Friday sales to kick off the holiday buying season.  Target I believe is opening at 9pm, while Wal-Mart is opening at 8 but requiring their employees to be in as early as 2pm!!  Now believe me I understand that not everyone keeps the Thanksgiving holiday in their family.  We live in an incredibly diverse society so it's completely counter-intuitive to expect everyone to find import in every single calendar-mandated social activity, but for chrissakes people whatever happened to a good ol' fashioned day off just because everyone else gets one?  Let's get real for a second here people.  I'm all about the Christmas season and all it represents since I was raised as a good little Southern Baptist.  However, I'm also all about the right of those who don't keep that holiday for whatever reason to get Chinese food and chillax with their family, pet, or favorite inflatable companion. 

 

The next thing out of most people's mouth when it comes to this discussion is usually either "well they're going to be open anyway" and "that's when the best deals will be on sale."  Kids, I don't know if you realize it or listen to the news all that much but as I type this there are large scale walkouts and protests scheduled in over 1500 Wal-Marts across the nation by employees' groups and unions and in over 1000 Target stores by family groups.  Now, and again remember that I do have unfortunately first hand experience with this because of my wife's job, Wal-Mart is notorious for using bullying tactics on employees who try to take part in their family life such as cut hours and even termination.  Look, I've been in retail for over 20 years now (oh dear God) and I get that crazy hours and schedules come with the gig but come the fuck on people!  I have no problem with the two or three city mad dash we usually have to make on Thanksgiving Day to get to see our families, or even having Thanksgiving early or late to accommodate ye olde job, but to flat out force your workers to give up their private time for increased incremental sales opportunities is just asinine!

 

The sad thing is that there is abso-friggin-lutely nothing that any amount of protests and walkouts and even large scale quitting will do to discourage these companies behavior.  There is only one thing that will get anything done about it and force them to realize this might just be a really shitty idea:  DON'T SHOP THERE ON THANKSGIVING DAY!  I know this concept is going to get a lot of you all up in arms because you're going to miss the $150 32" Emerson piece of shit LCD television that Wally World is selling at 8pm Thanksgiving night, but come on people.  I swear to you Old Navy is giving away free Nintendo Wii U Mario games when they open at midnight.  It will be okay! Don't you think it might just be worth it to express your support for the families of those that have to work throughout what should be a family holiday by waiting a few extra hours to spend your hard charged money?  It's a simple concept people: if we don't spend money at a business on Thanksgiving, they may not be willing to open for the day next year.

But then again, that's also the same reason I get gas the day before major holidays.  I don't think those poor folks should have to work on a holiday either. 

As always, this is all just my humble opinion.  I sincerely wish that more of you shared it.  Look back in your memories and in your heart of hearts.  I'm not wrong.

Happy Anniversary: One Year of The Cynical Sarcastic

Happy Friday and Happy Anniversary Kids!!  It was one year ago that yours truly decided to open the front door on The Cynical Sarcastic, thus beginning the deluge of ranting and raving you've all come to know, love, revile, ridicule, heckle, deify, and what not. 

I started this blog a year ago simply with the idea that I would toss maybe an article a week out and see if there was any feedback and potentially a market for my writing.  Well, now a full year and 41,131 page views later, apparently something good is going on somewhere. Here's some quick stats for you. As of November 1, 2012, the average post is viewed 432 times within a seven day period from date of publication and some have even reached the 1300 mark!  I know we're receiving new readers all the time as our RSS feed numbers continue to grow and traffic on older posts continues to increase monthly.  Guest bloggers have a great return for their efforts as well: the average guest blog is viewed roughly 1000 times in its first two weeks.  Not a bad start at all!

 To all of you that have been guest bloggers, grammar police, frequent commenters, and even the handful of you that have chosen to share your truly unique points of view with me via email, I'd like to take a second to convey my appreciation. Your participation has lead to 125 posts, two books published successfully, and three more in various stages of development: absolutely none of which would have been accomplished without your support.

I'd like to take a second to specifically thank my guest bloggers who have contributed in the past year and are going to do so in the near future.  All of you have made awesome contributions to the blog, whether through humor, moving personal experiences, or just taking the time to share your true feelings on a subject you care about.  Your efforts have not only made this project feel like more of a community but they have also truly inspired me to push that much harder to see it thrive and continue.

Several of you have asked what happened to the planned collection of posts that was going to be put together in time for the holidays this year.  Well, it was initially conceived of as a charitable project.  After closely examining the production costs versus expected sales and what could realistically be expected to donated at the end of the year, I made the decision to postpone it at minimum another six months to possibly the 2013 holiday season.  In the end, a book with 200 articles will simply produce more revenue than one with 80, and as this is a charitable endeavor I'm going to hold off just a bit longer to garner more pieces to use and do as much good as possible.

Well, I'm looking forward to 2013 being a great year, both on The Cynical Sarcastic and on our new sister blog, The Big Fella's Guide.  There are a lot of great things coming up on the horizon: new guest blogs, book launches, continued weekly email responses, and most likely a whole lot more of me running off at the mouth about whatever random topic tweaks me that worst that morning.

Thanks again for continuing to tune in and here's looking forward to the future!
- Brian Pittman


Dealing with Crap Pt 2: Towel Throwing

Happy Day After Veteran's Day to everyone.  I sincerely hope all of you bank employees enjoy your day off.  You seem to be the only ones still unilaterally observing Federal Holidays.

 

A week or so ago I published a response to an email question about what to do with material that you, as the author, just can't stand or think is horrible.  Well, due to a nagging back injury and a lot of quality time over the weekend with a heating pad, I've had some time to consider it and I feel like I may have left out something that I personally found applicable over the weekend.

 

To begin, let me paraphrase my earlier response.  I advised the person that wrote in to keep everything, no matter how crappy they may believe it to be.  I have a very bad habit of wanting to discard stuff I create that I don't care for at that moment for some odd reason.  I've learned to write it and file it and move on if necessary.  Dropbox is my friend dear reader, as in my less than humble opinion it should be for all writers.  Just make sure you don't post anything in the public folders!

 

Moving on, I feel like I erred in omitting one major component of this issue.  Once you've got a little experience under your belt as a writer, a little seasoning if you will, you will (hopefully) begin to develop an audience. You will probably publish at some point.  You may even develop a few fans (still the hardest part of this entire enterprise for me).  Then one day you're going to write something that has an awesome premise.  Your story plan seems dead on the money, your characters seem interesting and real enough to carry the story, and the best part of it is that in your head it's clever and sheer genius. 

 

And then you write it.

 

And you've seen more interesting piles of dog vomit.

 

On your shoes.

 

My Halloween short story "Tell Me Everything" has become one of those piles o'puke.  I really liked the idea, everything seemed to work and it was ready to publish.  Blogger had a minor technical issue for a few days and I couldn't get the file to post correctly, so I took that time to read and reread to check for issues, errors, and the like.  About halfway through the first read something started to nag at me.  By the time I'd finished the second read I realized what it was.

 

THE STORY FLAT OUT SUCKED. 

 

Now make sure you don't misunderstand me here.  I'm no Hemingway by any means and I'm fully comfortable with that.  However, I do feel like I have a degree of standards when it comes to what I put out there for my audience.  There's no faster way to lose readers and fans than to follow up something they enjoyed with gar-bage. 

 

In the end, meaning last Sunday, I finally made the decision that no amount of rework was going to fix this beast.  It was time to pull the plug, throw in the towel and drop it in the file for later. Maybe it will show up someday.  Maybe it just wasn't the right genre for me or the right time or something.  Maybe it was just in exercise in completing a project even after you lose faith in it.  Maybe, just maybe, it was a lesson learned to stick with what I do best.

 

All in all though, I'm not publishing the story and I'm satisfied it's for the right reason.

 

Well, back to the mines kiddies. More to come later this week.

Perspective, And Being Mindful Thereof

As our political season in this country draws to a close and we can all celebrate the end of the endless chicanery of campaign commercials, I feel like I need to step to the side for just a minute and fuss a bit.

 

Kids, some of us have seriously got to grow the hell up already.

 

I mentioned my recent culling of my Facebook friends list last week and I swear I'm just about ready for round two.  Folks, I tend to wear my opinion on my sleeve and tell others to deal with it but I have never, ever seen the kind of juvenile, nonsensical claptrap spewing from otherwise rational human beings as I have since this election entered the metaphorical short rows.  I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone finds it necessary to ridicule or slander someone else over a political difference of opinion.  I actually saw a post this morning in which someone I used to have a lot of respect for accused a Romney supporter of being a racist and anti-woman just because they chose to vote Republican straight ticket.  Really people?  Has it gotten that simple minded out there?  Or is it really true that all Democrats support government oversight of the smallest detail of my life and hate white guys?  Silly, ain't it?

 

Instead of verbally lambasting these narrow minded mental midgets until their charred remains look like something out of a Walking Dead episode, I would instead like to remind everyone of a little notion called perspective.  Perspective can be a bit tricky to keep in line sometimes, but let's try nonetheless.  Everyone sees the world their own way, attempting to comprehend existence through a filter of their opinions and life experience. No two people will experience an event the same way, even though sometimes their perspectives line up enough that they feel they agree on the topic.  However, perspective can also refer to keeping things in their proper place or degree of importance compared to others.  I think what has occurred lately in the minds of a large number of people is a complete loss of perspective when it comes to this election.  It seems that folks are forgetting that there is still a life to live after 11/6/2012 and regardless of who wins and who loses you still have to deal with the carnage you and your overactive mouth may have wrought.

 

Now, I will be the first to admit that losing perspective and going balls out on a topic is far too easy to do.  Take the gym as an example.  I work out with and around a lot of large folk.  It's far too easy sometimes to either overdo it to keep up or feel like I'm behind just because I'm not tossing 405 in the air on a bench press like it's made of nerf.  The only way I keep perspective there is to remember that I took about 7 years off from doing anything serious in a gym and that I'm still lifting twice what the "average guy" in our country can.  In other words, sometimes I have to take a step back and look at the real world as a whole and not that little subset. 

 

Sounds like some almost usable advice, doesn't it?  (After a year of writing this blog, I guess it had to happen eventually, huh?)

 

Folks, my point is simply this: I'm thrilled that this election seems to be inspiring some many people to be passionate about politics but for the love of whatever you deem holy try keep it in at least a bit of proper perspective.  Morons will be morons, that's a given, but can we try to not take the bait and jump all over each other in an unbridled effort to join their ranks?

 

Just a reminder: if you haven't voted yet, make sure you do tomorrow.  Remember, you can't bitch if you don't participate!!

 

 

Guest Blog by Eric Jones: Being A Father

POST TEMPORARILY REMOVED AT AUTHOR'S REQUEST

APPARENTLY THE BROTHER HAD MORE TO SAY

SHOULD BE REPOSTED BY TUESDAY AT THE LATEST

Halloween Apologies

Okay, just a quick note in response to those of you kind enough to have been anticipating the Halloween short story I teased about a week back:

 

Unfortunately, Blogger is having some difficulty with larger uploads for the last several days.  I contacted tech support and it seems that only a small number of accounts were affected so OF COURSE mine is going to be one of them. Thank you Uncle Murphy.

 

So, while I await the dissipation of the wrath of the tech gods, I'll just apologize and say that I'll have it posted for you all as soon as possible.  Yes, I could just retype the whole thing but honestly, 40 pages is a LONG NIGHT'S WORK boys and girls!!

 

More to come...